More from the world of complete lunacy…

I have posted before on the comedy value that can be found in studying the public proclamations of everyone's favourite hardline Muslim fundamentalist, (with emphasis on the 'mental') Anjem Choudary but like piles, gonorrhea and the inland revenue, Choudary is the gift that just keeps on giving and today, the Express has both amazed and delighted me with details of his latest foray into the world of utter nonsense. Yes indeed, today the bearded barmpot has announced that his group of Jihad-happy fruitbats have discovered evidence which challenges the right of the Queen to live at Buckingham palace.  What this evidence is, he declines to say but doubtless when it was knocked up on someone's PC inbetween Loose Women and today's episode of Jeremy Kyle it was very authentic looking indeed, Choudary says that since the Queen shouldn't be living there, it should be renamed 'Buckingham Masjid', the Islamic word for mosque. If only I'd known that if someone is turfed out of their residence it suddenly becomes fair game for anyone who can think of a funny name, I'd have moved straight into the 6 bedroom detached house in the posh end of town the minute the bailiffs got off the driveway and renamed it 'Flowery Twats' (in honour of Fawlty Towers for anyone who hasn't seen that episode). Still, we'll ignore the boring and inconsequential detail that Choudary has less right to the ownership of Buckingham Palace than my dog, because it spoils all the fun, let's just roll with it shall we?

Inbetween busy periods organising Saturday's rally through London to demand a complete overhaul of the British legal system and the immediate introduction of Sharia courts (might as well start small eh?) he has even found the time to consider the logistics of his brilliant plan. The Mall would be renamed 'Masjid Road', a catchy title as I'm sure you'll agree and Buckingham Palace will be fitted with a dome and a tannoy system to call people to prayers. Good luck with that son, we couldn't even get opening windows on the fence side of our conservatory passed by the council's planning department, you've got bugger all chance of getting a dome fitted to a listed building. Still, if the council start getting awkward I suppose Mr Choudary could just have them all stoned to death or beheaded to save a bit of time and the rejigging of the architect's drawings. In case anyone was wondering what Buckingham Palace would look like with dome, Choudary has helpfully superimposed one onto a photo:

Lovely. Very..erm…dome-like. And full marks to the member of the team that knows how to use Photoshop for proving that fundamentalists don't just spend their time plotting international jihad and reading leaflets about what benefits they're entitled to, no, they also take 1 day IT courses too.

The Palace would have a whole new function under Mr Choudary's leadership (he seems to have skipped ahead here to the bit where he in fact supreme ruler of the universe and gets to make all the decisions and wear the flashy costume) as a centre for handing down Sharia punishments and detaining prisoners of war. Lovely, I'm sure the decor of the main ballroom would be enhanced beyond measure by the addition of some sets of manacles and a table for cutting the hands off those who defy Islam. In addition it would become the headquarters of 'The Islamic States Supreme Leadership' (how very 'Star Wars') and the Department of Information and Culture. Choudary clearly does not see the irony in housing the culture department in a defaced listed building. Never mind, I suppose he can't be good at everything. The Crown jewels would be melted down into 'more appealing jewellery, free from idolatrous engravings or symbols'. What a mervellous idea – imagine how many Elizabeth Duke style sovereign rings and 'World's best Mam' necklaces you could make with the crown jewels. What a vote winner that would be. Unless of course, as I suspect, Mr Choudary just plans to melt them down and make a 12 foot jewel encrusted statue of himself, to stand in the courtyard and be worhipped by the masses. If you made it with the arms outstretched you could even hang the unbelievers off it! A multipurpose statue demonstrating both the power of fundamentalist ideals and an awareness of value for money. Genius. 

Choudary announces on his website that 'there is a spark that has ignited and its flame has become unstoppable'. Well, let's hope that the smoke detectors are working eh? We wouldn't want Britain's foremost benefit-claiming, batshit-mad fundamentalist to get his arse burned would we? He goes on to say that 'We find ourselves in the year 2009 waiting for Rome to fall, waiting for the Whitehouse to fall and indeed waiting for Buckingham Palace to fall". Should give him plenty of time for a coffee, a garibaldi and another shufty at what Buckingham Palace would look like with his face painted on the side then…

Not everyone is quite so convinced by the proclamations of our esteemed Britain-basher. Grumpy old Abdul Hamid Qureshi, chairman of the Lancashire council of Mosques, who is clearly not getting into the swing of things, announced that 'what they are saying is completely wrong…there is no sense in it – it is not Islam'. Pah. He'll clearly not get to be one of the Supreme Council and wear long robes and take over all the other planets in the Federation. Or whatever it was that was going on in Star Wars (clearly the inspiration for Choudary and his followers). Tory MP Philip Davies put it even more succinctly – "This man's a complete idiot". D'you know, there's nothing I can argue with in that, I couldn't have put it better myself. Anjem Choudary – complete idiot.


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13 Responses

  1. Thank you. I needed that. I think it is a pity that Anjem Choudary didn't put more thought into the title of 'The Islamic States Supreme Leadership'. If only he could have put a word beginning with 'N' in there – something like 'The Islamic Nascent States Supreme Leadership' then they could have had the acronym TINSSL then hee could then wear tinsel on top of his clothes all year round to reinforce his message.

  2. Or"The Principal Islamic States Supremacy", or PISS for short. He could be the chief Thinker of Islamic Theology, or Chief TIT. He's clearly spent far too much time daydreaming about Buckingham Palace with a dome and not enough thinking about titles. I wonder if you can leave a comment on Islam4UK? Probably best leave my address off….

  3. According to my 'Diversity Wookbook' (yes, I still haven't managed to send the damn thing back to Stuttering Charlie, my tit of a HR Manager), "Islam is the most common faith after Christianity. 2.7% of the total population of the UK are Muslim". So, even if the whole UK Muslim community agreed with him, which they clearly don't, not that big a spark then, ay?

  4. I suspect that this inconvenient fact isn't going to stop the giant snowball that is Mr Choudary's ego from rolling down the hill, crushing any reason and good sense that happens to end up in its path. The scary thing is that this asshole is a qualified solicitor. What kind of utter tosspieces are we awarding professional qualifications to these days?

  5. Sadly, the ability to pass exams doesn't always go hand in hand with having any common sense whatsoever …..

  6. Hang on though… The Express? It's good for artistic license purposes, I suppose… Good blog, but the Express?!

  7. As usual I thoroughly enjoyed reading your systematic and total dismantling of these idiots, but in the background I can't help being concerned about those who might take him seriously.Thank goodness people like like you can wring out some humour from all the stupidity.

  8. No prizes for guessing what he spends his benefits on. I'm rather surprised he didn't get a guernsey as "Wanker of the Week". I expect he'll be nominated for your "Wanker of the Year" awards though. Should be a lay down misere I would think.

  9. [esto es genial]

  10. At least it makes a change from the Express just printing yet another boring story about Princess Diana. In fact I'm astounded that they didn't manage to shoehorn her into the article somewhere…

  11. Thank you, I'm all for finding the humour in stupidity, after all if you can't laugh at Choudary then that's his one useful purpose removed….

  12. If he manages to get a hat-trick of 'wanker of the week' awards then he gets a special presentation certificate. He should also receive a set of presentation steak knives as well but on reflection the committee has decided that perhaps equipping the lunatics with sharp objects is unwise.

  13. Tragically I don't think the authorities consider being a completely insane twat with delusions of grandeur a sectionable offence. Which makes you wonder what they DO class as a sectionable offence…

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