Swine Flu – I’m ready….

Swine flu – it's all the papers and the radio are full of at the moment. Apparently our government is 'fully prepared' for the outbreak, which as anyone who has lived here for any length of time can tell you is government speak for 'We're utterly fucked'. Since apparently most people in the world are going to die from pig flu because unlike bird flu you don't actually have to sleep with a chicken over a prolonged period in order to catch it, I thought I'd better be prepared for what might happen. So, I sat down to watch the very informative documentary on this subject, "28 Days Later". Although that appeared to be monkey virus, I'm quite sure that the basic principle is the same. Being ahead of the game I know where this is going and am utterly disgusted that the government has not highlighted the upcoming problem of zombies taking over our streets. Now I realise that they are possibly less destructive and more sociable than most British teenagers but I still think a little warning might not have gone amiss. Since the government are being no help whatsoever and are merely going to post us all a leaflet telling us how not to catch flu, I thought I'd make my own plans.

  • I am converting the cupboard under the stairs into a hiding place. I have begun tunnelling into the foundations of the house to make a bigger space as it was a bit cramped with me, the other half and the dog in there, plus 3000 tins of baked beans, a storage tank of water and 2000 bars of soap. There's no need to let hygiene standards slip merely because we are having a crisis. On reflection the beans might not have been the wisest food choice, given the size of our new accomodation but they may have the added bonus of discouraging curious zombies from investigating the cupboard.
  • I have bought 52 packs of barbecue kebab sticks and am sharpening them using my pencil sharpener. Everyone knows that zombies cannot survive a wooden stake through the heart so my kebab sticks will prove an efficient yet cost effective way of dealing with intruders. I originally purchased a sling-shot for firing them but in these days of rising obesity I'm not convinced that this is going to be enough so am scouring Ebay for a second hand harpoon which I will customise to fire the sticks. I may buy a second harpoon that can fire washing-line props for the really morbidly obese zombie.
  • I am training the dog to attack anyone who looks a bit 'undead'. So far he has attacked 2 drunks, the man across the road who works night shifts and a bramble bush but I'm sure he'll get the hang of it eventually.

So as you can see, I have things under control and am ready for the coming apocalypse. Not sure what I'm going to do with 3000 tins of economy brand beans if this all does come to nothing and the dead do not rise up and attack but I'm sure I'll think of something, And a harpoon that fires kebab sticks will always be useful.

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12 Responses

  1. {this is great!} All wise choices my dear. And I feel it's my duty to feature this one on HS so that many can benefit from your wise advice!!!

  2. HAHAHA!!! Awesome!

  3. Awesome. I am a fan of both 28 Days and 28 Weeks. Both brilliant films, and both evidence that you should never fuck with nature as it has a habit of destroying you in the most ironic ways.
    Swine flu. It's like an episode of scooby doo! "You swines! I would've gotten away with it if it wasn't for your pesky vaccines" – mind you, speaking of the vaccines, it made me laugh (on the news which usually does make me laugh). They showed a warehouse of stockpiled drugs which apparently we've been preparing for years. However the useby dates on these said drugs (which if I am not mistaken is pretty much their usefulness period) was 2010 some time. Latest statistics for the swine flu is that we're going to have a rain free summer and a flu-free summer. The winter however is going to be when it takes hold. Now winter stretches into 2010 according to the seasonal rota, which means surely the vaccines will be ineffective and we will all become zombies as you so rightly pointed out.
    Right, I'm up for this. I'm going to save my son's nappies (some of which stink more than I can put into words, others are heavier than an olympic hammer) and will safeguard my family's life with them. I might even get one over on that fucking cat at the same time.
    Oh shit. I just sneezed. I must have swine flu.

  4. [esto es genial]

  5. Just one suggestion, Vicola. After a month in the cupboard on a baked beans diet, you could also be energy self sufficient. Better still, light up a fag and blow the zombies to kingdom come, or wherever it is zombies are blown to.

  6. Just save your 3000 cans of beans and your cupboards polluted atmosphere for the next event….it won't be long given that this is following hot on the heels of SARS and chicken flu. And I am reassured to know that Australia is not at risk because one of our politicians told me so…..you see we don't have any direct flights from Mexico. Just so long as PeteGraham does not come and sneeze on me;-)

  7. My application for visa will be being submitted forthwith. I'll make sure I'm over it before I arrive though. And clean socks too – in case the nice drugs people want to hoover my feet again.

  8. Just send your visa application to me….trust me I'll be your agent;-)I got "hoovered" on a domestic flight last week for explosives, so I don't like your chances of getting in without being vacuumed. Nice story in the news this morning about a human passing on the 'flu to pigs somewhere. Now aint that retribution.Sorry Vicola, I am polluting your blog with unnecessary crap.

  9. Ha – that leaves one thing left unexplained, why with our huge populations of pit bulls where I live, why do we have so many zombies running around? I guess they haven't been trained properly. Thanks for the idea….

  10. This is TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE advice Vicola! First of all I am shocked to see that all yor readers are obviously already infected or in any case should be infected if only to rid the world of their movie-challenged DNA.

    Zombies are NEVER killed by small stakes through the heart! That's Vampires and in some cases it doesn't even actually permanently kill them. Zombies are ONLY killed by total removal/explosion/disintegration of the head.

    So yeah. I have to lodge this complaint. Good one on making sure all the low IQ people get eaten though…it's what the world needs really. Now excuse me while I go create the next batch of mosquito-flu.

  11. Shit, you mean I've spent weeks sharpening nearly 4000 cocktail sticks for no reason at all? Hellfire. Now I'm going to have to concentrate my efforts on filing the edges of the garden spade until it can cut through a zombie's neck like a well sharpened spade through butter. I might keep the cocktail sticks though, just in case the vampires arrive with the zombies. You can't be too careful….

  12. Anopheles are bound to be plentiful in the wake of all the floating corpses in the Thames so I guess it's all been worthwile after all.

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