I’ve got a lot to get done in just one year.

It's my birthday. Woooooo. I'm stuck at work. Not wooooooo.

Today I'm 29. This means that next year I'll be 30 and as everyone knows, there are certain things you are supposed to have achieved by the time you're 30 to avoid becoming a loser, one of those people that no one wants to sit on a table with at family weddings who smells like a cross between cats and wee and who doesn't brush their hair. You know the type. It's a well known fact that if you can achieve all these social milestones you will be a bastion of happiness, taste, personal hygiene and contentment. So, how many of these milestones have I achieved?


Living with the person you want to settle down with.

Technically speaking I've lived with 2 people I fully intended to settle down with, 3 if you count the very brief sojourn on a canal boat with a chef I met on a train from London (not my finest hour, admittedly). The first one, Ben, I lived with for 2 years during my 2nd and 3rd year at uni and for a while afterwards. The second one I married and after 2 years am STILL married to (result!). So, I think I can definately tick that box. Good start.


Living in a nice house in an area you like.

Well I live in a house which when I can be arsed cleaning or tidying it is nice. I suspect it would be a whole lot nicer if I could afford a cleaner because after a full day at work I am ill inclined to spend my evening dusting and vacuuming. And let's face facts, I've always been a slovenly wench. So the house is good, I can tick that. The area, well, that's up for debate. I live in a semi detached and the Hell-Twins next door, who I think are about 4, spend all day bouncing each other off the interior walls. At least that's what I assume the little sods are doing because I can't think of anything else that would produce banging, crashing and screaming for 18 hours a day. When I went to my cousin Chris's house I looked out of his upstairs front window and looked over the fields of Cumbria. At Andrew's house I looked out of the upstairs front window and looked across a ploughed field down to the river Tweed and the ruins of Berwick Castle opposite. Last night I looked out of my upstairs front window and what did I see? The teenager in the house opposite was once again watching porn on his 42 inch bedroom TV and an exceedingly scruffy looking woman was walking an albino ferret round the car park on a lead. I'm not joking either. House is good but I think the location needs work.


Be financially solvent with plenty of savings.

I'm not even going to go there.


Drive a nice car.

I am perfectly happy with my Harlot Scarlet Ford Fiesta. Box ticked.


Have a good job that you enjoy and a career (if that is the path you have chosen).

Percentage breakdown of my day: 30% - Doing work that Mr Useless should be doing but has been deemed too stupid to complete successfully. 20% – Correcting things that Mr Useless has cocked up and taking irate phone calls from people whose day has been hijacked by Mr Useless's complete rubbishness. 30% - Doing stuff that is in my job description. 20% – Fannying about on the internet to avoid doing the really boring things that I am meant to be doing. I think the career/ job thing needs dealing with this year.


Have had your first child.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure children are a delight and all that but it isn't for me. You can't leave them in the house when you go to the pub, you can't put them in kennels when you go on holiday, you can't even have a lie-in anymore because for some weird reason kids get up stupidly early. They bring home such many and varied gifts as flu, gastroenteritus and art made form glitter and pasta which sheds all over your carpet. You are guaranteed to spend at least a week of your life sitting in various hospital departments while they get their bones/ nose reset after falling over/ getting run over/ falling out of trees. And they cost a FORTUNE. Especially if they're clever. You'd spend less money buying a Bugatti Veyron than bringing up a kid and a Bugatti is never going to give you nits.


So, all in all, I've ticked some boxes but a few still need some work before next year. I'm saving up for a detached house in the country and I've worked out that at my crrent rate of saving it should only take me 563 years to reach my goal. Never mind, one step at a time, eh? 



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12 Responses

  1. Happy Birthday!!!! Hope it isn't too painful at work for you today!!
    You sound like you've achieved a bunch of things that you 'should've' achieved by now.
    As for the country pile – you never, you might win it big on the lottery!

  2. Cheers Bobbie! I did think about the lottery but I bought 2 tickets and failed to win 42 million pounds so gave it up as a waste of time! Hope you had a good day yesterday!!

  3. Happy Birthday to you! Hope they are nice to you are work today….. LOL your neighbourhood – it could be worse – it could be like mine! 🙂 This post was really enjoyable reading.

  4. Cheers! I haven't told anyone at work it's my birthday because otherwise they'd figure out that I was lying when I claim I have a meeting in 10 minutes and disappear.Your neighbourhood does indeed sound delightful. I'll take your drug dealer across the street and raise you the guy next door who was growing skunk in his loft space and whose wife used Avon products as a cover for selling it door to door. My neighbourhood sucks. My mum and dad live in the same town but up the posh end and it's like a different town!

  5. [esto es genial]

  6. Well, I have the White House in my town! La-de-da LOL. There is a lot to that expression the "other side of the tracks" – I used to live on the other side of the park and it was posh. But, posh can be sterile …..

  7. As everyone knows, it's the thought that counts. And now I'm thinking about cake…..

  8. One thing about slightly dodgy neighbbourhoods is that there is always something happening. It may be something good but it'll be something!

  9. Happy belated birthday!!!And HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAWell..Ive cocked things up a bit then..apart from the kids (x4)….Turning 30 was one of the best things that has happened to me in recent years. Apart from beginnig to actually look my age rather than getting asked for Id all the time…..oh to be asked for Id…

  10. I got asked for ID in Asda while buying wine the other week. It was the first time in about 7 years and I could have hugged the checkout woman! That's quite sad isn't it?

  11. No babe. That's not sad. Putting your passport in your pocket for easy access 'just in case' is mighty sad. Not that Ive done that right?

  12. Happy Belated Birthday. I'm sorry I missed this post. You know, kid, you're doing great. As you can tell, from the commentary you made on my choice of husband when I was not much younger than you are now, you're doing a hell of a lot better than I was at your age. . And I think I'm kinda okay now. So you've got an even greater chance. good luck. (BTW- seriously? Each decade just gets better and better)

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