Do you ever have a day which is full of weirdness? Yesterday was an odd one, with a full week's worth of random oddity packed into the waking hours of one single day. Aside from the usual day to day weirdys such going out to the car to go to work only to find that the dog had retrieved a pair of my knickers from the laundry basket and dropped them on the front lawn for all to see or discovering that I had accidentally left the sodding washing machine on the 'boilwash' cycle that I use to clean it and I was now the proud owner of a complete washload of size 0 clothing, there were a few even odder events.



1. The Dentist's Anaesthetic Event

The dentist had decided that I had to have my filling taken out and replaced with a new one. Why? I don't know but he had. So in I go, trembling at the thought of the godawful needle that dentists use. I go in, I have my injection, one side of my face goes numb and I have my filling. I come out – face still numb. Go home – face still numb. Go riding – face numb. Bed – numb. I spent an entire sodding afternoon with a semi-paralysed face, looking like I'd had a stroke and entirely unable to speak normally, smile, drink in an even semi-dignified manner or chew properly. Next time I'll be asking for the half dose because frankly it isn't nice to spend an entire day looking like a drooling escapee from the local mental health unit.




2.  The £20 notes incident

I left the dentist and headed back to my car which was parked in a side street nearby. As I approach the car I can see that there are bits of paper all over the road. These turn out to be £20 notes. They are everywhere, literally thousnds of pounds worth of notes all over the road and no one in sight. I stop. I don't know what on earth to do because this isn't a sitaution I've been in before. Do I pick up some notes and go home? Are they forged or stolen? And as I'm broke do I really care if they're stolen? Does "I picked them up off a road in Bury" count as a defence when being charged with handling stolen goods?  Then a scruffy looking Asian chap clutching a carrier bag appears from behind a van. He's looking concerned and grabbing at the £20 notes then stuffing them into the bag so logically, since there's no one else about I figure they must be his notes. I decide to do the right thing and lend a hand, abandoning all thought of refunding the £95 that the dentist has just charged for digging holes in my teeth and freezing my face by rehoming a few notes. So I go up to him and smile. Mistake. He takes one look at the malfunctioning leer created by the anaesthetic and starts backing away with a look of fear. I offer to help and he still looks scared. So I offer again. Eventually his fear of the £20 notes making it into the main road where they will be more dangerous to catch overcomes his fear of what is evidently an escaped lunatic and he accepts my help. So we pick up all the notes and put them in the bag and off he goes, still keeping one eye on me at all times. Weird. Still, I didn't nick any notes, my mother would be proud of me and if karma exists I'll get my reward sometime. Hopefully in the form of a major lottery win allowing me to retire before I'm 30.




3.  The mini-hoodies

When I get home I decide to take the dog for a walk (preferably somewhere that no one will see me because I still can't smile or speak properly) so I bundle him into the car and set off to drive up to my parent's house so I can walk him in the valley. As I'm parked at some traffic lights near the library I have a look around and see two boys wearing hoodies and doing that chav swagger-walk along the road. They can only have been about 13. They stop by a wall that runs round a set of retirement flats, pull their hoods up over their faces and start jumping up and trying the reach up over the wall. By this time they've caught my attention and I'm curious to know what it is they're up to. So I carry on watching and eventually they manage to retreive their lost items, which as they turn round I can see are 2 smallish, shiny knives. Bless them, the funny little scrotes, they actually think people are going to be scared of a 4ft nothing streak of piss if it's armed with a fruit knife nicked out of it's mum's kitchen drawer. Awwwww. One of the wee buggers stuffs his knife down his trousers and I can't help wondering if it's been recently sharpened because if it has he stands a very real chance of amputating the family jewels shoving it about like that. Then one of them turns round and notices me watching. He alerts his friend and they stand there thinking for a moment. You can practically hear the cogs creaking in their heads as they try to figure out what to do. Eventually one comes up with a solution -  he gives me his best litle boy scowl and brandishes his fruit knife at my in what I presume he means to be a threatening manner. I counter by giving them both the full benefit of my best death stare combined with a truly fearsome anaesthetic-adjusted grimace. I must have looked very special indeed because the pair of them looked utterly terrified and legged it down the street at a pace an olympic sprinter would have been proud of. 

Yep, it was a funny old day all round.




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5 Responses

  1. I lead a dull life. I guess that injection was serendipity of sorts after all…

  2. I think you were living a Wagner opera…

  3. The worrying thing is that my world is quite often rather odd. I'm sure these things don't happen to other people.

  4. [esto es genial]

  5. Sounds like fun. You're doing better than me – I was riding on Monday and I ended up with the most god-awkward animal on the yard. He spent most of his evening pointing his backside towards the wall and refusing point blank to move. By the end of an hour I could have happily dismounted and kicked him in all 4 shins. Good luck for the weekend, hope it goes well.

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