The stupid things we do.

Why is that sometimes we do really stupid things? Things we know are a dumb idea. We think about them, realise they will not lead us to our finest hour then do it anyway.


Watching scary films before bed.

I was blessed with a ridiculously active imagination. It's so big that it took over the space where my common sense should be. This means that scary films aren't a very good plan for me at the best of times, I always end up glueing the dog to my ankles to warn me of psychotic clowns under the bed and the suchlike. With this in mind I cannot imagine why it seemed like a good idea to watch 'The Grudge' before bed last night.

Result: It's 4am and I'm awake because I need a pee. However I know perfectly well that if I go for a wee I'm going to be disturbed mid-flow by either a hairy thing with demonic eyes growing out of a corner of the ceiling or a small, greenish dead boy who makes cat noises and kills people. Neither of these is an appealing prospect. Applying the tiny 'logic' portion of my brain I tell myself that I go for a whizz most nights and nothing has yet attempted to kill me while I've been on the john but it isn't working. Tonight's the night. Eventually it comes to a stark choice – go to the loo or pee in the bed. So off I scamper to the bathroom, taking the dog with me for protection and prior warning of anything sinister approaching. It's official – I'm a prat.




They look so lovely in their fancy glasses, all bright colours and exotic fruits and fizzy flavour. They look so innocent and hey, they must be mainly mixer surely? So you have  three and they go down so nicely. By this point things are beginning to look warm and fuzzy but since the cocktails are hugely expensive you have a glass of wine instead. Followed by a vodka because too much wine makes you sleepy. There's a little voice at the back of your head trying to tell you something but you can't hear it over the din of the voice telling you that you are definately not pissed and another vodka is a brilliant idea. After this things get a little bit hazy and for all you know you could be drinking cat piss. You wouldn't even care.

Result - The hangover gnome has visited you as you slept. Not only has he beaten you round the head and by the feeling in your stomach, possibly poisoned you as well, he's stolen one of your shoes, your cash card and your jacket plus he's left a traffic cone and a 'For Sale' sign in the corner of your room. You need water but you know if you move your head more than 2 inches to either side you're going to die. You're never going to drink cocktails again. You are an embarrassment to yourself, your family and anyone who has ever met you. And you stink.




Stroppy Emails

So you've had another email from the stroppy bastard at work who always seems to be trying to stir up trouble. He's trying to land you in the shit again. It's his fuck upo but he's tryng to make out like it's your fault and he's being very rude. You know what you have to do, you have to leave it ten minutes until you've calmed down then you have to type a very calm and rational email explaining what has gone wrong and asking if you can have a chat about this breakdown in communications. But what is this? While you've been thinking about this calm and rational response, your fingers have been acting entirely of their own accord, they've been typing merrily, informing the email sender that it's his fuck up, not yours and that you kept evidence to prove it because you know damn well he's a back-stabbing bitch who loves to drop others in it. Your fingers are informing him that he shouldn't let inadequecies in his own work and social life turn him into a poisonous queen who nobody likes. Don't send it, don't send it, don't….oh shit. It's gone.

Result: You've been hauled in by the boss for a lecture on anger management. Is there any more delightful way to spend an afternoon? 


One day I'll learn to be sensible. Until then I shall be weathering the shitstorm as best I can. Umbrellas up ladies and gents, it's hit the fan again!!


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12 Responses

  1. I could never attempt to watch a scary movie at any time, tough they all intrigue me and I SO want to watch. But, unlike you, before bedtime is not where imagined terror starts for me, I could watch in the morning, before coffee, when I'm half comoptose, and still be rigid with fright for the rest of the day, the week, even.

    Booze- As I fall asleep, and or get frisky and/or sentimental after only two glasses of anything,the last time I had a hangover was more than thirty years ago.And I ended up married, too The thing that does me in now is ice cream. Not because it's fatteinng and I have buyer's remorse the next day, but because I am lactose intolerant. I love ice ceam, I eat it, I'm sick for three days. But, I do it anyway, especially when there is a new flavour like the one I bought yesterday- chocolate with bits of chocolate sandwich cookies inside. (sigh) That's why I was up at five a.m this morning. Stomach rebellion.
    Emails- let's not even go there. Emails have gotten me into more trouble than anything else. Especially since they are so quick. No time to place them in a drawer and think about them before sending. BTW- I despise that guy at your work. Why does he still have job? Is he the boss's nephew or something? Why can't they see how incompetent he is? Is there any chance you could save all your correspondence with him and document all his stupidities? It's bad enough he gets away with this shite, but you getting into trouble for his mistakes is a step too far. Justice must prevail.

  2. Unlucky about the ice cream! That's a real bugger.
    The incompetant one has just informed me that one of the other troublemakers has been going around saying I don't do my job properly. I swear I am one whine from this bunch away from handing in my notice. I'm sick of the bloody lot of them. They fuck up and then blame someone else and after 5 long and painful years I am now fed up of having to defend myself all the time. I cannot take a verbal request from them – I have to have an email or post request so that I have evidence at a later date. That is a decree from my boss. Does that sound like the actions of a reasonable bunch of people? They are insane and I am concerned that if I stay here much longer I'm going to develop deep seated paranoia.
    See? They're making me rant AGAIN. I really need a new job.

  3. Haaha! I cannot watch any ghost type of show before bed, I know there are ghosts ready to show themselves to me when I wake to pee in the middle of the night. When I do, I sleep very close to mr. Lavender and I hold it until morning, no matter how bad I have to pee.

  4. I share your pain on the alcohol front sister! Although, I have to say that, since having kids, I've had all of one bad hangover – in 4 years! The thought of needing to be perky for my kids (who're generally awake by 6am) doesn't really gel well with drinking loads!
    As for horror films – I stopped watching those ages ago, once I realised that I'm a wuss who'd dream about them/feel uneasy.

  5. Hahaha…you are never going to get that aaaaaaaaaaaaaacchhh sound out of your head…creeps me out everytime!!

  6. oh boy – yes, i have done that as well – flipping channels one night, i very unwisely got sucked into watching an episode of one of my shows – Afterlife – paranormal stuff – before going to bed – it was a repeat, but such fine acting, i had to watch it again! – the worst part was, i was already IN bed – i was watching it on the bedroom tv – i had to go to sleep with all the lights on – and keep my head under the covers with only an airhole by my nostrils! – you know, because if i peeked out from the covers, who knows who'd be looking back at me – ahhhh!

  7. That's why I was doing too until I remembered that at some point the green faced dead boy was IN the bed with the woman. I think that was bang out of order, everyone knows that bed is sacred and that the duvet will protect you from everything from green faced dead children to axe wielding maniacs and violating this rule should not be allowed.

  8. This is true. Some cats started doing that wailing thing under our kitchen window last night and I nearly had heart failure.

  9. 1 hangover in 4 years?? I am so jealous, I've no idea how many I've had but it is a lot. And they get worse as you get older I've found although I've not had a proper stinker since I gave up smoking.

  10. Men never seem to have the same problem – I didn't see my other half peering round the doorframe to see if anything was lurking in the bedroom. Although I'd recorded it coz I thought I'd end up going to bed before the end and he did make me remove it from the hard drive of the machine. So maybe they just try and hide the fact that they are as freaked out as we are!

  11. i agree 100% – bedworld is sacred – a safe place – and should not be violated in theory under any circumstances!where else are you supposed to even read the scary stories, if not under the safety of the covers? (this, i've done since i started reading – i've never learned!)

  12. Yeah, they just hide it better

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