Thump an Accountant

I hereby nominate today as 'National Thump An Accountant Day'. I will be thumping the sanctimonius, pedantic, smug little twerp from our accounts department downstairs who has just come up to give me a lecture on how the safety department is not a money making department and needs to cut back on training costs for site staff but you can choose any accountant you like. If there's a weedy little bean-counting, pen-pushing pedant out there who has made your life more difficult then go on, cut loose, thump them.

I take no responsibility for any resulting legal action.

And I apologise to any accountant out there who is not a complete arse.

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It’s the middle of the week folks!

Well, it's now the middle of the week, only 3 and a half days til the weekend. Which is mighty good as it's gone mental at work at the moment. I am currently doing the work of 2 people, myself and our NE advisor who is frankly, not worth the airspace that he takes up. Nice chap, completely bloody hopeless. This means that while I am covering the arse of a bloke who is on 5k a year more than me my own work is falling behind and I am in danger of drowing in a sea comprised entirely of bits of paper, training requests and invoices. I was moaning that my job was boring and there was nothing to do last month, be careful what you wish for……..

On the bright side, I don't work for the customs and revenue department so it could be worse. I love the fact that they said it was 'regrettable' that they had lost the personal details of 25 million individuals. How is it 'earth-shatteringly, daily-fine-emptying-your -bank-accountingly, calamatously appalling' to the revenue folks if you hand in your tax return a month late but only 'regrettable' to lose the names, addresses, dates of birth and bank account details of half the population? Methinks they need to assess their priorities. Though perhaps it'll wait till they've assessed how the YTS lad was allowed to copy massive amounts of confidential data then lose it. And this is the collection of incompetants who want me to give them my biometric data along with everything else so they can issue me with a stupid card? I don't think so. Bet Alistair Darling was REALLY looking forward to work this morning, he's a shoe-in for the office 'Wanker of the Week' trophy.

Micah and I are off for drinks with my friend Lou and her husband this Saturday. After last time we went out for drinks with them I'm slightly nervous. Last time I woke in the morning fully clothed. There was Vimto up the wall, which was an intriguing mystery, not only because I don't have any recollection of how it got there but also because we don't buy Vimto and didn't have any in the house. Another mystery was the 2 laptop batteries next to the bed. I've no memory of how they got there either and I don't own a laptop. I can only assume that in a state of extreme drunkenness I broke into someone's house, stole their laptop batteries and made myself a glass of Vimto for the journey home. It's entirely possible because getting home is another chunk of the evening that didn't make its mark on my memory. I am a disgrace. In the morning I got up and felt ok. It took a while for me to realise that this was because I was still pissed. When I sobered up I felt very very far from ok. Hangover from hell. Very nasty. This time I am determined, I will not end up a hideously drunken mess who has to be poured out of a taxi complete with the random items she has acquired throughout the night. I can do it!!

I think.

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Crap

Today is such a crap day that I have resorted to the emergency Cadbury's Crunchie that lives (or more to the point 'lived') in the glove compartment of my car. Sometimes needs must…….

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Bonfire Night

This year's bonfire night was spent on my own in a hotel in County Durham, waiting for a 4 hour conference on 'Site Waste Management' that I was going to the next morning. Can you imagine my excitement and joy? I'm sure you can. Sitting in a restaurant on my tod like a complete loser was a joyous experience, made even more enjoyable by the drunken advances of a group of pissed up sales reps who were also staying in the hotel. Roll on next bonfire night.

The good thing is that I did not entirely miss out on fireworks as bonfire night is not so much bonfire night as bonfire fortnight now. So the fireworks started a week or so ago and are still going on now. Sunday night was especially loud and the dog was so upset that we had to tranquilise him for the first time. Because it was the first time I wasn't entirely sure of the dosage so gave him 1 tablet. It would appear that he only requires half a tablet. The dog was as stoned as a weasel, he was cross eyed, he kept falling over things that were on the floor, he was weaving from side to side and I would swear he was grinning. Eventually he ate a large bowl of food before conking out on his bed and not even twitching till morning. Ah memories, we've all been there……My parent's dog was even more entertaining as whenever he walked anywhere he'd pick up each paw very carefully and slowly and deliberately put it down. He kept lifting up his front paw and gawping at it like he'd never seen it before, then snorting to himself and putting it down, all the while never taking his eyes off it. Lord knows what was going on in his head but it must have been odd.

It seems that the chavs next door have been raiding Navy ships this year. Either that or they've bought a cannon. Every night since Thursday the house has been rocked by a series of huge explosions from their garden, the kind that make the windows rattle, the ornaments fall off the mantlepiece and the dog dive for shelter under the dining room table. My mum assures me that they are not in fact launching an airstrike on Prestwich, they have 'acquired' a collection of commercial fireworks but I'm not convinced. If you see an area of North Manchester on the news, having been reduced to nothing more than a smoking crater you'll know I was right. I'm wondering if they are also responsible for the fact that our entire estate is covered, and I do mean covered, in little bits of shredded and singed bits of red paper. It's all very odd.

The local news has just been on the radio, there've been the usual spate of ludicrous bonfire night injuries but to mentioned I thought were particularly worthy of a Darwin award for Stupidity:

1 – The lad who is now in the burns unit after attempting to leapfrog the large burning heap of wood, without a great deal of success.

2- The Salford chav who found a firework on his way to school and decided to see what happened if he warmed it up with his cigarette lighter. Suprisingly enough, warming it up with a lighter ignited it and he is now also in hospital.

I sometimes wonder how people this stupid ever manage to reach their teens.

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