More of life’s little irritations…

You know when sometimes you have a day when you should ignore the alarm, pull the covers over your head and refuse to emerge? Well today is one of those days.

Firstly I woke up with a cold. It's like someone has cheesegrated my throat and my nose is doing a passable impression of a waterfall. But like the good little wage slave I am I drag my plague-ridden carcass out of bed and head downstairs. Where I find that in the middle the night that bastard cat who comes into our garden specifically to shit in the gravel has walked across the wet concrete of the conservatory base, leaving a set of deep paw prints across the whole thing. I hope the sodding creature gets contact dermititus, or at the very least gets stuck to the spot as the concrete dries. Hopefully in its owner's garden because that's the only way it's ever likely to shit there. I had thought about training my dog to dump on their front garden to see how they like it but figured I might have been being childish.

Anyway, I got ready, got in my car and headed off to work. Slap into a traffic jam on the M60 as it happened, because some tosspiece spilled a shitload of fuel on the sliproad to the M62 at jct 12, meaning the M60 blocked up all the way to jct 18. By the time I got on the sliproad at jct 17, it was too late to turn back and so I sat in the stupid queue for the better part of an hour. When I arrived at work I discovered that I was meant to be in a meeting at 8.30am and so had to go straight in without pausing for breakfast or coffee. My presence wasn't even useful since my attention was diverted away from what people were saying by the pressing need to stop my nose from dribbling on the boardroom table and trying to stifle the sneezes that kept trying to erupt. Many thanks to the government for putting out the advertisements for swine flu that classify people who sneeze as weapons of mass destruction.

When I come out of the meeting I notice I have 2 missed calls from Mr Vicola, so I call him back, hoping for good news. Which was clearly over-optimistic, since what he was actually calling me to tell me was that last night when I took the mince out of the freezer, I had left the door open and so the whole thing had defrosted. Marvellous. So tonight will not be spent sat on the sofa nursing a Lemsip and feeling sorry for myself, it will be spent making 56 meals for the freezer with the kilo of mince, 3 packs of bacon, rainbow trout and umpteen chicken breasts that are now sitting in the fridge. Any suggestions gratefully received.

And that is today in a nutshell. And it's only 12.20pm. I hate to think what could go wrong with the rest of the day but am now too snot-filled and tired to care. Should the 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse land in the garden to herald the end of days then they can bloody well make themselves useful by slicing the onions and skimming the paw prints in the concrete.

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12 Responses

  1. I suppose you could get some satisfaction by placing a piece of defrosted fish in the sun for a couple of days, and then feeding to neighbours cat as a "special" treat. Just a thought…

  2. Smirk..knowing my luck the bastard creature would come into my garden and pebbledash the house. I must have shifted at least 15 turds buried in gravel at that side of my house. From now I'm I'm going to wait until cover of darkness and then go return the turds to their rightful owner.

  3. That's one rubbish day you're having. I only have to have a cold and I'm reduced to crying at adverts.
    Perhaps buy a couple of jars of Pataks on the way home and mix up a curry storm with the chicken breasts – curry should help the cold as well if you don't freeze it all. That and medicinal vodka.

  4. I know that re-freezing things is not recommended by the man, but I do it all the time and I never got sick from doing so, and having worked in the grocery retail and manufacturing industry for a few years in my youth, you would be surprised at how many times your frozen goods are defrosted during transit and just thrown into a freezer like nobody gives a shit.

  5. You poor thing – it was definitely not worth your while heading out the door this morning! Hopefully Mr Vicola will cook up the storm while you sit over your lemsip.

  6. [esto es genial]

  7. I was kind of hoping that the little darling would go back home and decorate the carpet with rotten fish. Maybe then they'd keep it home. What is it with cats? Our neighbour's cat likes nothing better than to shit in our potting mix and/or freshly dug garden bed. It's not as though it hasn't got a big back yard of it's own to shit in. Maybe it's time for me to try the old rotten fish trick myself.

  8. first of all use your dog,thats why their called man's best freind,second did you say mince as in mince meat pie,we can't get that anywhere over here…..

  9. The chicken breasts were designated for use yesterday but by yesterday I was so utterly riddled with plague that I spent the whoe day on the sofa marvelling at the fact I could be this miserably ill and not actually be dead by lunchtime. The idea of making dinner made me cry, especially since I couldn't taste anything, so I boiled the chicken breasts and gave them to the dog.

  10. I so nearly managed to get it with the car yesterday as the little scrote was sunbathing in the gutter. But it moved at the last minute. Very disappointing.

  11. They never seem to shit on their own turf. And what really annoys me is the owner's attitude, "well he's a cat, he goes outside, he's only doing what comes naturally so what do you expect us to do about it". Really? And would you be so understanding if I booted my dog out the front door each morning and he came and shat on your front lawn? I suspect not. So what I expect you to do, mate, is to come round to mine and collect up the turds from under the gravel, spray wash the stones and keep the fucker inside until it learns not to crap on other people's property. Otherwise I'm going to buy a crocodile and we'll see how well it fares when it comes into my garden to 'do what comes naturally' then.

  12. Would it be asking too much for him to buy kitty litter and to train the cat to use it? Oh, that would mean he'd have to clean up his own shit, and that would never do, would it. We put the garden hose on the neighbour's cat whenever we catch it, but it still comes back. I think it also likes to snack on the birds using our bird bath, judging by the occasional feathers near it. Never mind, there's always wine, and Bundaberg rum is very good for various ailments too. I don't know if you get it over there.

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