Christmas nonsense.

And so, as we head towards christmas, the usual round of christmas disasters appear on the horizon and head towards me at a rate of knots. Am nto doing too  badly this year, I've only had a few and these include:

The Christmas tree stand.
I ordered a christmas tree stand off Ebay. It said 'suitable for large tree'. I liked the idea of a 'large tree' and since anyone who was reading back in 2008 will remember last year's christmas tree fiasco, I was determined not to be caught out the same way again so I wanted a big tree stand. The unfortunate thing about Ebay is that it's rather difficult to tell from the little grainy picture how big something actually is. Unless you read the dimensions written in small print, obviously, but who does that? So I get the card through the letterbox saying the postman hadn't been able to deliver my parcel (or, more accurately since I'd been in all day, the postman couldn't be arsed to deliver my parcel and fanny about getting a signature) and off I trundle to the post office. The man appears with my parcel and I'm not going to lie to you, it's fucking huge. I mean enormous. FAR too big for our living room but if anyone knows a person who is looking to prop up a mature Canadian Redwood tree, a bundled collection of telegraph poles or an upended Chieftain tank, I have the accessory they need. This meant that when I bought the christmas tree I had to buy another stand for a further twenty bloody quid and even then I've managed to put the thing in squint. So my tree leans to the left. This, coupled with the fact that my tree has plenty of branches at the top and loads at the bottom but a big stretch of trunk in the middle with no branches at all, means I have a 'character' tree. Lovely. I suppose it fits in well in our house, a bit dishevelled, about to fall over and generally a little bit shambolic.

The Eyelashes
With the party season in full swing I decided to get some false eyelashes put on for a party I was going to. The usual girl I go to has quit and so I booked in with a friend's cousin. The eyelashes she attached weren't in a strip like the ones I'd had done before, they were little individual ones and once on they looked fantastic. So I went to my party, came back a bit the worse for wear and decided that since the beautician had said some other girl had still been wearing them 3 weeks later, that I'd see if they were still there in the morning. And hey presto, when me and my hangover got up, they were! But they were beginning to annoy my eyes so I decided to take them off. I took hold of one little clump of them and pulled gently. Nothing, they didn't budge. So I pulled a bit harder. Nothing. So I yanked and was rewarded with the removal of a little clump of eyelashes. Sadly they weren't the false ones, they were actually mine, the fake ones were still firmly fixed to my face. Fuckity fuck. So I tried soaking them in eye makeup remover and then yanking. All I achieved was the removal of a few more of my own lashes and a searing pain in my eyelid. Eventually, with both eyes watering and looking suspiciously red I rang the girl to ask how I take them off. She asked if there was anything wrong with them, in a tone that suggested only someone who should be incarcerated in some sort of secure unit would be removing them the day after they were applied. I said there wasn't but I wanted to take them off so she advised using baby oil or vaseline to break down the glue and then pulling them off. I didn't have any vaseline but I did have baby oil, from the time that some fool advised me to use it to clean the stainless steel cooker top because it didn't leave streaks. I know, I know, oil and naked flame. Or I know now. Who knew the fire blanket would ever come in useful? Anyway, I dug the baby oil out from 'cupboard under the sink' and soaked the eyelashes for a while then yanked at a clump on the least painful of my eyelids. One little bit came out but the rest were still stuck fast. Fucking brilliant, now I've got a bald spot in the middle that means I'm committed to remvoving the whole lot but they're all still frigging superglued to my damned head. Cue half an hour of fannying about with baby oil soaked cotton wool pads, tugging, whimpering and howling. Eventually I managed to wrestle the bastard things off but my eyelids were so beseiged that it looked like I'd been smacked in the face. And 60% of my own eyelashes had been pulled out too. Beautiful, it's a good look for christmas. And because I'm a complete prat, I've booked in to have the eyelashes done again on Friday morning but this time I've thought ahead and bought some false eyelash remover. I'll let you know how it goes…….

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12 Responses

  1. Your eyelash experience sounds traumatic – and with a hangover? … I'd be booking myself into therapy – is that why you're going back? Is it some sort of immersion therapy you're exposing yourself to?

  2. I think it's like childbirth, over time the pain and trauma of removing them has been eclipsed by the memory of having lush eyelashes. Plus I've now only got about 6 of my own left so without them am going to look rubbish until mine grow back…

  3. Ow ow ow ow ow. I'm going to stick with lashings of mascara.

  4. Snap – our tree's exactly the same – it's the most ridiculous looking thing I've ever seen.
    Ouchy on your eyelashes is all I can contribute.

  5. I would but since I've only got a few left I'm going to have to go with fake ones until the christmas and new year party season is over then look like a tit until about February, by which time I should have re-grown a set of my own. Sigh…

  6. I did originally try and cover up the bald spot on the christmas tree but then I'd put so much stuff there that the poor thing looked like it'd been pimped. So now I'm just working on convincing myself that it looks a bit arty, not just daft.

  7. That tree stand thing totally sounds like something that would happen to me, haha. I can sympathize. I was actually gagging when I read the part about your eyelashes – I can't stand even watching someone touch their eyelashes! How in the world did you let someone put fake ones on!? At least they looked good for the party though, right? 😉

  8. I don't mind people touching my eyelids to be honest. However I would amputate the arm of anyone who even attempted to touch my bellybutton because that gives me the ick like you wouldn't believe. Even the thought of it makes my toes curl up. Grim. No, putting on the eyelashes wasn't a problem and they did look amazing although removing them was definately challenging. But now I have a tube of fake eyelash remover which means either the eyelashes will come off nice and easily or I'm going to burn out my eyeballs with some industrial solvent foolishly acquired via Ebay. I'll kepp you posted on which it turns out to be.

  9. Holy Helling Ouchy Fuck! And more. Ow! That has to be worse than having one's bits waxed. Erm.

  10. I love how your adverts are now for 'natural lash conditioner', 'trichotillomania help' and 'eye lash growth products'. How do they know?!

  11. I'd not noticed that! I'm going to leave a post that just says 'buggering camels' and see what they choose to advertise for that….

  12. LOL – I'm sorry but I got a really good laugh out of your eyelash experience. It does sound painful though.

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