Another A-Z Entry, this time it’s ‘O’.

My brother sent me a link to an interview that Bono gave to the Sunday Times which sparked off another entry for my A-Z of Life's Little Irritations. So, here is:

O is for Overly Political Celebrities

There was a day when celebrities who were in at the time and fairly intelligent wrote a book or became a patron of a charity. They appeared from time to time at charity balls and it was all very nice and very civilized. How things have changed. Now if you are famous and want to be up there with the A-Listers they way to get in is to rabidly jump on the ‘Help Africa’ bandwagon, which is being towed from the front by Bob Geldof (sorry, SIR Bob Geldof). Now don’t get me wrong, Sir Bob has done plenty of good work for Africa but you have to ask yourself if Africa hasn’t done a lot of good work for Sir Bob. After all, he has only had one single that anyone has heard of and, not to put too fine a point on it, it was shit. Where are the Boomtown Rats now? Quite probably touring local fleapits on a Thursday night after the pub quiz has finished and wishing they’d thought of organizing a big charity concert in the 1980s.

 

Then you have the likes of Chris Martin from Coldplay. Coldplay are a band that have made an awful lot of money from creating songs that all sound the same and all make you want to jump in front of a bus just to escape the tedium. This evidently (in his head anyway) makes him qualified to solve the problem of world poverty single handed. And the best way to do this? Write ‘Make Poverty History’ on your hand in biro before a concert so everyone can see it while you play the piano. Absolutely Chris, that should sort the problem and no mistake. Hundreds of years of shoddy infrastructure, drought, famine, civil war, corruption and feudal fighting can all be overturned by someone who looks like a badly dressed mature student writing on the back of their hand. Now Mr Martin (who is probably hoping to eventually become SIR Chris Martin) has shown that he thinks poverty is nasty and not very sporting, everyone currently living in a Malawian hellhole is going to wake up to find they are a Funds Manager living in a 3 bed semi in Surrey and they drive a Lexus. Pillock.

 

The Award for Most Obnoxious and Overly Political Celebrity however has to be handed to Bono of U2 fame. This is a man who in a Sunday Times interview claimed that President Gorbachev only realised that things couldn’t continue in Russia as they were when he dropped by for Sunday lunch and while they were eating, in walks a small girl on crutches with no lower legs thanks to the radiation from Chernobyl. His realization had nothing to do with the fact that Russia had no economy, there was no food in the shops and their only international exports were vodka that makes you go blind and prostitutes then? If Gorbachev hadn’t twigged that things weren’t really going all that well in Russia before this point then he was obviously a lot more pissed than anyone gave him credit for and really shouldn’t have been left in charge of one of the world’s largest land masses. Bono could have done an awful lot for the financial wellbeing and public services of Ireland by not moving U2’s publishing empire to the Netherlands in order to pay a near zero rate of tax but that would have affected his personal fortune. Evidently in Bono’s house charity begins at home as long as it isn’t funded by tax.

 

All of which brings us to the biggest problem with Overly Political Celebrities, the fact that they do moronic things like writing on their hands but despite the fact that half of them earn more than the GDP of Guatemala they spend their time demanding we donate a sizable portion of our £20K a year while not actually dipping into their own funds. Tell you what Bono, if I give a grand, a twentieth of my yearly income how about you give a twentieth of yours. No? Ah well then, just thought I’d ask. What’s that? Oh, you won’t donate all that cash but you will invite George Bush round for a fondue and Babycham evening complete with photo opportunity. Right, that should help a Nigerian farmer whose entire yearly crop has just been eaten by locusts. The cause is being pushed by people who have spent enough on crack and champagne (or in Chris Martin’s household, designer organic tofu-mung protein pellets) in a lifetime to send half of Ghana to Harvard. When Chris Martin, Bono and their ilk donate their entire personal fortune to dragging the poor out of deprivation and start buying their clothes from Asda instead of Armani then I’ll listen. Until then I’ll wait with bated breath for the media coverage of Bono’s next wine and cheese party for the rich, famous, influential and irritating. 

 

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3 Responses

  1. Coldplay and their ilk is a whole 'nother post for me. Whinge Rock is what I call it; usually releasing things like this (maybe I am being influenced by your post here)
    VerseI'm not happy with my lifeNeed to marry a celebrity wifeMake more money if we're a brandWrite messages on my hand
    Chorus:Posh Spice is my patron SaintHigh art her work it ain'tWhen you're down so low you wanna cryDown to one Ferrari you're gonna dieYour diamoind shoes they cut so deepThis celebrity lifestyle will make you weep
    Repeat Verse only add more angstPiano solo
    Guitar solo
    Angst solo
    Crying solo
    Wave a lightbulb around on a rope.
    Relax
    Release solo album which must be labelled "Seminal" whatever that means. Porbably that the DJ got a free copy. In the ganbang-o-rama or PR and marketing that now constitutes a "Music Industry". Yeah, Chris/Bono/Phil Collins, go tell a miner who's raised a family of four after the pit's shut, that you work in an industry. Industry means getting your hands mucky, dirt under your nails and having to take a bath once a day rather than the vogue for once a month our pop "stars" currently display. Not waking at 1pm, skinning up, penning a few lyrics, coffee, fags. Booze, fags. Coke, fags. Fags, fags. Drink, more drink and then some drink to wash it all down and being poured into a taxi outside the Groucho club at 4am to start it all again the next day. That, my friends is not an Industry it's an excuse for never having to grow up and get a real job.
    Don't get me started on the roving drugs buffet named Pete Docherty

  2. I never did understand why they calll it the music 'industry' since the only thing it has in common with proper 'industry' is that the bloke at the very top is more than likely a complete prat who doesn't give a flying rat's behind about anything but making money and who wears naff shoes. As for Pete Docherty, he is living proof that sometimes natural selection cocks up in this modern age. Had he been born a few million years ago the gormless fuckwit would have been eaten by something large and hairy before he even reached puberty. Which is as it should be. I wouldn't mind so much but Babyshambles have only released about 3 songs, at least 2 of which were crap. Amy Winehouse is another one who looks to be going the same way, which is a shame because she does appear to have a modicum of talent. Still, a good scrub with carbolic and a yardbrush should sort her out. She does look a bit like she might smell funny.

  3. Thank you for the coldplay bit. I hate that retard. And I hate his music even more. Shittily shitted in a shit way is what it is.

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