My stats for the noughties

I've been absent for a week or so, thanks to my laptop wishing me a happy christmas by dying on its arse while my live-in computer fix-it man was in Inverness visiting his family, so apologies to anyone whose comments or posts I've not replied to/ written about. As I'm back at work now with quite literally bog all to do until the sites start generating some work for me I thought I'd have a look at some of my stats for the years 2000 – 2010.

Things Lost/ given away:

  • 3 grandparents, 1 sort of surrogate grandmother brought in replace one of the actual ones who was a cow, 1 great aunt and 1 great uncle. Blimey, there's been a bit of a cull in the family this past decade!
  • 2 boyfriends, one of whom was a nice guy but just not for me, one of whom was a complete twat that I can't believe I bothered with. Let me give you the benefit of my wisdom – never date anyone you met on a train, it didn't end well for me and it ended even less well for my cousin who married the nutjob she met on one. Now that's a long and bizarre story which also happened in my 'decade under review'!
  • 1 family dog, Barney, a hairy creature that moulted more than I ever believed a creature could without ending up bald. His ability to start a random fight with dogs much bigger than himself, leaving the owners clinging onto their beasts for dear life while I tried to drag the grouchy bundle of hair and teeth up the road by the scruff of the neck was awe-inspiring. I will also never forget the time he chased a chav down the road and over a fence for no better reason than that he had a rabid dislike of anyone in a beanie hat. Plus his attacks on the hoover never stopped being funny. He was put down last year after the tumour on his back began to affect his mobility and I'm sure that wherever he is he's having a great time starting fights with dogs 4 times his size and scoffing his own bodyweight in dog biscuits.
  • 1 job, when back in 2003 my dad fired me as an incentive for me to go out and find a proper job instead of flouncing about being the cook for the nursing home they own.
  • 3 cars – my first car, Cyril I, a silver Nissan Micra that was 12 years old when my parents bought it off my grandparents (as a way to stop them driving) and that ran like a dream until my then boyfriend Ben had been driving it for a while. After that you had to get up early if it was set to rain because you'd have to disconnect all the plugs and wipe them out with WD40. The RAC man was out to it so often that I got a christmas card off him. Nice chap. I loved that car. Also a ginger Peugeot 106 that coordinated beautifully with my ginger best friend and a harlot scarlet Ford Fiesta that ended up with my brother in London after a rather complicated swap involving my parents, my brother, a Peugeot 307 and a bank loan.
  • 1 friend/ flatmate who turned out to be a sociopathic slut who would offer my live in boyfriend sex while I was at work. He didn't take her up on it but it pissed me off none the less. Possibly it was not a good idea for me to attempt to have it out with her while fuelled up on cheap vodka but to be honest, she deserved every single one of the names I called her and I feel no guilt about aiming for her weak spots – popularity and looks. 
  • Umpteen thousands of pounds on pointless crap that I didn't need/ alcohol/ cigarettes/ clothes that I looked shocking in and shoes I couldn't walk in.
  • 7 guinea pigs. Shit, that sounds really bad when you write it down doesn't it? I swear I'm not some sort of psycho small furry critter killer.

