Some more drivel from my day to day life

Sadly nothing very exciting has happened in the last few days. I think I may have PMT because life is currently a patchwork of little irritations woven together to create a quilt of annoyance. These include but are not limited to:

Telephone Twat
I pick up the phone yesterday and there's some bloke on the other end. Great, they've put another marketing monkey through to me. Why do reception always stick anyone selling crap through to me? Only this one turns out to have arrogance factor 10.
"Can I speak to the head of sustainability?"
"We don't have a head of sustainability, we aren't a huge organisation and so sustainability is split between a few different departments.
"Well then I'd like to speak to the head of engineering sustainable development."
"We don't have one of those either. Like I just said said, sustainability is split between a few different departments."
"Well I'll speak to the person in charge of all those departments."
"They are DIFFERENT DEPARTMENTS. This means they have DIFFERENT MANAGERS. See? There isn't someone in charge of all of them, each one has a manager of its own."
"Oh don't bother then, I'll just speak to the MD." And he hangs up.
Good luck with that mate. If he thinks I'm the most unhelpful person our organisation has to offer then he's in for a rude awakening when he's put through to the MD's personal assistant, a woman whose unhelpful manner and ability to take a marketing call for the MD as a personal insult are legendary throughout the organisation. And the arrogant little git deserves it too.

The Fridge Witch
I got into the office this morning and on a Friday the lady who usually mans reception from 8am till 9am doesn't come in, meaning the Fridge Witch is on the desk. So at 8.10am she rings up, as per fire regulations, to find out who is in my end of the office.
"Hello. Is it just you in your office?"
"Yes. Just me."
"No L & N?"
Of course they're here, that's exactly what I meant when I said "just me".
"No, they're not here, it's just me."
"Where are they? Are they coming in today? Are they out for the day?"
Mind your own fucking business you cheeky cow. That woman is terminally nosy. For the purposes of fire regulations you are required to know who is in the building. Where the other members of my department are if they aren't in this building is absolutely none of your concern. It's not like they submit their itinerary for the next fortnight in to me for approval and even if I did know, I'd say I didn't because I know it bugs the hell out of you not to be in the know about everything that's going on. Work is making me even more childish than I was to start with. If things continue there's every chance I'm going to end up buying a slingshot and lurking behind the fake potted palm in reception flicking inkballs at the old bat.

Bonfire night
Last night was bonfire night and as per usual, the folk of my estate had spent a fortnights salary (or benefits, depending on which house you're referring to) on buying the loudest illegal fireworks they could get their hands on. And for the third year running, next door won with what sounded like colourfully filled depth charges illegally purchased from the armed forces. The first one went off without warning, causing me to drop a mug of coffee on my own feet, the windows to rattle and the dog to go entirely rigid with his eyes on stalks and the look of a rabbit in headlights. After 10 minutes of talking the dog down we seemed to be making progress. Until the next one went off and the animal shot under the dining table. He stayed there for over an hour while what sounded like an airstrike on the next town along went off from the back gardens and even this morning he went 2 feet in the air when I dropped a plate in the kitchen. At about ten o'clock I decided to go and look at the fireworks from out of the bathroom window, a great vantage point because it looks out over a section of the town. As I opened the window a dead spider was hanging from the outside of the frame. I bloody hate spiders so I took a ball of loo roll and lobbed it at the spider corpse to knock it off, figuring I could just go and pick the loo roll up out of the garden. What I had forgotten to take into consideration was that we've just had a new conservatory put on the back of the house so my big ball of bog roll landed square on the  shiny new glass roof. Fuckity fuck. I can't reach it with a broom handle, I tried. So I went to bed. I offer a hearty mental apology to the boys next door who Mr Vicola thinks threw the loo roll out of THEIR window, mistakenly assuming that his wife would not be thick enough to lob it out of theirs. I promise I will 'fess up when I get home.

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18 Responses

  1. I can see I live a dull life. No telephone twat, no Fridge Witch, and no Bonfire Night. There's always whisky though. Thanks, I will have another one. It does help to dull the pain…

  2. Nah… you won't 🙂 You'll tell him in a few weeks if you're like me.

  3. Pah, you think you're sad? I found these events momentous enough to write about. How dull does that make my life??

  4. If he carries on ranting about irresponsible people throwing stuff onto roofs I may not tell him at all….

  5. Pah, you think you're sad? I found these events momentous enough to write about. How dull does that make my life?? At least you've got that to write about. All I can write about is whisky. Come to think of it, I suppose that's not so bad….

  6. I appreciated the description of the depth charges – the teenagers a couple of doors down from us had those last night too.

  7. I think I must live next door to both of you. My flat was shaking.

  8. It's bloody mental isn't it? I don't remember the fireworks that my parents used to buy when I was younger making the windows shake. A pot plant in the conservatory actually dropped off the windowledge.

  9. It is indeed. And while I laughed at your description of your dog's reaction, I did feel for him ..

  10. I also sympathise with the dog – and its reaction to something being dropped the next day. A few weeks ago, my bathroom cabinet fell off the wall in the middle of the night… On the next night – around the same time of night – Big Boy sneezed and woke me up. Each time, I woke up panicking! Hopefully the dog's PTSD clears up soon like mine did 🙂

  11. Thanks! It usually takes him a few days to get over it but since a lot of people have saved their firework displays until the weekend I guess we've got a few days left. My mum and dad own a nursing home and ten years or so ago they had a lot of veterans of WW2 in there. Some of them had to be tranquilised on bonfire night because the bangs and crashes gave them flashbacks and panic attacks. One guy, whose ship had been sunk and the crew machine gunned in the water by a U boat crew, was particularly bad. People don't think, animals and veterans can't handle this noise. I love fireworks, don't get me wrong, but the onslaught that is now bonfire is madness. It should be restricted to just the 5th so that you don't get two weeks of terrified pets/ relatives.

  12. I think it became legally restricted to the 5th in the past year or two… I heard something about it but then concluded that no one had listened. (maybe I'm completely wrong!)

  13. I liked your description of the 'Telephone Twat' and the 'Fridge Witch'. The 'Fridge Witch' seems to be a frequently occuring character in your posts 🙂 I didn't know that the armed forces sold fireworks illegally 🙂

  14. I miss the annual fireworks night of my childhood. It's all been outlawed by the do gooders. No more big bonfires or fireworks.Must adopt your excellent fire regulation procedures….. I am a one man operation.I'll just ask myself every morning how many of us are in the building then report back to myself. (like I don't have enuf psychological problems already 🙂

  15. I am very sorry, but unfortunately I seemed to start laughing as I read this, and seem to be still laughing now. Sorry.

  16. LOL – Business Development and Marketing departments in my office must really hate me. They get all the calls that I get "confused" about … (I'm just trying to be helpful to the caller – honestly!).

  17. It's either that the navy are flogging depth charges filled with colourful chemicals or the people next door had got hold of a box of land mines, not sure which. There's no way those bangs were made by ordinary fireworks.

  18. Interesting 🙂 The people next door getting hold of a box of landmines sounds like a more interesting story 🙂

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