Wanker of the Week

This week has brought us a proliferation of wankers, from the family in Scotland who are so fat that the council are paying minders to stop them from eating blocks of lard to the latest bonkers offering from the harpy formally known as 'Lady Mills-McCartney'. However beating them all by a country mile is the charming Anjem Choudary, everyone's favourite fanatical jihadist.



Before we get into what Choudary has done this week to bring him the honour of 'wanker of the week', let's have a little look at his previous actions, many of which are also worthy of mention.

Choudary is an extremist who seems to believe that his calling in life is to wage holy war against the infidel and bring us all global Islamic Jihad. Lucky us eh? He claims that "People here are living in anarchy. There's a rape every minute. Islam has the answer to everything". Well indeed, because we all know that there are no rapes at all in Islamic countries, ever. And if there's 1 every minute here then that makes a grand total of 524160 per year. In my 29 years that's a whopping great 15,200,640 rapes so clearly either I should go out less because in the next 5 years my number is going to come up or he's plucked a random figure out of thin air because he's got no fucking idea how many rapes there are in this country. I'd lay a fiver that it's less than in Saudi Arabia but unlike Choudary I'm not going to state that as a fact because I don't know for sure.

Choudary has been recruiting soldiers for his lovely Jihadist war on the streets of London (because obviously his contribution to Jihad is best done in the comfort of the centrally heated office, rather than from a scratty, flea-ridden tent in the shit-hills of Afghanistan. After all, Jihad may be important but a man needs his creature comforts doesn't he?). One of his recruits was interviewed about his meeting with Choudary and his conversion to Islam by the Daily Mail and had this to say for himself, "I'd already gone off pork and I had my last drink on holiday in Cyprus last year, just one pint. Michael Jackson's death to me was a sign". So as you can see, we should really be alarmed because Choudary clearly targets the brightest and best to play Jihad Joe, the ones with robust mental health and a true sense of what's important. This little chap goes on to say that sharia law would bring fear into the UK and this would be a good thing because "If there is no fear, people just act on their whims, drinking alcohol and taking drugs and having sex". Imagine that, people having a drink and having sex, it's like a party in Satan's front room over here, it really is. No one in countries ruled by Sharia law ever has sex, it would seem. I'll be honest, I'm not convinced Jihad Joe has really thought this through. But then I suppose those recruited by Choudary and his like aren't meant to think are they? They're just supposed to do as they're told.

Choudary's recruits don't believe in letting work get in the way of Jihad, or for that matter, Loose Women and re-runs of Diagnosis Murder. Choudary himself is living off benefits, despite being a fully qualified lawyer and his recruits are taught that is is their Muslim duty to claim benefits and make no contribution to the 'enemy' British state. Perhaps the rules on claiming benefits in the UK are mentioned in the bit of the Koran that I skipped. Now again, I'm not convinced this has been thought through. Leaving aside the fact that everytime they buy anything they are paying VAT which goes straight to the Treasury and the 'enemy' British state, their aim is to bring in radical Islam and stop women from being educated and taking jobs. Since approximately 70% of British women work either full or part time in paid employment this would automatically reduce the amount of tax being paid to the treasury by a vast amount and mean that the welfare state would no longer be sustainable. So Choudary and his beardy-weirdy followers would have to actually get up off the sofa and get a proper job. That is assuming that the UK hadn't already descended into a piss-pot backwater like Afghanistan. Hard-liners know a lot about Jihad and what benefits they are entitled to but don't seem to be that hot on running a national economy. Plus they don't seem like working. Obviously there aren't any Jihad rules about sitting on your arse all day watching daytime telly.

It's not just our morals that Choudary has put in the firing line, nope, our festivals are also a no-no. Apparently our yuletide festivities are 'the pathway to hellfire'. Who knew? Ooops. He goes on to explain that "Every Muslim has a responsibility to protect his family from the misguidance of Christmas because its observance will lead to hellfire. Protect your Paradise from being taken away – protect yourself and your family from Christmas". So I'll take that as a 'no' to the last slice of christmas pudding shall I?

It's possible that the delightful Mr Choudary may soon be silenced by the authorities as he's apparently being investigated by the police for demanding that gays be stoned to death (that's assuming that he doesn't get taken out by a Catholic fanatic as the Catholic brethren wasn't that amused by his call for the Pope to be executed due to his 'insults to Islam'). Still, before drifting out of the limelight and becoming just another benefit-scrounging soap-dodger, or worse, actually having to spend the day working instead of planning international jihad, Choudary has managed to pull a blinder by demanding that the Queen be tried for genocide and the extermination of a nation.  Now being a lawyer he should know that the queen is classed as sovereign and is therefore immune from prosecution but even if she weren't, I would have an issue with his assertion that she 'applauds her sons and daughters to go and massacre hundreds and thousands of innocent people'. As the Head of the Armed Forces is she not supposed to support them? I must have missed the conflict where the aim was to 'go and massacre hundreds of thousands of innocent people' but I'm sure if I asked, Mr Choudary could put me straight. As long as I was wearing a burqa, asked permission to speak first and didn't leave the kitchen.

