New Year Trip part 2

30th December

Get rudely woken up by my husband who announces that his dad wants to take us metal detecting. I want to stay in bed but realise that I must be polite so get up and get dressed, imagining half an hour, maybe an hour wandering round a field looking for treasure.

2 hours later we are still in a field. We have so far discovered an old nail and 2 horseshoes and the husband's dad wants to know why we aren't being more enthusiastic. I want to know exactly how long you have to stay outside before the frostbite in your toes becomes irreversible and they turn that funny black colour that you see in documentaries about people who climb Everest. I'd also be curious to know whether we have permission to be in this field because the van at the bottom of the lane looks suspiciously like a police van. Then the husband's mum rings to berate him for not having been at hers first thing in the morning because although she and his dad have been divorced for 20 years she still hasn't cottoned on to the fact that he has to make time to see both of them, not just her.

At 3pm she and his step dad arrive to pick us up. She is driving which should have set alarm bells ringing for a start but due to the fact I'm still shagged from the bus journey I don't really notice. We go to the Co op and buy some wine and a newpaper.

By 6pm we are in their living room and I'm trying to persuade them that really, the 2 glasses of wine I've just had are fine because I don't normally drink in the afternoons and the husband is reading the paper. By 6.30pm his stepdad who, as it turns out, has been drinking for most of the day and is completely pissed, has had a massive tantrum and stropped off to bed because husband was reading the paper. No, I don't know why that wound him up so badly either but it did. Husband's mother is in tears and is flapping about telling us what a nice man he is normally. Really? He hides it well because he's a drunken arsecrisp every time I meet him. Husband is flapping because 'he has guns upstairs you know'. Yes, I do know because everyone flaps about them every time he has a pissed up strop and frankly, given what he's consumed today he has more chance of creating a cure for cancer than unlocking the cabinet then loading up and successfully discharging a firearm. So the two of them continue to flap round the house with my mother in law in tears while I quietly retreat to the garden for another cigarette and to phone my mum and tell her how much I don't want to be there. At 11pm, after watching a film at the kind of noise volumes that can cause long term deafness and pins you to your seat ("Will you PLEASE turn it up properly, I can't hear a thing") we go to bed.  

Once in bed husband turns the pest control thingy off because it makes a high pitched noise. This turns out to have been a bad idea because now the mice are moving about under the floorboards and are making scratching noises. At least I assume they are under the floorboards, they might be under the bed for all I know. And what happens when you're exhausted and stressed and really need a good night's sleep? Of course, you can't get to sleep. Reading, counting sheep, swearing in different languages, reciting times tables, all failed. At 4am husband gets hacked off with me fidgeting about and swearing to myself and moves into the spare room. I fall asleep at 5am only to be woken up at 9am because husband has left his phone on the bloody window ledge and his lunatic sister has started ringing repeatedly in a bid to get his attention. At this point I could quite cheerfully strangle her. Not much new there I suppose.

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