Russia – A little bit mental.

I've been trying to work out what the chuff is going on in Russia and why they are bombing the crap out of Georgia over some pisspot territory with fewer inhabitants than Milton Keynes and guess what? I still don't get it. So maybe it's down to the Russian leader. Russia has traditionally been run by barmpots, the kind of men that in this country would have been sitting around in a haze of Prozac and harmlessly weaving baskets in an institution somewhere, not stomping round Moscow with the big red nuclear button in one hand and their nuts in the other. Let's have a look at some of the ones I can remember as being interesting……



Nicholas II, last of the rather unfortunate Romanovs, a family mainly known for having huge palaces and getting themselves killed, 2 traditions that Nicholas managed to uphold. He appears to have been a fairly inoffensive bloke, if a little ineffectual but the interesting thing about him is that his wife was obsessed by Rasputin a big, grubby religious bloke who drank too much and classed bonking rich women as a vocation rather than a hobby. Quite how she thought haemophilia could be cured by allowing this alcoholic lunatic to take the piss and and annoy the Russian public is anyone's guess but she did. 



Lenin, started off quietly with some fine ideals about everyone being equal and living in a blissful communist world. Went a bit tits up when Communism began to unravel and he became infected with the Russian obsession for control. The instigator of the Russian secret police Lenin continued in fine mental-case fashion by bumping off the tsar and starting up 'terrors', a short little term for 'the mass extermination of anyone I think doesn't agree with me'.In short, started disappointingly but clearly got more impressively mad as he went along.



The mighty Stalin – a man who will forever be known not for the good things that he did for Russia (of which there were couple) but for the fact that he was a Grade A, double deluxe, king sized fruitbat. Truly mental. Stalin didn't just bump off those he thought didn't agree with him, he bumped off virtually everyone. Gays, gypsies, dissidents, the disabled, the mentally ill (ironic eh?), all were fair game. The creator of the world famous 'Labour Gulags' from which virtually no one emerged alive and that includes staff. Those that weren't killed off by the administration were more than likely to get carried off by disease or malnutrition as Russia was, to use a technical term, a piss poor shithole. Estimates for the number who died as a direct result of execution  and a result of poor administration leading to appalling social conditions range from 3 million to 60 million. Which I'm sure you'll agree is a triumph for statisticians, "Either the population of Manchester died or the population of the UK, we're not too sure which".



Ah Yeltsin. In days gone by he wouldn't have been leading the country, he'd have been dancing round the court in a harlequin costume, wearing a silly hat and getting kicked in the arse by the king. As long as Yeltsin was sitting in the Kremlin there was a Russian village somewhere missing it's idiot. Yeltsin's fondness for vodka led to some truly entertaining behaviour, who could forget the charming tv clip of him pinching the arse of a diplomat's wife then giggling like an errant schoolboy while she stood there, utterly thunderstruck? Or the clip of him dancing? Or indeed any of the clips of him as pissed as a newt doing something that presidents don't usually do? The good thing about Yeltsin being as pissed as he was is that he could never have started a nuclear war for the simple reason that he would never have been able to press the 'start' button. He did apparently order the invasion of Chechnya but I'm inclined to think that isn't what he was asking for, he was just slurring his words and someone misheard him. He was like your alcoholic great uncle that everyone in the family is slightly embarrassed by and is a shining example to lunatic alcoholic heads of state across the world.




 Putin. He wasn't born, he was created in a workshop somewhere out of bits of scrap metal and some rather dodgy old circuitboards. A man with less discernable sense of humour than a boiled cabbage, Putin made his early career in the KGB, which to be fair is not noted for its award winning stand up comedy team.  Russia had obviously decided that the 'comedy president' experiment hadn't been a huge success so went right down the other end of the scale by appointing Putin. Putin's Russia was not a good time to be a journalist, as they kept getting shot but according to Putin this was a coincidence and nothing at all to do with him. In another burst of coincidence anyone who disagreed with this view or tried to prove otherwise also ended up getting shot. What are the chances eh?



Russia's current president Dmitry Medvedev is the political equivilant of beige. Nondescript, boring and utterly devoid of anything noteworthy and this is for one very good reason – he isn't actually a person, he's a giant sock puppet being operated from behind by Putin who wasn't allowed another term because of the pesky rules. To be fair, he has engaged in a crazy fight with Georgia but this is only because Putin told him to. I suspect that poor old Dmitry still has to put his hand up in class and ask Putin if he go for a pee. 


So there we go, some of Russia's finest basket-cases of the last century. Given their fine history of oddballs things could go one fo two ways – either much hilarity and entertainment as we watch another Russian premier go spectacularly insane or world annihaliation as one of their ruling nutjobs finally hits the red button. Either way I think we can all agree that when it comes to picking mentally questionable leaders Russia is definitely setting the gold standard. 

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8 Responses

  1. That was absolutely brilliant! I think my utter favourite part of this was: As long as Yeltsin was sitting in the Kremlin there was a Russian village somewhere missing it's idiot.
    And couldn't agree with you more on Putin. His face is utterly impassive and devoid of any sense of warmth/humanity – he's got fish eyes – nothing behind them. God help the Russian people as the rate he's going he could be exactly where he is pulling all the strings for as long as he likes.

  2. Putin reminds me of a shark, utterly focused and armed with cold, dead eyes. I don't think he'll ever release power, they'll have to kill him first.

  3. [esto es genial]

  4. LOL! – sock puppet – heh hehmost Russian men in power are bullies – always have been – always will be – as long as their people are pushovers – and why would they be anything else – after centuries of being trampled on? – Russia wanted to set an example for any other former Soviet Republic which decides to get a little "uppity" – we'll squash you like a bug and enjoy doing it! – so THERE!

  5. After reading all these, I can't decide which we should put in the mag next month, they are all so great. I'm leaning towards the Russia diatribe. What do you think?

  6. Oh and I meant to ask–what about Gorbechov and Kruschev?

  7. Thanks! Put in whichever one you think people would like. You get feedback so you'll be more attuned to what people appreciate than me. I don't know very much about Gorbechov or Kruschev so I decided not to attempt them, rather than write something then get someone writing in to tell I'm an uneducated halfwit. People on the internet can sometimes get a bit shirty about mistakes made by other people.

  8. Kruschev was the premier during the time of the Russian missle crisis and Gorbachev took down the wall. (Which Ronald reagan got credit for convincing him to do, but that's total fantasy designed by conservatives.) Wikipedia is always a good resource for research, though not always completely accurate. .

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