So there we are, Anjem Choudary, benefit-scrounger, jihadist, terrorist recruiter and all round asshole. Please come and collect your 'Wanker of the Week' award – you've just about got time to get here and back to yours before 'Murder She Wrote' starts….

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19 Responses

  1. [esto es genial]

  2. Bearded Barmpot. That's just beautiful, an absolute classic. Thank you, your rant has improved what has thus far been a shite night.

  3. Jihad Joe … I like that.Gee … I wonder what would happen to me if I moved to Saudi Arabia, lived "on the dole," and espoused fundamentalists Christian beliefs?I was going to say I'd starve to death because there is no welfare … but really, how would I eat without a head?

  4. The simple fact is that his ridiculous ideas of Islam and what it entails would turn the UK into a shitty backwater. And much as I sometimes think the best thing I could do with with my wayward hair is to cover my entire head with a bag, I'm not going to accept a burqa without a fight. I can't see Sophie going a bundle on the idea either.

  5. Glad to be of service. To put it in a ladylike fashion, the man is a jizz stain on the trousers of society and he ought to be doing community service picking dog craps off the street, rather than being paid with the taxes of the likes of us to sit on his fat arse preaching hate all day. I would write to him and tell him but I suspect his bonkers followers may reply using a novel combination of a molotov cocktail and my letterbox so I'm not going to.

  6. [esto es genial]

  7. The sad thing is that if you speak to an ordinary Muslim, they are very normal, rational people who don't believe the crap that these idiots spout and who are at pains to try and point out that real Islam is a peaceful religion. It's like football – most people who like it are normal but there's a small core of psychotic dickheads who steal the headlines and ruin the reputation.

  8. Perhaps a separation of his head and torso instead.

  9. Indeed. To be honest, in this day and age and given the hindsight that we now have, I think separation of church and state would be a good idea in every nation.

  10. Since the man talks exclusively out of his arse I suspect it wouldn't make a huge difference.

  11. Nice work again Vicola.It would be easy to laugh about and disregard idiots like Choudary except that the world is full of similar fanatical religious zealots who believe that they have the right to dictate how the rest of us should live our lives.

  12. Well said, Vicola. While I don't think the world has much to fear from this dickhead, it is a worry that it only takes a few with his mindset to wreak havoc on a society. I watched a rather chilling documentary on the Mumbai massacres which included phone calls between the terrorists and their controller sitting comfortably back in Pakistan. He kept reassuring them that they would soon be in heaven, all the while urging them to kill more innocents. And we've just arrested four who were planning their own entry into heaven here in Oz. A shame we can't assist them to get there these days, as they do in Indonesia.

  13. ''jihad joe'' i need to use that more often.
    is this new picture the real vicola or was the old one.

  14. Why are they so determined that their way is the only way and we should all be forced to accept it? The world has always had different people going about life differently and they are never going to force the entire globe to accept Islam so why try?

  15. I notice that it's never the Mullah or Imam or whatever they're called that's strapping on the bombs. No, they are busy urging some mentally deficient, friendless individual to kill themselves and go to heaven while not actually volunteering their own services. If it's such a glorious thing to do, why aren't they queing up to give it a go?

  16. Ha! Both pictures are the real me Ken, The old one was taken at my brother's wedding nearly 3 years ago when I had blonde hair. The new one was taken about 3 weeks ago at Chateau de Queribus in the Pyranees. I dyed my hair a little while ago.

  17. family in Scotland who are so fat that the council are paying minders to stop them from eating blocks of lardThat sounds intriguing….. !?

  18. It is indeed. I was quite amazed that a council would pay so much. The full story is here: http://www.thescottishsun.co.uk/scotsol/homepage/news/2556095/Dundee-Council-to-pay-minders-to-stop-an-obese-family-over-eating.html
    How can a child have got to 16 stone by 12 years old? That's nearly 2 of me and I'm 5ft 10. Ridiculous. In another article about the same family she describes her children's obesity as 'carrying a bit of puupy fat'. Aye, right. And she insists that they only eat healthy home-cooked food not junk. Which may be true but if you eat 2 adult sized portions of healthy food as a 12 year old you're still going to get fat.

  19. Good God! 23st mum and 18st dad? The youngest child is 21 months old so even if the parents were not as big 3 years ago they were still mighty hefty – I'm surprised they found a bed strong enough to cope with the "love making" required to reproduce!

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