My local MP – Proudly showing the world that he’s a wanker.

This charming example of radience and beauty is my local MP, Ivan Lewis. He has a website where he can put up all the wonderful and amazing things that he and labour have done for our local area. Rather than being the big blank white space that it should be, given that the bunch of tosspots in charge have done precisely bugger all for our local area, it is full of really important stuff, like the fact that a sculpture now resides in Prestwich town centre and some other tedious guff but the inevitable attempt to make it look like an entirely London-centric government give a flying fornication about a Northern town wasn't what interested me. What really made me blink with stupification that anyone could allow themselves to look like such a grade A, prize-winning pillock inline was the little article that Ivan has written about people's views on Labour today. The full thing can be found here, I'm not going to put the whole thing up because, as is normal for anyone connected with Labour, it's pretty long winded and mainly contains nothing of any substance but I will put my tuppence worth in for a couple of the paragraphs that particularly ground my gears:

 

"In conversation with colleagues last week we were agreed that despite current political difficulties in reality we have been rather a good Government. If only the electorate understood all would be well!"

Yes indeed, finally an MP has been dumb enough to actually write down that the government think we, the electorate, are too stupid to understand simple concepts. Putting an exclamation mark at the end to make it look like you're joking isn't going to fool anyone Ivan, we all KNOW that the government thinks we are too stupid to think for ourselves. That is the excuse they use for trying to do the thinking for us. It's also the reason they use for not telling us the truth about things – They aren't 'lying', they are 'protecting us from complicated concepts that would send our tiny minds into meltdown'. Well quite, excuse me while I go and poke myself repeatedly in the eye with a crayon in an attempt to work out which end to colour in with. Perhaps after that I'll go and bang my head against the wall for a while. Anything to prevent me from harming myself by actually thinking.

 

"It is a great irony that the party which revolutionised political communication has failed so dismally to persuade people that new Labours values, policies, and investment have led to the major advances which are so evident in every community. Record school investment, expanded apprenticeships, new children’s centres, slashed NHS waiting lists, new health centres, enhanced parks, regenerated cities and an improved standard of living for the vast majority." 

Well I'll definately allow them the fact that they 'revolutionised political communication', it's just unfortunate that it wasn't in a good way. They introduced such charming concepts as the 'Spin Doctor', or to give him his more accurate title 'bloke who lies about stuff to make the government look less rubbish'. Once they discovered that the spin doctors had become unpopular they dispensed with their services and took over the job of lying to the public for themselves.  NHS waiting lists have indeed been slashed but not by getting people dealt with faster, by rejigging the system, sending people from list to list and generally buggering them about. If they've made healthcare so much better then why do you have a 34% higher chance of surviving 5 years after a cancer diagnosis in France than here? As for 'an improved standard of living for the vast majority', well not 100% sure where he's plucked this little gem from. Soon it's going to be cheaper to fill your car with molton gold than unleaded petrol, food prices have soared, antisocial behaviour is at an all time high and people in cities won't go out at night. Unless you're counting chavs as 'the vast majority' in which case the phrase works. It has never been easier for Kayleigh-Chantelle and her mates to sit at home all day smoking Rothmans, drinking cider and bellowing at her kids because idiots like me are quite willing to go out and work so that Ivan and his chums can take most of it off us to pay chavs to stay home. Yes, their standard of living has risen enormously now that they don't have to get off their arses and get a bloody job. And the standard of living for MPs hasn't exactly dropped either.  

 

"the party which will always live with the stigma of an unpopular war; the party which is telling people that the global credit crunch means things are going to be tough for hardworking families in the period ahead."

Listen sunshine, thanks to you lot it's not all fucking champagne and Bolivian nose candy for those of us who haven't got kids either. And refer to above paragraphs about 'not thinking' and 'lying' for the majority view on the Iraq war.  

 

"In his historic address to the first Parliamentary Labour Party meeting following our 1997 landslide victory Tony Blair cited the famous quote “we are the servants of the people not their masters” – and said the day we forget that, we are finished."

 So you do understand that you aren't our masters, you are meant to be the elected representative of the electorate? Can I then assume you are just choosing to ignore this fact?

 

"we truly are the servants of the people; the only Party which speaks for the mainstream majority who work hard and play by the rules."

A this bit I was unfortunately drinking some Robinson's orange and mango juice which promptly went straight up my nose as I snorted in disbelief, causing a rather undignified coughing fit. Either Ivan has the most exquisite sense of irony or he is a complete cock who in true New Labour fashion isn't about to let the fact that he is talking out of his arse get in the way of a good soundbite. I suspect it isn't the first option. I work hard and play by the rules and this shower of corrupt, self-interested, lying shagbats certainly don't speak for me.

 

So there we have - New Labour are shit and my MP is a complete wanker. Fact. 

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One Response

  1. Okay. Got it. Your politicians are enough to cause nosebleeds just as ours are. But who is Kayleigh-Chantelle? I must know…

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