Football is utterly ridiculous.

This young gentleman is Kaka. No idea what his first name is because I've never heard anyone use it. For anyone who doesn't know who he is, he is a Brazilian chap who plays football for AC Milan and his proposed transfer sums up perfectly what is so very wrong with English Premiership football.

The UK is in recession, whichever way you look at it we are suffering what you might call a 'temporary financial embarrassment' and our government has not helped by spending everything that was in the treasury and then a whole lot more besides. Companies are going to the wall daily with the loss of thousands of jobs and the banks won't help struggling businesses by extending loans or offering new ones.

In this atmosphere of financial gloom what are Manchester City's new Arab onwers doing to show that they empathise with the Brits and understand the pain that many of their club's supporters are going through? Are they offering assistance to local businesses? Nope. Are they investing in the local area (which is fucking rough I can tell you)? Nope. They are offering AC Milan the princely sum (and I use the term literally) of £100m for the young man pictured above. For anyone who'd like to see that amount in figures it is £100,000,000. For anyone lving abroad it is US$146,713,615 or Aus$218,207,159. Has he discovered the secret of world peace and the cure for all cancers? Nope, he kicks a leather windbag around a field with a few other blokes once a week and occasionally makes the wind bag go into the net at the end of the field. How very earth-shattering.

So what will Mr Kaka receive in wages? I shall tell you – £500,000 PER WEEK. Per fucking week. For anyone who is still reading this little sports-based rant that is US$733,568 or Aus$1,091,0355 per fucking week. Utter madness. I don't blame Kaka for this, if someone were to offer me that much money for that much work I'd bite their hand off. No, the fault lies with the FA (Football Association) who won't cap wages or transfer fees and the foreigners who have decided that an English Premiership club is the latest accessory so are snapping them up and pouring obscene amounts of money to try and buy themselves the Premiership title. Can you imagine what you could do with £100m in a deprived area of Manchester? You could build a couple of hospitals or schools, invest in some local businesses that are struggling, create some new facilities for local kids to give them something to do that isn't getting pissed and knifing each other. Or you could buy one young man who'll probably wreck his cruciate ligament in the first 4 months of play and never come off the bench again. Good decision there my princely Arab friends. Not.

Do these people not realise that they are messing with natural selection?


I mean look at Manchester United's Ronaldo. He earns approximately £125,000 a week (which is US$264,084 or Aus$392,772) and this enabled him to buy a huge, powerful, expensive Ferrari which he promptly wrote off after 2 days of ownership. Clearly the many dials and buttons on the dashboard were too much for Mr Ronaldo's lonely brain cell to deal with and it went into meltdown, leaving him incapable of working out how to drive in a straight line and how not to hit the wall on a perfectly straight road. In the olden days natural selection worked by ensuring that stupid people couldn't get a vastly ridiculous salary and therefore couldn't afford to buy big, complicated machines capable of doing huge damage to themselves and others. Football has messed with this delicate balance leaving us all vulnerable to being rear ended by a halfwit driving a car more powerful than the Sellafield nuclear plant and more expensive than our house. Can you imagine the children when he inevitably (and briefly) marries a tan-tastic glamour model whose major ambition in life is to get on Celebrity Big Brother? Frightening.

So in short the English Premiership is now a joke, no longer a sport but the tame plaything of rich oligarchs and royals in far flung corners of the world, who buy up clubs for the price of a city and render the youth training programmes pointless as the youths coming up through them will never get to play on the first team. Doesn't bode well for the future of England's national side does it? With any luck it'll push people towards the financially disadvantaged lower league clubs which still have local players, local fans and a dodgy pie available at half time for less than a fiver. It's time for the rise of the little club, the likes of Bury FC. Premiership my backside, league two is where it's at!  

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15 Responses

  1. Doesn't KaKa mean poo!?

  2. If you consider sports as entertainment and
    compare some of these numbers to what actors or musicians make it's all about
    the same. Are you telling me Tom Cruise deserves 20M up front for standing
    around playing dress up and acting like a douche bag for a couple of months? Or
    that Amy Winehouse deserves any recompense for her out of tune warbling and
    stumble bumming around?

    The opiate of the masses is currently sports, reality television, and gossip
    rags and anyone who can be unique and excel in those environments is getting
    rewarded completely out of proportion with their actual worth to society.
    Unless you consider an opiated populace worthwhile and crucial. How else would people accept
    some of the crap our two governments have gotten away with in the last ten
    years? It’s all coming home to roost though. Maybe Kaka will buy a bunch of
    material goods and jump start the economy.

  3. Blame the working class. Their obsession with balls is responsible for all this insanity.

  4. [esto es genial]

  5. um – geez – what an unfortunate name sports players' salaries – a constant rant from me to my husband (which he always ignores)i would like to say, thank you – and i'm totally with you, Vicola

  6. Totally agree – and you have a wonderful way with words. LOL @ tan-tastic glamour model! And the one brain cell comment! Fabulous!

  7. I thought that as well. I'm fairly sure my cousin Simon told me that kaka is crap in French.

  8. Tom Cruise frankly doesn't deserve minimum wage in my world, he's a jumped up lunatic with delusions of grandeur. And I'm no fan of Winehouse either. She's got some talent that could really get her somewhere but instead of using it she's spending her life propping up the drinks industry and shovelling the Bolivian marching candy up her snout as fast as she can procure it.
    Apparently, so it said on the news last night, Kaka is in the god squad so you never know, he may not spend his squillions on girls with plastic tits and enormous cars, he might actually do something worthy with it. Of he might just hand it lal over to the church to, I dunno, buy some more candles or a new popemobile or something. Should be interesting to watch either way.

  9. I was under the impression that most men had an obsession with balls. I know I've had to tell the other half off several times for fiddling with his while I'm trying to talk to him.

  10. I think you should do your rant anyway, you can get so much more vitriol into a spoken rant than a written one! And these sums of money are stupid. Forever more it is just going to be Arsenal, Liverpool, Man Utd, Chelsea and City battling at the top, no one else will ever get a look in. Unless of course an Arab sheik suddenly decides they want Wigan. And that's not likely.

  11. It just really annoys me because all these people do is hit a ball about, it's really not anythign startlingly important. Sure, it matters to some people but it mattered to some people back in the days of the Busby Babes, the 50s, and the players were on ordinary salaries back then, decent money but comparable with that of the ordinary working man. I just don't think there's any need for these vast sums of money to change hands, that money could be used by clubs to give something back to the local area, rather than just make a few prima donnas and a foreign owner even more stinking rich that they were last week.

  12. They almost all do it, start their football career dating an ordinary girl that they've known for years and then as soon as they become hot property they ditch the girl and replace her with a glamour model whose brain cells could be counted on the fingers of one hand but who has a stratospheric plastic chest, an orange tan and an eating disorder. Ridiculous.

  13. they should put a community service clause in or something – once you get past a certain pay – some percentage – and doing the actual community service, not just putting money towards it – ah – wishful thinking

  14. That's a really good idea! I'm surprised no one has come up with it before. A few of them do good works, Rio Ferdinand does a bit and I know the Beckhams do a lot of charity work. However there will always be the massively paid ejjits who just spend it all on material crap and the latest botox injections for whatever vapid beauty they're currently dating. And the nasty little thugs like Joey Barton who has been in the dock more often than I've been in the office.

  15. On good form there, Vicola, and hitting the bullseye with err… both barrels! Come on Forest! 😉

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