5 Questions for Summer.

The lovely mini-heatwave that has engulfed Britain has left me with some important and unanswered questions. So here they are:

 

1.  Why is everyone in this country so obsessed with tans?

Britain is now officially 'tantastic'. We have something called 'tanorexics', which are not (as you might expect) young women with an eating disorder that means they will consume nothing but fake tan, no, these are people who are addicted to sunbeds.

 

Nice colour dear. The burnt toast look is SOOO now. When asked about her concerns about prolonged sunbed use, one tanoraxic said "“My tan gives me confidence. I’m pleased to hear I don’t have a lot of damage to my face. I’m more bothered about getting wrinkles than skin cancer. When you’re young it’s hard to worry about getting old.” Leaving aside the fact that in the olden days someone this vain and stupid would have been wiped out early by natural selection, thereby giving them no chance of breeding and passing on this inane brainlessness to further generations, who the hell is more concerned by wrinkles than cancer? When did this madness begin? In Victorian times skin like mine, white as the driven snow, was the thing to have. It signalled that you were not someone who had to be out in the sun working, no, you were posh enough to be able to stay indoors if the sun came out. Nowadays you aren't one of the in crowd unless you are the colour of a mahogany sideboard and have skin like a dried out old leather handbag.

 

2. Given the current obsession with tans, why has no one yet created a fake tan that's easy to use?

In a rare moment of pandering to current trend (and because I'm bloody roasting in trousers) I decided to make another attempt at putting fake tan on the dazzling white expanse of my legs. Last time it did not go well but perhaps this time would go better. Or perhaps not. I still have strange tiger stripe legs with deep brown knees and much whiter shins and I still have the streak down the side of my foot and between my toes that makes it look a bit like I've trodden in a turd. Added to which, no person on earth has ever naturally been the bizarre shade of gingernut-orange that the tanned bits of my legs have gone. When someone invents a fake tan that doesn't make you look like you've been involved in a chemical accident then I'll try again. Until then I think I'll leave it.

 

3.  Escaping Spare Tyres, why do they think it's a good idea?

Why is it that during Winter, those among us sporting a fine layer of winter padding know that the done thing is to keep it under wraps. Hell, after about 21 there's precious few of us look quite the same in a bikini but everyone's wearing a jumper so it's all good however Summer is a different story altogether. There are some people who just haven't grasped the fact that only those size 8 or below should be wearing certain types of clothing so at the first ray of sunshine, the first inkling of a sunbeam peeking out from behind a cloud, the crop top is pulled out from the back of the wardrobe where it has been nesting since last September, dusted off and is proudly levered on, using a shoe horn.

 

Why on earth does this seem like a good idea? Whilst I'm all for size equality there are some things that just aren't pretty and Kayleigh-Chantelle's size 18 bulk escaping from under a size 10 top is one of them. And for any of those girls out there who insist on doing this and were wondering, the answer is no, the spare tyre does not look 50 times more attractive and acceptable if lathered in fake tan and dyed chemical orange. So don't do it.

 

4.  Topless Chavs, is there any need?

 

Does the sight of this charming young man fill you with lust? Does the fact that his weedy little chest, devoid of any hair or discernable muscle tone and decorated only by a badly spelled tattoo is on display cause you to lose all self control? Didn't think so. Me neither. But this is all too common a sight on the streets of Manchester when the sun comes out, chav males strutting about with their chests out like shaven peacocks in baseball caps and novelty socks. They do say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but I can't believe anyone could be blind enough to find this attractive and the ones with the 8 and half month pregnant beer belly look are even worse. The reason this classes as a question of summer not just a rant against the blatantly asthetically offensive is this – I don't understand why there isn't some sort of bylaw against chavs walking around topless. If I walked around without my top on the constabulary would soon have something to say so why can chav blokes do it with impunity? Surely that is far more offensive to the eye? Baffling.

 

5 – Why must sunshine be greeted by a burst of gangsta rap?

