The budget has been announced – and it’s time to rant.

Alistair Darling, our badger faced Chancellor has announced the budget and once again it has annoyed me. Why? Because once again I might as well have given him a list of all the things I enjoy and do as a full time employed middle class female who has a car then watched him work through it slapping a new tax on every item. Let's hav a look at a few of his announcements shall we?

BOOZE

The government fears that Britain has a problem with booze and antisocial behaviour and for once they might just be correct. I'm forever tripping over pissed up teens on my way to Spar to buy some soy sauce. So the government have decided to tackle the problem head on. Have they announced an education programme to get teens educated about alcohol? Nope. Have they announced investment in youth clubs to give kids an alternative to hanging around at the end of my road getting smashed? Er…no. The solution they've come up with is……the NuLabour favourite, whack a bit more tax on it. And it's really well thought out as too. 14p more on a bottle of wine – so those of us who like a glass of decent Cabernet Sauvignon with dinner a couple of nights a week will be out of pocket. If they've put that on a bottle of wine then surely the teens favourite tipple, cider, will have been taxed into the middle of next week, won't it? Well actually no, it won't. Cider is up 3p a litre from Sunday. This means that a litre of Diamond White, enough, to encourage the average teen to smash the bus stop then throw up over mum's Axminster will be up from about £2,50 to….about £2.50. Alistair, you're a fucking genius.

 

CARS

With this bit of the budget Alistair is trying to convince us that the government cares about the environment. As we all know, this isn't actually true because if it was none of them would have a car and they certainly wouldn't drive large performance cars. On expenses. There is to be major reform of vehicle excise duty so that 'polluting' cars pay up to £950 a year in tax while lowest polluting cars pay nothing. I'm willing to bet that the average car (mine's a Fiesta 1.25 if anyone's interested) goes up in tax. Added to which, the most polluting car I've sat behind ina  while was a 12 year old Datsun Sunny which contained 7 Asian chaps and was pumping out thick black smoke from the rear. Chances that they have £950 to spend on car tax? Slim. The answer for your average punter? Don't register your vehicle and slap a false set of number plates on it. The result – Britain will be full of unregistered vehicles making dealing with car crime virtually impossible.

The congestion charge was introduced in London to cut congestion, obviously. For a while it worked but then people realised that you could get round it by cloning the number plate of someone else's vehicle and sticking it on yours. This is quite common now apparently. The other problem with the congestion charge is that is hasn't worked. Congestion in London went down briefly then went straight back up again and is now worse than ever. This scheme has been such a fuck up that Alistair and the other government goons have decided to…….set aside funds to introduce it to the rest of the country. Again, well done chaps, who needs joined up thinking anyway?

 

THE ENVIRONMENT 

Laws are to be introduced to tax plastic bags if shops aren't charging for them. I can't even be bothered to go into how utterly mental this is except to say – what are they going to do, send auditors round to my gaff to riffle through my drawers and cupboards in order to find illicit Tesco carrier bags? Maybe they could retrain the police sniffer dogs, no more hunting out smack for them, it's carrier bags all the way for Fido and friends. Completely bloody mental.

Apparently, for 'environmental reasons' fuel duty will rise by 0.5p a litre in real terms in 2010. Environmental reasons? Do I look like I just dropped out of a fucking tree or something?

 

There's plenty more I could say but frankly I can't be arsed, I'm just making myself angry and I'm actually meant to be doing some work. So, for all those out there who don't spend their days sat on their arse watching Jeremy Kyle, drinking Special Brew and smoking Rothmans, for those who work or are at home trying to bring up their kids to be reasonable, well educated, fair people with a decent work ethic, for anyone who doesn't live in London so doesn't have a possible public trainsport link to every bit of their hometown I suggest this:

 

Take the above picture of our eyebrow-heavy buffoon of a chancellor, print it out, cut round it, glue it to a bit of cardbord, wall mount it and throw darts at it. Pretty soon it's the only entertainment you're going to be able to afford. 

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8 Responses

  1. We have our own problems of course so it's somehow reassuring to hear that political buffoonery and boneheaded legislation are not limited to the numskulls on this side of the pond.

  2. Ah no, political fuckwittery is in fact an international creature. I mean look at France – they are controlled by a man who is more interested in foreign holidays, media moments and doing the horizontal tango with his model girlfriend than actually running the country. Or Russia, who is now ruled by a sock puppet that has ex-President Putin's hand up its behind. Nope, the US is far from the only place where the lunatics are running the asylum.

  3. "political fuckwittery is in fact an international creature…" LMAO!! I'm stuck in bed at home with a horrible head cold – but your post will keep me smiling all day:))

  4. Wasn't that the frenchman who was all about hard work back when he was married? Actually I thought I read that he married the model so we'll see if it lasts. He should be ready to roll up his sleeves and head back to the office in a few weeks. Oh wait, then it will be summer which I understand the french take completely off. It's a good gig if you can get it. Hard to begrudge a man foreign holidays and model boffing if he can get paid for doing it. And for that matter who wouldn't want a hand up one's arse (figuratively of course) making all the decisions. No pressure at all. Meanwhile I'm over here sweating out this completely ridiculous presentation I have to give without a model or a holiday in sight.

  5. I too have no swanky holiday paid for by a sheik in sight, no model and no hand up my arse (not neccessarily a bad thing). All I have is a 2ft paper mountain, a broken stapler, a prat of a colleague making my job harder because he has no balls and all this on less than a tenth of what the perma-tanned Frog is on. If this is karma then I was a founding member of the Gestapo in a former life and he was John the Baptist.
    Good luck with the presentation!

  6. Though this might be racist to say so ( I hope not) one of the things the British do better than anyone else is humour. This post and the comments therein, prove my point. If the Chancellor puts a tax on humour, the whole word will lose. Thanks for the laugh and the reassurance that politicans are dumb-assed everywhere.

  7. Don't give them ideas! They tax everything here. I was laughing at the fact that they haven't yet brought in a toilet tax – then I realised that since I paid Value Added Tax on the food and drink, the toilet itself and the water in it they actually had. The entertaining thing about our dumb-assed politicians is that despite having massive salaries and huge expenses they actually think they are underpaid. Swines.

  8. It's no different here. Congress keeps giving itself raises and tax breaks and many Americans don't even notice.

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