Things found/ gained

  • 1 job. I've been here 7 years this march which is truly terrifying.
  • My 30s, and I don't want to even think about it, let alone talk about it.
  • 20 odd pairs of shoes / boots (conservative estimate). This decade I made the awesome discovery that is Duo, a company who makes boots in different calf widths, meaning finally I could have a pair of knee high boots that didn't look like wellies. A revelation, I'm sure you'll agree.
  • 1 dog – Geoffrey, who has featured in the blog before. He's a barmpot and as camp as christmas but everyone loves him.
  • 9 guinea pigs. 7 of which I have managed to dispatch to that great rabbit run in the sky, leaving me with 2 currently. Who, to the irritation of my other half are currently living in an indoor cage in the conservatory because it's minus 8 outside. "Of course they'll only be inside for a couple of days" I said 2 weeks ago. Smirk…
  • 6 second cousins, 3 of which were born to the same family. No family should have more than 2 kids, at least not if they expect me to remember all of their birthdays and buy them decent gifts at christmas.
  • 1 husband. We've been married for 4 years this year and that means that even if we were to divorce tomorrow we wouldn't have the worst marital record in my family, as two of my cousins only made it to the 2 year mark. Happy days.
  • 1 degree and 1 diploma. I am now a very highly qualified time waster, an achievement indeed.
  • Some wrinkles, the number of which I have not had the courage to count.
  • About two stone in weight, 1 of which I think I put on this christmas. I put my work trousers on this morning and decided, as I desperately struggled with the stupid button that either the mischief gnome had been in the wardrobe over the holidays and altered the dimensions of all my clothing or I needed to step away from the Terry's Chocolate Orange and head towards the salad. Sigh…
  • The ability to get from A to B without major injury. Only one this decade, a fractured kneecap, which was a vast improvement on the previous 2 decades when my inability to judge what was going on at the ends of my limbs led to me practically having my own dedicated seat in the A&E department. I think it might have been a family thing because my brother was also well known for his ability to fall over or into things as well.
  • A number of friends I'd lost touch with but in particular the lovely BGS girls who I went to school with and a girl who I went to primary school with and lived down the road from. I can't imagine now why we didn't all keep in touch, it seems ridiculous when we have such a good time.
  • A sister in law. Which is weird because that means my little brother is married. I realise that at 26, 6ft 4 or so he probably isn't that little but still….
  • Lots of lovely friends on Vox and even a few from back in the days when I started out online, on Diaryland!

So there we have it, my review of the decade, some things good, some things bad but on the whole I think I came out of it relateively unscathed….

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8 Responses

  1. [esto es genial]

  2. You properly outlasted my marriage – it pretty much ended for me on the flight to our honeymoon. However, for legal purposes it lasted approximately 18 months, if that.
    It's been a pleasure to add you on Vox. Your writing over my short time on here has kept me both amused and entertained. Of course I would never laugh at you, more with you…
    Hopefully your misbehaving box of tricks has been given a stern talking to and is now up and running. As an IT Fix It person, I can tell you that's all we do – look at broken product and give it a stern talking to. Works wonders.

  3. A very entertaining summary of your decade Vicola and very much reflects everyone's life with gains and losses.Cyril used to be a name of derision we used for others when we were kids :-)Don't feel bad about the 7 guinea pigs…..if you lived in South America it might be 365 x 10 = 3650 :-)My best wishes for your next decade. Then you'll be 40! Ha 🙂 And 40 is still really good.

  4. I think your founds outweigh your losses. Guinea pigs are "fragile" – my kids went through a few……. I have a mischief gnome who periodically visits my wardrobe too.

  5. Sadly my box is still not up and running, despite being told how it is, shouted at and cajoled. My IT fix-it man is now desperately trying to get his accounts done by the end of the month to avoid getting fined by the inland revenue so says he doesn't have the time to sort my poot. This means I am now relegated to doing all my IT stuff at work. Which tragically I had to come into today, when I'd far rather have had a lie in then played in the snow with the dog.
    My cousin realised before he got married that he didn't want to marry her but unfortunately didn't have the balls to stop the snowball of marriage plans from mowing him down. They stayed nominally together for 2 years for the sake of respectability and then went their separate ways. He's remarried now to a lovely girl called Clare.

  6. Jesus, 40, don't.My mum keeps telling me that life begins at 40 but I firmly believe that that's something that's just said by people who've passed 40 in order to make those of us approaching it stop whinging.

  7. Fortunately the mischief gnome hasn't been near my shoes, otherwise I'd be really cross!

  8. It was nice to read about your adventures and experiences during the last decade! Hope you have a wonderful decade ahead!

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