Dog Attire

Our family dog, Barney, is 12 years old and he had been losing a lot of weight. He also had a large lump growing on his side and we weren't convinced that it was a fat pad like the vet had said so we had it biopsied. As we suspected the dog has terminal cancer. As part of the biopsy the dog had to have his side shaved and so now he is a long haired collie cross on one side and as bald as an egg on the other and it means he gets cold on walks. A week of taking him out after dark with a scarf around his midriff and then playing scissors. paper, stone to see who got to remove the pee soaked garment on our return convinced us that he needed a dog coat. So off I go onto the internet to find a plain,black dog coat that wouldn't make the poor creature look like a complete arse. You'd think it would be easy wouldn't you? You would be wrong. There are coats aplenty but not many simple black ones and I ended up with my jaw resting on the desk at the sheer tastelessness of what is out there. Eventually I found what I needed on Ebay but I feel that I have to bring the cultural phenomenon that is 'doggy attire' to the attention of anyone who may happen across this diary, so here, for your delight and quite possibly horror, are a few of the items that I found:



Are you the kind of girl that thinks carrying a small dog in a handbag is a good idea? Do you have 'Playboy' emblazoned down the side of your powder pink Ford Ka? Then the chances are that you have this appalling piece of spotty shite. Your dog may be small but don't think that given the chance it wouldn't take you out with a Exocet missile while you slept for inflicting this twee monstrosity on it. Incidentally – those little stick things on the bottom of your dog, those are legs. You'll find that if you put the dog down on the floor it'll balance on these 'legs' and move itself about. They are designed to negate the need for carrying it everywhere. The phrase 'walking the dog' was actually coined to mean both you AND the dog walk, rather than you walk with the dog under your arm wearing a truly ridiculous coat. This might explain why other people in the park have been laughing at you as you go past.



Are you kind of ironic and post modern? Nope, you're a tit. Your dog came with its own furry jumper, rendering a hoodie with a stupid politico message on it pointless. Take it off and burn it.



It's PVC. It makes your dog look a little bit S&M and therefore more than a little bit wrong. I do appreciate the practicality of wipe clean fabrics but you'd look less pervy if you'd cut leg holes out of a Tesco carrier bag and put the dog in that.




Go on, admit it. You've shortened your name to 'Daz' or 'Spaz' or something. You drive a Fiat Punto but you've lowered the suspension, removed all the badges and added an exhaust system that sounds like an elephant after 15 pints and an extra hot vindaloo. You spend your weekends downing 2 litre bottles of cider in the park with your girlfriend Kaylee-Louise and your dog is called "Killer' or 'Homicide' or something equally mindlessly violent. It's probably a staffie or pit bull cross and if it had any functioning brain cells it would remove your arm for coming within 20 yards of it with this appallingly chav piece of tat. Nicking car stereos and wheel trims is one thing but you should burn in eternal shame for inflicting camouflage dogwear on society.



I've got one word – CRUEL. I hope the RSPCA track you through your credit card payment and prosecute. You should be paraded around the streets of your hometown dressed as a giant bumblebee, complete with stupid hat and then left in the stocks for a week so that dogs can pee up your leg and laugh at you and how silly you look. Dressing your dog up to look ridiculous is not big and it's not clever. If you aren't careful karma will catch up with you and you'll come back in the next life as a dung beetle, destined to spend your entire life pushing balls of elephant turd around the African Plains. And it'll bloody well serve you right. I suggest you go and sit in the naughty corner, on your own, and think about what you've done.


If I hadn't found it all on the internet I wouldn't have believed it. 



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2 Responses

  1. FINALLY! I finally remembered which email/password I used to sign up. So now I can comment here again, yay!
    Sorry about your dog, that is awful!
    I never understand how some people can subject their puppy pals to such horrendous articles of clothing, haha. Your descriptions made me laugh so hard. Thanks for that!

  2. Sorry to hear about your dog :(Your commentary on doggie attire was too good – it had me in stitches! 🙂

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