This week – legendarily bad.

I've just noticed that I've been away from here for quite a while. That's because I went to Perpignan for week and was going to tell all the lucky people out there about my holiday but then this week happened and it all went out of the window. This time last week I'd just got back from holiday but it feels like about 4 million years ago. So, what went tits up this week? I'll tell you….

Swine Flu

Up until Monday our office had managed to remain swine flu free. An estimator had had a suspected case but had stayed at home and all had been well. N, my colleague who is 2 offices down from me had just got back from Spainand was on his first day back. As I walked past, he was sat at his desk coughing, looking like 17 different shades of shit and sweating like a cheese in the sunshine. As I walk past he informs me that his daughter has just got over swine flu and he thinks he might have it because he feels really ill and woke up in the night with a raging temperature. WHAT? And despite this you brought your germ ridden arse into the office to share your vile plague with the rest of us? Are you fucking nuts? Don't get me wrong, I'm as against skiving as the next person but for fuck's sakes, if you've got the goddamed plague stay at home you gormless pillock because I've no wish to get it. At 11am he decided that he had to go home and proceeded to cough all over his hands then leave the office, touching every doorrelease button and door handle on the way out. Well done that man, clearly cross-infection is a term he is not familiar with. I spent the rest of the day opening doors with my sleeve over my hand and trying not to breathe in as I walked past his office. Bloody plague-carrier. In the middle ages prats like him were responsible for wiping out entire villages and if I now get swine flu I'm going to make it my personal mission to piss on the rest of his year.

Exam

The main problem with N being off work is that I then got the urgent bits of his work to deal with, including the preparation for the massive site audit that his site had on Thursday. Normally this wouldn't have been a problem but I'd remembered at the weekend that I had an exam this morning and so had been planning to spend the week doing fuck all work, just reading the earth-shatteringly dull file on 'Environmental management' that I needed for the exam. Let's just say that my revision was minimal. So I get to this morning and start looking up bits and pieces ready for the exam that starts at noon, in the hope that the extra 3 hours of revision before the exam will get me through. Only the computer screen freezes up completely. So I get the IT department out to tel me why, expectnig it to be just  little problem,only it's not, the problem is that the hard drive is, to use a technical term, utterly fucked. And my password and login to access the exam that I now can't get at is stored in an email I now can't read. Splendid. Just what I needed. The IT guy scrabbles around for a while and eventually manages toget me the laptop that I'm typing this on, the oldest, slowest, grubbiest laptop I've ever seen. Seriously, each key is grey with dirt except for a little black bit on the top where fingers have hit them and you have to very carefully and very firmly press each key in order to make it function. The space bar only works sporadically. The M key has to be hit with the force usually used to remove the eyes of assailants in order to use it and Microsoft Explorer keeps experiencing a problem and having to close. 

On the plus side, a friend of mine has just bought the house that a little while ago me and Mr Vicola were looking at.His surveyor has come up with a couple more problems than we spotted, such as the fact that the front and back elevations need rebuilding, the roof is buggered and the granny flat/ extension breaches a covenant in the deeds and will most likely have to be flattened. As well as the fact that the most effective way of dealing with the interior would be to use napalm and then rebuild. 2 words – lucky escape. Perhaps there is someone looking out for me up there after all…. 

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10 Responses

  1. [esto es genial]

  2. I've missed your usual humour and banter, Vicola. I would say it's nice to have you back but in this instance, I think I wish you were back in Perpignon. Not because I don't want to hear from you, but because even though you and Mr Vicola are just back from a break, you deserve another.With any luck your company has had the foresight to store your emails on a central server. Usually this means that when you log on to a new or repaired PC, you get your emails as if you'd never been away. Fingers crossed on that score, and if not, my consultation fees are very reasonable – please pass on to your boss. ;)All that said, welcome back and fingers crossed that you can grab next week by the throat and kick it in the bollocks until it cries.

  3. At my workplace, we are under strict orders to NOT come into work if we feel even the slightest bit "fluish."Usually I'd be concerned over a state-wide memo like that being released, because it opens the doors for all sorts of slackerism. In this case it hasn't. Only one person took off because of feeling ill … and then everyone else bitched about it. When I commented that she was doing the right thing, I was treated as if I'd cursed the Pope!As to the other – it ALWAYS seems that the first week back from a vacation makes all the time off seem useless.Oh, and I enjoy reading your blogs because I learn all sorts of new colorful language to confound my coworkers with!

  4. I agree with GOM….enjoy your innovative use of language.

    "to use napalm"
    I knew toys like that would eventually be useful.

    Any chance of your Govt looking favourably on the introduction of
    mandatory stoning for those who you have deemed to have appeared at work in a
    diseased condition?

  5. I always favoured home made napalm with petrol (4 star preferrably, this unleaded crap is so watered down) and polystyrene. Melt polystyrene into the fuel and the resultant goop burns for hours. Now where's that bloody cat. C'mere….

  6. No one minds the plague carrier that stays at home, that is the considerate thing to do. This office is full of germ-martyrs, the assholes that drag their sorry arses into the office despite the fact that they are riddled with plague and then proceed t cough pathetically all around the office in an attempt to get sympathy from colleagues. Never works, all you want to do is kill them because you know full well that you're going to get it too. I got no fewer than 3 colds last year from the vile fridge witch, the evil cow. If I ever get bubonic plague then Iwill make it my last mission to cough all over her desk and ensure she's infected.

  7. Ah this week is indeed starting very well, with the alarm failing to go off and a letter from my employers landing on the doorstep and informing me that due to the current economic climate and reduction in client sprnd on anticipated projects plus the rate of inflation blah blah blah blah you lot aren't getting pay rises this year. So I am now a professionally qualified advisor earning only fractionally more than I would be if I scanned in stuff at Tesco full time. Nice eh?

  8. For some reason,no matter how ill the other person is, there will always be a group of witches in the office who begrudge them having any time off. It's bizarre because you'd think they'd be glad they weren't being exposed to something unpleasant but instead they can't get past their jealousy that someone else has some time off that they don't have. Weirdos.
    And I've learned a brand new word this morning – cockgoblin. It's marvellous, expect to see it a lot in the coming weeks…

  9. Our government doesn't look favourably on anything unless it is likely to bring them more votes or more money so unless they can' wangle an advantage out of the manadatory stoning of those who wilfully infect their colleagues then I don't think it'll be coming in. Unless of course swine flu hits Westminster, in which case we can expect a new law to arrive that permits MPs to stone their co-workers to death but not the rest of us.

  10. I learned many things as a young boy. There were various places on the innernets where I picked up skills which I thought could maybe of some use through life – such as home-made thermite. Slightly better than napalm in that should some twat cut you up and steal a parking space from you, he could return to his car finding that thermite had been placed on his bonnet and lit, burning through the bonnet, engine block, sump and coming to rest deep in the concrete beneath his car. Not had cause to use that one…yet…Regarding the pay freeze though, we had this 6 months ago and were told it would be reassessed in July. Reassessed it has been and a pay freeze has been implemented. I'm earning somewhere near the same as you if you are comparable to a full time Tesco employee, and actually may end up working there if my redundancy comes to fruition.

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