Optimist of the week – or possibly the year.

In a slight deviation from the usual 'Wanker of the Week', today I thought I'd venture into new territory and explore the sparkly, happy territory of the terminally optimistic, the folk who despite the fact that the waters of shit creek are up to their knees and rising fast, refuse to break out the canoe and man the oars because hey, things really aren't that bad are they?

And so I bring you:


Baroness Ford, the woman in charge of 'The legacy of the 2012 London Olympics', a job equal in stature and prospects as that of Gordon Brown's PR manager and Cherie Blair's wardrobe assistant. By rights she should be milking her expenses in anticipation of being unceremoniously fired when it inevitably turns out that £9bn of tax payers money has been pissed up the wall and we've been left with a fortnight's worth of boring athletics and a large yet useless stadium, a la 'Millenium Dome', however the Baroness has chosen to go down the route of blind optimism leaving me unable to decide whether she's a naturally sunny individual or a halfwit.

Apparently we were always going to be left with a 'world class stadium' but what she has done is 'opened the book around the other kind of value we can add to this stadium'. Nope. I've no idea what she's on about either.

The stadium was going to be scaled down from 80,000 to 25,000 seats after the games but the Baroness, in conjunction with Tessa Jowell (who holds the prestigious title of Olympics Minister and who is clearly depriving a village somewhere of its idiot as long as she remains in Westminster) have decided that the stadium should remain inordinately large in case 'we win the world cup bid'. Marvellous thinking ladies, I shall be stocking up on 12 ft chandeliers and butlers in case 'I win the Euromillions'. According to the Baroness 'Tessa and I agree that it is more important that we have a stadium built as an attraction'. Now leaving aside the fact that if Tessa Jowell agreed it was a good idea it's a fair sign that it's a shit idea, a stadium isn't an attraction in itself unless is is 2000 years old. People don't visit Old Trafford because they like a big round building with some seats inside, they come because they are interested in Manchester United. A concept that has gone flying past Tessa and the Baroness like an Aston Martin overtaking a Robin Reliant.

She would also like to create a permanent Olympic museum with a sporting hall of fame, an idea that is wildly optimistic given that we are absolutely shite at sport, or at the sports anyone gives a toss about anyway. We do ok in the equestrian events and the sailing, the ones that no one who doesn't ride or sail can name a single competitor in. Occasionally we have a decent swimmer but we're going to struggle to fill a whole Hall of Fame with 3 people. Oh, and I think we might be ok at cycling. Hardly a display of gargantuan sporting prowess.

I think however that my personal favourite comment from the Baroness would be her thoughts on the future of the Olympic park, "I think it will become a bit like Central Park in New York – beloved of New Yorkers but also a fantastic magnet for visitors to the city". Absolutely, I can see everyone in London trailing themselves to the arsehole of the East End in order to sit in a park overshadowed by a socking great stadium, which will no doubt be unused and crumbling as no one in business (the people they are hoping will take on this place when the games are finished) really requires an 80,000 seater stadium. After all, there's a reason why offices have roofs and what the hell else can you do with an 80,000 stadium other than kit it out with phones use it as an al-fresco call centre? Central Park is popular because it is, erm, Central. And it's huge. And it's the only decent sized green space in the city. It's also not managed by a British local authority which means it has facilities that work and isn't knee deep in litter, dog shit and park keepers who bollock you if you have a camera in your hand on the off chance that you might be a pervert.  

So, Baroness Ford, optimist with flair and vision or overpaid halfwit who has been put in charge of a giant white elephant because no one else was willing to pick up the poisoned chalice? You decide….. 

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16 Responses

  1. Y'know, that's almost enough to make one feel optimistic about our lot. Almost…

  2. Thank you (I think) for introducing me to the Baroness and Tessa.

  3. hey,alot of people are counting on 2012 to be a rebirth of freedom[including getting rid of the marxist obama] those olympic's need to be everything they can possibly be,i'll send you a check for $20 bucks next week,build build build!!!!!!!!!

  4. Given our government's history of building stuff, including the Millenium Dome and Wembley Stadium, we can confidently expect the Olympics to come in over time and vastly over budget. I've no idea why they cannot project manage a building scheme but for some reason they just can't.

  5. At least we've found one use for Tessa and the Baroness then.

  6. [esto es genial]

  7. History has shown that the cities that host the Olympics end up riddled with debt and yet the competition to be the host is treated as a prized jewel. I've never understood that.And yes, when I finally get to take my world tour and go to England for a visit I know I'll be skipping the Tower of London, Buckingham Palace, and all those other places that are steeped in centuries worth of history so I can go look at a stadium …

  8. I'm glad you mentioned the Dome and Wembley Stadium. It will be over budget and late spend and the opening ceremony is bound to be rubbish compared to everyone else's but there is a part of me that is still looking forward to being in London when it is on.Oh and the museum/attraction idea for the stadium has anyone been to the Olympic stadium in Barcelona when they've visited or the one in Athens? Nah didn't think so. The only long term benefits are usually infrastructure but Stratford already has a good train service and unless they can persuade the Eurostar to stop there.

  9. Indeed. It's a well known fact that travellers struggle to find anything to occupy them in London and so will queuing round the block to look at a large building with 80 thousand seats in. I've been to Barcelona and Athens and have never seen the Olmpic venues. I did see the Barcelona football team's ground but that's because I was dragged there by the other half who admires the Barcelona team greatly.

  10. I genuinely don't understand why cities bid for it, as you say, it's legendarily bad for the finances. It would be far better if a country were to bid, rather than a city. Most countries have enough venues for various sports to be able to put together a games, for example Manchester has a world class velodrome and swimming facilities, Wales has an amazing stadium with a sliding roof that could be used for hockey and football, Oxford and Cambridge both have rowing facilities, the Badminton horse trials venue could be used for the equestrian events etc. Not only would this cut the cost hugely but it would also spread the disruption across the country, meaning that London would not be brought to an utter standstill for 3 weeks by a load of tourists. And the tickets are going to be hugely expensive, they are now saying that the £30 tickets that they said would be available, won't, so lord knows what they are actually going to cost. I've heard that most of the tickets for the popular events are being given to corporate sponsors so the ordinary Londoner won't get to see any of the sport anyway.

  11. Not to mention the fact that during the entire olympic palaver, it will undoubtedly piss down thus spoiling any event that isn't water based. We'd be as well to leave any sliding roofs shut anyway, because if it's not already lashing down, there will be pigeon shit everywhere because we're infested with the flying rats.Ah bollocks. 2012 can go screw itself.

  12. Damn right. You're not going to get a hotel room for less than a grand and the idea of tickets that ordinary people can buy has been scrapped in favour of trying to claw back money by charging ludicrous ticket prices. However I'd like to see the Olympics go tits up for one very specific reason – I would really really love to see that odious little cockgoblin 'Lord' Seb Coe get egg all over his hideously smug face.

  13. I'm with you a thousand percent there, however are you sure that's egg? eww…

  14. That's a good idea, especially for countries that are smaller in area – spread the events around and use the facilities you already have. Of course, that makes too much sense, and I'm sure the International Olympic Committee would frown upon it.

  15. I don't think many visitors to Sydney go sightseeing at Olympic Park either.

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