It’s just plain wrong.

Something very disturbing has been brought to my attention and it is this:

 

 

THE BIKINI JEANS

Dear god. Apparently these have been created by a Japanese company called Sanna de Brazil and I'm wondering who they are designed to appeal to. They certainly aren't suitable for a British climate, we have rain and freezing sleet for 6 months of the year and 3 weeks of sunshine is classed as a heatwave, not really ideal for jeans that barely cover the essentials. Added to which (and I may well be showing my age here) I reckon they look a wee bit slutty.

There is of course another reason to be wary of the bikini jean. When hipster jeans were the thing you absolutely had to wear then every size 18 chav squeezed themselves into a pair, there were spare tyres escaping all over the show and muffin tops aplenty. Next came the 'skinny jean' and across the land you could hear seams screaming for mercy as Kayleigh-Chantelle desperately tried to squeeze her enormous thighs into a pair of jeans designed for a girl half her size. Following this was the 'high waisted' jean, a creature that should have been confined to the desperately skinny with no boobs but unfortunately wasn't, resulting in the 'recently institutionalised' look, as though they had been dressed by the local authority in lost clothing from the 1970s. Given that any girl who knows how to dress herself isn't going to go a yard near something as blatantly weird as the bikini jean, that leaves the girls who don't know how to dress themselves as a potential market. Picture it – 15 stones of chavette escaping from the sides and front of a pair of bikini jeans, little denim ties cutting into lardy flesh like cheesewire through Edam and arse making a valiant bid for freedom at the back. If a thing of beauty is a joy forever I have serious doubts as to whether this particular item of clothing is going to provide anyone with any happiness. Look out for them in a shopping centre near you and don't forget to report back if you have any sightings.

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3 Responses

  1. Holy crap! I gotta get me a pair! JOKEThey are baad.

  2. These have waaaay too many escape roots for flab!

  3. Oh Goodness those are terrible! I do believe they are circa 2000, a little late on the scene. The ultra low rise thing is as over as Britney's innocence.

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