Money saving solutions.

Britain is getting more and more expensive. In fact it's getting downright stupid. Today's marvellous announcement in the news comes from Centrica, some group that represent power companies, and their glad tidings report that gas bills could rise by up to 60% in the next couple of years. Happy days. Now taking into account the fact that they'll have announced a figure of 60% so that they can bring a lower rise without everyone going ballistic we can realistically expect a hike of at least 40%. Apparently it's all linked to the fact that oil is $140 dollars a barrel. Everything on earth seems to be linked to that. So, since everything is now so ridiculously pricey I'm going to have to come up with some money saving solutions. Here are my ideas:

1) Our house is new so the floor is concrete underneath the carpet. This means if I remove the carpet I can put an oil drum in there and make my own, 'urban log fire'. I prefer to think of it as an 'urban log fire' rather than 'tramp gathering point more usually found under derelict railway bridges'. The money saving potential has to be offset against the fact that I'll have to repaint the ceiling once a week and I also have to consider the fact that I may in fact asphyxiate us all since we don't have a chinmey. Perhaps we should just buy some new jumpers.

2) Baths – we are on metered water which is pricey and our water is heated by gas meaning a bath is soon going to be roughly the same price as a nigth in the royal box at the opera. The solution here is clear: Wait till I know my parents are going to be out then sneak round to theirs for a bath. They are on water rates so the extra water won't make a difference to their bill and it's heated by electricity. My mum may wonder why there's never any hot water when she gets in from work but she'll probably put it down to their crap water system which has been a bit shoddy for years. Further money can be saved by sticking my dinner in their oven while I'm in the bath and then taking it home with me when I leave. Lovely.

3) Holiday are going to be a thing of the past, what with the rising cost of living but you can make your own holiday right here at home. No need to shell out for an expensive ski trip – simply weld some little wheels to the bottom of a large tea tray and you have you own no-snow-needed snowboard. Take it along to your local golf club for all the thrills and spills of a ski holiday but for free. You might have to do it at night as the golfers are going to get pissed off after a while but tea-tray boarding by torchlight is even more exciting because you can't see the trees till you hit them. For a bit of apres-ski action, go down the pub. A marvellous sporting holiday for the price of a tea tray and some taxis to cart you around while your legs are in plaster.

4) Fake an illness or an accident. This will result in a lengthy stay in hospital which will save a small fortune in household bills. If I decide to implement the 'urban log fire' idea there is every chance that it won't even need to be faked.

5) Hire the dog out to the police. He's quite badly trained so he wouldn't be much use as a guard dog or attak dog but he's very good at barking at running people then attempting to get a mouthful of their tracksuit bottoms so he could be a very effective 'trip up criminals' dog.

6) Rent the shed out to an illegal immigrant.

That's all I can think of for now but the pile of work I have to do is REALLY dull so I'm going to spend this afternoon thinking of some more marvellous money saving plans. Any ideas gratefully received. 

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5 Responses

  1. Our politicians will be so pleased that you're using these tough times to institute some sound, level-headed solutions, instead of just sittiing around whinging like the rest of us. You're an inspiration to us all, truly. I'm off to buy me a dog….

  2. you can always sell a kidney on the black market as well!

  3. I don't know if it'll help, but I save money on doorbell batteries by simply getting up every few minutes to check to see if there's someone at the door.You're welcome 😉

  4. Smirk. Like it.

  5. I did think about that but I then I wondered what would happen if my remaining one failed. I'd have to buy another one and given inflation it would cost more than I sold the original one for so the cash gain could be short lived….Always one eye on the future me..which possibly explains why i keep bumping into things.

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