The London Olympics – Let’s get involved!

Politicians, mainly the ones who are involved in this harebrained scheme, have been complaining that there are those in the provinces and indeed in the capital itself who are not showing the proper enthusiasm and reverence for the multi-billion pound scheme that is London’s 2012 Olympics. I say piffle, why would we up North possibly not think it’s a great idea when hurtling towards a recession to spend the price of 16 new hospitals on a fucking great stadium and some more London based attractions? As if! And just to prove my support for the idea, I’ve come up with some more ideas for sports ‘with a British theme’ that I think would make a charming addition to the Olympic schedule.



Chav Hunting

Fox hunting was a uniquely British pastime but was rightly banned because foxes have feelings too. So how about chav hunting? No one gives a shit about chavs, they are ten a penny, they smell funny and they aren’t cute and cuddly like foxes. Release a chav in Croyden, Salford or some other rathole and give it ten minutes to run. Then….RELEASE THE HOUNDS! Off go the horses, away go the dogs, feel the excitement and hear the hunting horn competing with the roar of horns from the knocked off Datsuns parked outside Lidl. See the Elizabeth Duke jewellery and fake china shepherdesses go flying as 15 hounds and 8 thoroughbreds pursue Jaydon through Kofi Annan House! The winner is the hunter that manages to get the chav in a headlock and remove its fake Rolex and dodgy Burberry cap.




Formation Pram Dancing

It’s a little bit like sychronised swimming but there’s no water and none of the competitors are more than 15 years old. See the sparkle as the sunlight hits the chrome of Kayleigh-Chantelle’s mock Burberry pram. So far Britain has excelled in this sport because it’s the only country with enough teenage mums to be able to be selective but my, the girls are good, you’ve not lived till you’ve seen their rear axle spin with double nappy reach. Occasionally there’s some rivalry but Aliisha is on a waiting list to have her front teeth replaced and I’m sure she didn’t mean to call Kaytee a slag. Their matching sparkly tracksuits and Rockports have been kindly donated by Jade Goody who was once herself chairman of the Pram Dancing Committee.  This year the team are expecting fierce competition from the Russians who are being sponsored by Roman Abramovich, a man who is living proof that Chavdom is not limited to the UK.




Fence Hurdling

For this sport the competitor loads up with stolen goods and then sets off across a set of surburban gardens, hurdling fences as they go, with a policeman giving chase. This sport has a handicap system, that is worked out using a complicated formula which plots BMI against years served inside, giving a figure in plasma screen TVs and portable electrical equipment. The winner is the thief that manages to get the most stolen gear over the finish line without getting tasered by a policeman.




Medal Winning Pickpocketing

This one is very simple. The world’s best competitive tea-leaves (that’s Cockney Rhyming slang for thieves, in case you don’t speak Londoner) are let loose in the Olympic Village towards the end of the games with the sole intention of lifting medals from the pockets of other athletes. The winner is of course the one who manages to get the most gold medals. Expect Michael Phelps to be looking very nervous during this event.


If anyone else has any ideas for sporting events then I’m sure the Olympic committee would love to hear them.  If any of them involve dropping Seb Coe out of a plane without any form of parachute I’m sure they’d be doubly excited, I know I would!

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4 Responses

  1. [esto es genial]

  2. Vicola- you've done it again! This is hilarious and oh, so damn smart and true! I love it! I know the Chinese woudl appreciate it, as so man y of them got absolutely nothing and wrose out of the Olympics being in their country. Can we use this one for the mag? Where did you get the photos? Are those public domain, or are they copyrighted?

  3. I live in Manchester and I don't work in a political arena so I can say with all honestly that I am not willing to pay extra money out of my income to regenerate the East End. Manchester has been repeatedly snubbed by the Londonistic swines who run this type of thing, well if our city isn't good enough for them then our money shouldn't be either. My brother lives in London and he is blazing about having to pay for the Olympics.

  4. Hi Patricia! Very kind of you to say so. You are more than welcome to use it for the mag. I got the photos by going on to Google and looking through images with headings like "foxhunting", "fence jumping", "chav mum" and "pickpocket". I don't know whether this means you can use the photos publicly or not I'm afriad. It's a good point actually, one day someone is going to sue me for stealing their images. On the bright side I'm completely broke so they won't get more than a tenner.

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