Christmas arrangements and making a payment.

So, today in my very exciting life I have 2 things to report.

1)     After the last fiasco at Micah's mother's house (involving a lot of drink, a tantrum form his stepdad, a 90 minute game of 'hunt the secret booze stash that Rob is using to get twatted', a panic about the fact that he was drunk and angry and had access to a selection of shotguns, my mother in law having hysterics, having to be locked into our bedroom due to aforementioned problem with drunken stepfather and guns, mice under the bed and the fact I didn't get to sleep till 5am) I informed him last night that although I was happy (and by 'happy' I do of course merely mean 'resigned') to visit his family for christmas this year I wasn't willing to stay at his mother's house again. This isn't just because of his drunken stepfather who has the most amazing ability to completely ruin any social occasion by getting steaming drunk and starting a fight, but also because of his sister, an eerie creature who doesn't blink and who has many of the characteristics of Semtex. She is the only person who has ever screamed at me for no reason and not received a gobful in return and the reason for that is I was completely astounded. I'd never seen a 35 year old have a tantrum before and believe me, it's quite a sight, especially since she's cross eyed.

Unbelievably Micah just agreed that it would be best if we didn't stay there, which means I wasted an hour of my day thinking up convincing arguments as to why we shouldn't for no reason because he didn't even question it. This concerns me slightly because he said the reason he agreed so readily was because of the guns. Now, I just thought he was being completely paranoid and a bit of a drama queen (his family do have a touch of the histrionics from time to time and are rather prone to exaggeration) but for him to just state that he is quite happy to upset his mother by not staying at their house means he must have actually been genuinely concerned. Which bothers me because maybe that means there is something to be concerned about. My brother reckons I should shop him to the local police as an alcoholic which would mean that the guns would mare than likely be taken off him. I don't know why he keeps them anyway, he's usually pissed and when he isn't he's got the DTs so badly that his hands look like rest of him is standing on top of washing machine on spin cycle. He's got less chance of hitting a target with a bullet than I have of winning gold in the Olympic 100m sprint. Alarmingly I think this is what the rest of his family are counting on to stop them from receiving a direct hit from a 12 bore.


2)    Today I received a letter from the Next Directory to tell me I'd forgotten to pay my bill this month. Oops. So I attempted to pay online through their website but when the payment went to checking it came up with an message that said 'error on template'. As I had no idea whether the payment had gone through or not I thought I'd call customer services. So I get through to 'Joanne Smith' in Delhi and explained the problem and it's then that things got annoying:

Joanne: Well it is that you can be making a payment on your card Now. Are you be wanting to do that?

Me: Yes.

Joanne:  Is it that the card that you will be paying with is registered to the address that the account is in?

Me: Erm…no. Because I don't live at the address that the account is registered to, it's my parents address and the account is registered to there because I used to live there. I didn't change it because there isn't anyone at my new house during the day to receive the products.

Joanne: It is that you are only able to pay on the account with a card registered to the account address.

Me: But I don't have a card registered to that address because I haven't lived there for 4 years.

Joanne: It is that you are only able to pay on the account with a card registered to the account address.

Me: So do I have to change the account address to pay over the phone with my card?

Joanne: yes, that is being it.

Me: But doesn't that mean that all the stuff will be delivered to the new account address, my house, during the day while no one is in?

Joanne (happily): Yes. That is being it.

Me: But that isn't really going to work is it? Because you can't give stuff to someone who isn't there can you?

Joanne: No. You can't. Yes that is it. Deliver to account address, pay account, yes, that is it.


Give me strength.


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6 Responses

  1. I have to say again that I particularly enjoy your musings. I'm not sure if it's because of the previously discussed fishwife quality of the diction or the fact that a charming accent literally drips off the screen. I have many cousins that hail from the UK and I used to ring up a couple of them just to hear them rant on with their "tosser this and sotting that!" Reading your stuff is much cheaper. Your presentations iare aesthetically pleasing also just because one gets the visual panoply of a bunch of baby clothes surrounding the countenance of that "badger faced twat" or whatever you called him.
    Stories like your step in-laws are funny until the day when shots actually ring out. I was under the impression that other countries had a better grasp on the gun issue and it was only here where any and all lunatics have the "right" to carry, wave, brandish, and drunkenly access firearms.
    On the Dehli thing, what I like to do is ask them questions that are off script. I read an article explaining that most are hired based on their ability to master the twenty or so phrases that the outsourcing companies have deemed that they need in as close to accent free English as they practice. They don't however learn to actually speak it. If you suddenly inquire about the weather or the price of tea you get silence followed by a repetition of one of the twenty phrases. I've caught phone supporters who sounded like they were born and raised in the neighborhood until I uttered something like "did you get a chance to catch the eclipse last night?" Confusion and silence followed by "Have I been meeting your needs?" Of course with the dumbing down of the general populace over here I suppose there's no guarantee that someone actually from the neighborhood noticed the eclipse either especially if it coincided with American Idol or some such.

  2. I am glad to hear that my swearing is appreciated by someone. My mother was never very impressed by it, however Ade, my dad, is both pleased and proud that his teachings have not been wasted and that I can lever the word 'twat' into virtually any social circumstance. My brother has an even more impressive and widely used collection of obscenities and he works in Parliament. This may tell you something about the people that are running our country. Frankly, it's frightening.
    My inlaws are funny on paper. When you write down things that they do it is funny, however when you have lived them for a week they are somewhat less amusing and have the ability to raise homicidal tendancies in the most mild mannered of people. By the end of the last visit to them I could have quite cheerfully taken one of the step father-in-laws shotguns and rammed them sideways up the tradesman's entrance. And if the many-handed lech puts his hand on my knee just one more time that's exactly what I'll do.
    Perhaps I'll start asking odd questions to foreign phone centre workers. I think I'll start with "What are views on the repeal of the 'Land of Idiots Act 1324?". Which incidentally is still on the statute books of this country and relates to the forfeiting of lands owned by people deemed to be 'completely mental'.

  3. Twat is an excellent word in almost every situation except of course the one for which it was originally intended

  4. 1) You know, I really thought south-asian cultures had the monopoly on families-in-law from hell but I may have to re-think that one. Mind I could tell a few stories, but not half so elegantly. You really have mastered 'red' language into an art form, if only I had half that talent… everytime I swear it always sounds so out of place that I usually give up!2) This reminds me of the exact scenario I went through when I was buying my mac. (a) I couldn't understand the guy no matter how hard I tried (and I'm of south asian origin myself) (b) whatever garbled bits I did understand, didn't necessarily make sense to the given circumstances (c) I just wanted to buy a laptop, how hard could it possibly be to have someone take your money?? Then followed, a further fiasco where I had to phone up barclays and get them to take the security limit (which I don't ever recall asking for) off my visa, so I could go back to the first guy and repeat the conversation we had, so I could actually buy the mac. It has to be said, the first guy was actually far more helpful and service orientated that the second, who was distinctly of british origin, and made it seem like he was doing me a great favour and I was causing him a huge amount of inconvenience (um, isn't that his job?), and further, that I was as thick as shit because I didn't understand the monosyllabic replies he was giving out. Ahh, customer service….. wonderful.

  5. I laughed, but the underlying helplessness is apparent. In-laws from hell. Another global phenomenon ……
    I'll be sending you a private message tomorrow if I may. Have a question Id like to ask…..Would that be alright?

  6. That's fine! Now I'm intrigued………

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