A letter to Royal Mail

Fuelled by coffee and anger at the time I'd spent trying to track down the letter I sent on Monday, I decided it was time to email Royal Mail's customer services department…


To whom it may concern:

(note: I suggest you get a coffee before you start, this might take a while).


I would like to make a complain, in fact I'd like to make several. So we'll start at the beginning shall we?

1st complaint – I sent a memory card to my brother at the **********'s headquarters by Special Delivery on Monday. I sent it Special Delivery and paid the extra cost because Special Delivery is guaranteed the next day. Allegedly. But it never arrived on the Tuesday. My brother checked in with the post room time and time again but hey ho, no memory card. When I finally managed to get hold of an operator on the phone (something we're going to tackle in further detail below) they tell me that an attempt was made to deliver it yesterday so I rang the *************'s post room to check. Seems that the person on the end of your phoneline didn't tell me a little white fib, they didn't bend the truth a wee bit to make it sound nicer, nope, that was a sodding great lie because unless someone attempted to deliver the letter before the post room staff arrived at 7am and didn't bother to leave a card, or after 6pm when the post room staff left (and the midday that special delivery guaranteed had sailed away into the horizon never to be seen again) no delivery attempt was made. I do not appreciate being lied to. I accept that you are probably receiving a lot of complaints at the moment but since I was gifted with more brain cells than your average coffee table, I can spot bull-shit when it's headed towards me and I'd rather Royal Mail just 'fessed up and said the card spent yesterday on the floor of a warehouse while management struggled to find a postie who was going to spend the day at work rather than in front of the Playstation. However the girl did inform me that another attempt would be made today. This is all very nice but it isn't what I forked out for and the recipient is now somewhere over the ocean enroute to New Zealand, minus the memory card for his camera that I paid Royal Mail to deliver to him in time for his holiday. In other words, a delivery today is bugger all use unless he's planning on going on the trip of a lifetime next year as well. 


Let's move on to complaint number 2 shall we? This one is about the track and trace automated phone system. My brother and myself were educated privately and my mother used to nag all trace of a local accent out of the pair of us, the result being that I have an entirely neutral voice. I don't sound like the Queen but nor do I sound like an extra from Brookside. Given this fact, I fail to see why the track and trace automated system is incapable of distinguishing the difference between 'L' and 'M' when 'L' is clearly ennunciated. If the system is incapable of telling the difference and is therefore giving me an update on someone else's post, may I politely suggest that it may be unfit for purpose and should perhaps be replaced with something that works and that doesn't make you want to claw out your eyeballs after 5 attempts to find out where in the wide world your letter has ended up? 


And now onto our third and final (I'm sure you're thrilled to know that we're reaching the finish line of this roller coaster ride of dissatisfaction) complaint – the phone system. When you ring up, you're greeted by a minutes long  lecture from an admittedly pleasant sounding pre-recorded lady named Sarah, telling you that the easiest way to deal with your issue is to use the website. Answer me this – if I could find the answer quickly and easily on the website, would I be wasting precious minutes of my life that I can never get back listening to recorded messages and going through umpteen layers of the automated moron line, designed no doubt to deter all but the most determined and mentally agile from achieving the holy grail of reaching an actual operator. I just want to speak to a person and having the nice sounding recorded lady introduce herself before sending you into the maze of multiple options that will never lead you to the answer you want is not going to stop you from feeling the overwhelming urge to put two pencils up your nose and bang your head on the desk, as you once again realise you've reached the dead-end of the recorded apology/ instruction to use the website and you're going to have to start from the beginning again. Allow me to let you into a little secret, completely free of charge – customers just want to talk to an operator who can either sort out their problem or tell them a whopping great lie about where their post is. Preferably the first option but we'll not try to run before we can walk eh?


Well, thank you for taking the time to read my complaint, hope you enjoyed your coffee and I'm now off to try and find out why the girl I spoke to hasn't emailed me the compensation form that she said she was going to send out straight away. Wish me luck!!


Best Regards



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5 Responses

  1. … although sadly, I fear that this is too entertaining to be taken seriously.

  2. [c’est top]

  3. Oddly enough, no one has been in contact yet…

  4. Well shit, I can't understand why no-one has contacted you! Ohhhh wait a minute. Did you actually WRITE this letter and POST it to Royal Mail? If so, you have precisely fuck all chance of it ever getting there. I mean hey, they can't even deliver normal mail on time so a complaint? That'll be somewhere in a garbage receptacle round the back of HQ, awaiting Biffa to come and fetch it.

  5. I got all technical amd emailed it to them.I can only hope that their email system is more efficient than their delivering post system, although whether there's anyone left in the office to read it is another matter, the admin staff are probably all out trying to get letters through letterboxes while the posties sit around at home watching 'Loose Women'.

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