For the love of god, what next?

You know when you have one of those weeks that is just a complete and utter bloody shambles from start to finish? Well I'm having one now. Here are some of the things that have gone tits skyward this week:

1) The washing machine:  a little while ago we started noticing that wet patches were appearing on the edge of the dining room carpet. After eliminating the dog from our enquiries (in a charming process that involved sniffing the offending wet patch to check whether it smelled of dog piss) we decided that the likely culprit was the washing machine. After ignoring the problem for a week or so we lifted the soggy edged carpet in order to replace it (didn't think potential house buyers would be attracted by wet carpet and the smell of damp fabric) but didn't bother lifting the lino in the kitchen. Yesterday the other half decided to take up the kitchen flooring just to check what condition the floor was in underneath it. It would be fair to say that the problem was slightly more extensive than we expected, in the same way that the Titanic was slightly more extensive than an inflatable dinghy. When I removed all the cleaning products and miscellaneous crap that lives under the sink so that we could investigate the pipe connections a further delight awaited me – a family of largish slugs has taken up residence in the cupbaord. Beautiful. My house has been on the market for all of 5 days and now it has an infestation and a bare concrete floor attractively adorned with puddles of standing water and the smell of ancient lino. What housebuyer could ask for more?

2) Inlaws – Last weekend the other half's father and his monosyllabic wife came to stay for the weekend. His dad is a nice chap but at the end of a full week of work you can't really be arsed with visitors over the whole weekend because you get no time to wind down. This is unfortunate because last night his mother announced that she and her busband will be arriving at Casa Disaster tomorrow afternoon. Oh happy days. 2 weekends on the trot of bog all relaxation and this one will involve no sleep as well since her husband has a snore that registers on the Richter scale. Seriously, as you sit there at 4am, staring at the ceiling and marvelling at how the noise seems just as loud through the earplugs that you pinched from work, you can dimly hear the dog shifting about and wimpering because he can't sleep through it either. I can see why people turn to drugs and will this evening be studying the internet to discover exactly how many sleeping tablets you can take before you risk inducing a permanent coma.

3) The computer is fucked. It keeps losing internet connection and crashing. Which coincidentally is something it has in common with my phone that most usefully seems to have stopped receiving calls or texts. Handy eh? If I'd wanted to pay £30 a month for a piece of interestingly shaped plastic I'd have gone to a modern art gallery, not bought a shagging phone. Any minute now I'm going to launch the crappy thing put of the window and kick the computer to pieces.

I am literally one more mini-disaster away from utter meltdown so if you hear the sounds of a distant explosion then don't panic, it's just me losing my temper, nothing to worry about. 

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18 Responses

  1. ugh…… I am so sorry…

  2. Cheer up. It could be worse. I'm not sure how, but thought you'd like to hear that, anyway.

  3. LOL @ If I'd wanted to pay £30 a month for a piece of interestingly shaped plastic I'd have gone to a modern art gallery,Wow – everything sucks for you right now – but it could suck on an even larger level. (seriously, it could!)

  4. Cheers! These things are sent to try us…

  5. Interestingly you're right. This morning I opened a cupboard and the horribly expensive lemon infused olive oil fell out and smashed on the bare concrete. Then I trod in the same glass of orange juice twice and left the house only to discover that the motorway was blocked and it'd take me hours to get to work. And it's only twenty past eight in the morning, who knows what myriad delights await for the rest of the day……

  6. True. it's the thought of a second weekend in a row with the inlaws, it puts me in a pessimistic frame of mind!

  7. I think I know why I so enjoy reading your blog, Vicola. I just feel so much better afterwards… ;o) Hope the rest of the day improved.

  8. In a case like this, alcohol is the only answer. Start Saturday morning and don't let up till Sunday when your guests leave… Cheers, Vicola!

  9. Remember my offer of plumbing services? I'm also a fully trained and non-PC World Rip-Off style technician. Mail me your problems, and by return you'll get solutions. It's what I do. I can't get rid of in-laws though. Not for want of trying.

  10. I am a great believer in the therapeutic value of small personal explosive devices although I have had trouble recently finding any at K mart.Available in different sizes, for washing machines, computers and phones, it terminates the problem and leaves a nice refreshing smell of gunpowder in the air.This does not however leave you will a legal solution to the problem of relatives.But next week can only be better 😉

  11. well i'm on vacation for two weeks on the gulf, c'mon by and i'll teach you how to talk to dolphins

  12. Surely "small personal explosive devices" would be personal enough to deal with even the most persistent of inlaws? I'm not too sure about the refreshing smell left behind afterward though – perhaps nauseating would be more appropriate. I love the smell of gunpowder in the morning, but entrails leave a lot to be desired.

  13. That is pretty much the tactic I went with and fortunately everyone else was also pissed so missed my comment about the Step-father in law sitting on his arse all night like a 'plastered Jabba the Hut issuing orders'. Which is probably for the best….

  14. They're a nightmare. Note to self – if I ever marry again, ensure it is to someone who has absolutely no family and was brought up by wolves rather than other people. Thanks for the offer of rip-off style technical services, most kind. The bloody IT department caused the problem by installing some sort of anti-virus nonsense, it worked ok before that, now it crashes all the time and keeps posting some stupid message up about symantec having performed something or other. Bloody technology.

  15. Surely, SURELY someone has come up with the 'exploding inlaw', a personal explosive device large enough to blow up the whining bastard who has sat on his arse all night whinging that his glass is empty without ever once getting off his behind to fill it himself but specific enough not to leave scorchmarks on your soft furnishings?

  16. Aha! You should be in IT!! The software they installed is the root of all evil. Gerritoff! There's nothing wrong with the basic AVG stuff.
    And for the record, the Jabba the Hut comment most definitely was NOT unappreciated. Perhaps by the drunken family, but not by us voxers! 😀

  17. I'm nearly there Vicola…..just one more field test on my son in law, and if theres no damage to the lounge chair, I'll send you a dozen under plain wrapper.

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