Picture the scene – the sun is out, you're in the garden with a book, it's Pimms o'clock and all's right with the world. You are just listening to the birds tweeting merrily in the bushes when suddenly"I'M GONNA SMACK YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' BITCH UP HOMEY"Oh goody, the chavs on the balconies of the housing association flats have decided that they want to sunbathe too and what is sunbathing without your stereo on the windowledge blasting out tales of shooting, 'ho's, drug use and violence to the entire neighbourhood at 400 decibels? Why would you want to listen to the sounds of the birds and the kids playing out at the front when you can have "Puff Eejit Drugsmaster" telling you all about how he "Got himself a motherfuckin' weapon and laid dem brothers down man coz he de man wij de weed and de homeys". Quite. He 'de man' probably living in a gated community with other rich blokes going nowhere near any poor neighbourhoods or actual violence. Prat. Why is that every time I try and sit int eh garden this happens? Have the balcony-prats never heard of earphones or do they think they are doing us all a favour by treating us to the mindless crap that passes for music in their world? Whatever the answer I wish they'd bloody pack it in.

 

Summer, a world of good times but so baffling in so many ways.

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11 Responses

  1. you are SOOOOO RIGHT! Despite our horrific sun cancer rate we still have people bakng on the beach. Laws have just been passed stopping any under the age of 16 from going to a solarium as they can be worse than the sun for causing cancer.
    Excellent

  2. Some of the sunburn I've seen walking around this weekend has been really quite special. I don't understand why people in the UK don't get it, skin cancer is not nice. My grandma had malignant melanoma on her leg and it became badly infected. I never ever want to smell anything like that again, even 2 years after her death I can smell it if I think about it, it was horrific, especially when it haemorrhaged. Why anyone would risk that to look brown is utterly beyond me, it really is.

  3. I have never been a sunbather. Always used really high factor cream because I buy it for the kids and I end up getting a slow tan that builds over the summer and never usually burn.Hate the tanorexic look. Sunbathing is boring. I am crap sitting out in the direct sun, makes me feel sick.My mum used to come home from work and cover herself in coconut oil (as did my nan nad great auntie before her) and roast herself. She also had a sunbed in her bedroom at one point when I was a teenager. All three of these women were stunning in their prime but are so wrinkly now. My mum is only 46 and has always looked good for her age but the wrinkles and over tanned face have aged her a lot in the past few years.Maybe that's why I get asked for ID. Because I'm not a sun worshipper and I don't smoke.I love the summer. Love the warm weather but tan lines are so bad. There was a mum donw at nursery this morning with a halter neck top on but she's obviously been in the sun yesterday in a normal vest as she had terrible sunburn. She could have at least worn the same style of top to prevent people glaring at her lily white tan lines. Fool.

  4. I've never been a sunbather either. I too get bored and since I have the traditionally British lily white skin I wouldn't go brown, I'd puce then possibly beige. I never use less than factor 30 and try to stay out of the sun as much as possible.
    Coconut oil? Jesus. Doesn't that work on the same principle as basting a chicken before you cook it? I remember girls on holiday when we were younger slapping on the tanning oil and burning to a crisp. There's nothing quite so stunning as a peeling forehead and shoulders, gorgeous! And you're right, tanlines do look bloody ridiculous.

  5. I've been marvelling lately at the gals who would have looked fine in the fashions of a few years ago but since they currently are expected to sport trousers that stop half way up their hips instead have exposed doughy stomachs with a mess of ink just above their cracks on the back. Tramp stamps they are called. Many have also chosen to add a belly ring absorbed in blubber. Back when the grunge look was in, I'd see teens stumbling around in the 100 degree heat wearing thick flannel shirts and ski caps just because the bands in Seattle dressed that way. And check this new trend out! Coming to a mall near you.http://www.barstoolsports.com/article/new_jersey_freakshows/1958/

  6. Hahaha… pretty much everything you've written here applies in the States too.

  7. [esto es genial]

  8. BWAHAHA!!! Tanorexic! This describes a few women I know! I am SO using this term to describe them! The quote is priceless! Wow, just wow. Haha!

  9. That sounds a pretty much perfect day! I'm jealous…..

  10. Is that for real or have they done that as joke? I can't even imagine how you make a human go that colour without industrial chemicals.

  11. You're so spot on about the Brits + a bit of sun. Have to say that it's my pet hate to see women with their bellies hanging out thinking that somehow, hey because it's summer, this show of flesh is acceptable. I've had 2 kids and now have a little belly paunch and I wouldn't dream about exposing the British public to that! It's not necessary people! Put-it-away.

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