Wanker of the Week

This week I've found a couple of wankers, including a man in perfect health who thinks that people with terminal illness should not opt for assisted suicide because ,as far as I can tell, their suffering might lead to them to write an inspiring motivational book. I also contemplated Tony Blair but then what can you really say about Tony Blair other than the fact that he is a weapons-grade bell-end with enough ego for ten men and a superiority complex?

No, this week, thanks to The Times I've gone for a man who really embodies the fine British value of pen-pushing, jobsworth pettiness and is happy to demonstrate it at any given opportunity. Let me introduce you to PC Twat, locally referred to 'PC Shiny-buttons' thanks to his attention to detail, (or moronic pointlessness, depending on which way you look at things), the lovely PC Stuart Gray.

Looks like a no nonsense sort of bloke doesn't he? That hat is on at precisely regulation angle, radio proudly mounted on chest and no smiling, because the criminal fraternity need to know that a police officer is taking his duties  seriously. And believe me, PC Gray takes the rule book VERY seriously. Recently he has hit the headlines for apprehending a dirty criminal engaged in that most pernicious of crimes – blowing his nose while parked at traffic lights. Yes, you read that right.  Mr Michael Mancini from Prestwick in Ayrshire was parked at traffic lights with his handbrake on and his car in neutral when he reached over and grabbed a tissue then blew his nose with it. Imagine his surprise when PC Shiny-buttons signalled him into a parking bay and slapped him with a £60 fine and some lovely points to put on his driving licence for 'failing to be in control of his vehicle'. Quite what acrobatic stunts our serious-faced law enforcement officer thought a parked van in neutral with the handbrake on was about to perform is sadly not mentioned in the article but I think we can safely assume that blowing your nose in the car is now illegal because I'm, willing to bet that PC Gray knows the rule book inside out and can quote you the exact clause number which refers to the fact that it's safer to do 40mph with snot running down your face than to try and remove it while parked at a junction. "I honestly thought it was a joke" said Mr Mancini. Epic fail sir, does this man look like someone who does jokes? Does he look like he thinks law and order is a laughing matter? No, he looks like man whose uniform and spare uniform will always be perfectly pressed, whose radio is regularly wiped down with antibacterial cleaning wipes and who would NEVER contemplate leaving an empty MacDonald's meal deal bag in the patrol car. Entertainingly, it's not the first time PC Gray has hit the headlines for being what might be deemed a little over-zealous in his duties. He achieved local notoriety for dealing with the socially unacceptable crime of littering – by slapping a £50 fine on a chap whose ten pound note fell out of his pocket onto the floor. The bastard, the swine, first it's dropping a tenner and then before you know it he's high on drugs and is ram-raiding the post office in the middle of the afternoon for crack money. It's certainly a good job that that PC Gray, the stalwart of community policing is there to stamp out serious crime before it begins and to deal with the big issues facing Prestwick today, The residents of his beat will be sleeping sounder in their beds tonight and will possibly already be putting together a fund to erect a statue of this pillock of the community in the pub car park, in remembrance of his services to pointless pedantry.

So there we have it, PC Shiny-buttons, a man who can strike fear into the wallet of anyone in the Ayrshire area who has a cold but still has to commute to work in the car. I look forward to hearing about the further adventures of Hamish McTwat and his campaign to bring back hanging for those who fart in council owned buildings and flogging for people whose don't walk in an orderly fashion down the high street.

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20 Responses

  1. He's got the sort of face that makes me think that his mum always told him how good looking and clever he was when he was growing up. Now he's in the real world, no-one tells him he's good looking or clever because he isn't so he takes it out his anger and feelings of inadequacy on everyone else.

  2. Bet his bedroom was always tidy and he used to get really cross when the other kids in the playground wouldn't play with him.

  3. He used to line his teddies up in order of height and reprimand them if they so much as put a paw out of line.

  4. And all his books were in alphabetical order with the pages perfectly pressed.

  5. Yeh, I bet he was bullied at school. We had a director like that. He was of small stature, not that this is a problem – I am far from average height myself – but there is a well known phenomenon, "Small Angry Man Syndrome". He joined me in the restaurant once for dinner. I was just leaving, and was made to feel like I couldn't because he'd just taken a seat beside me. It was then he told me he was bullied at school and by his brother too. His aim in life was to be successful in business to 'prove everyone wrong'. Dunno about you, but my aim in life is to be successful in life. Not business. As long as I have money coming in, and a roof over my family's head, I am as successful as I want to be.Hmm. So not in control of vehicle because of having one hand off the wheel? We should all be driving autos now then. Oh, and have the police now snuck in hands-free radios? Someone should tell the guys on The Bill then…

  6. Actually I can tell he's a cunt just from the photo. The visor on his cap has been razored. It's a practice very common with military police officers of the very lowest IQs (and they say of military police dog handlers that they're walking around with their brains on the end of a lead). Essentially one takes a razorblade and cuts away the stitching that attaches the vizor to the cap, then one reattaches the vizor at a much steeper downwards angle than the cap was originally designed for. I really don't know *why* they do it, but the military police did it when I was in the forces and I've seen civvy police copy the trend recently. It's just a badge of cuntishness and a visible marker of an even lower-than-normal IQ.

  7. Surely this will be thrown out of court …Which, by the way, brings up another problem. Not only is HE wasting time best spent enforcing real laws and nabbing real baddies, but he's causing the whole legal system to waste time with petty garbage like this in court, thereby assuring that when a REAL criminal actually comes up for trial, the witnesses can barely remember their own names much less the facts of the case.

  8. Priceless, Vicola.With dills like this to report who needs a comics section in their newspaper?

  9. Very good Vic. Thanks for pointing it out to me Peter.

  10. What a sad tosspot …. Mr Jobsworth would be so proud.

  11. Once upon a time I lived in a bad part of town (not too unlike where I live now, but in Sydney). One afternoon there was a loud knock on the door and there stood two policeman who had come to investigate a crime reported by the old hag next door…… my 3 year old son was throwing his toys over her fence! There were cars being firebombed in the street behind us and thefts left, right and centre but they sent two big burly guys to talk to a 3 yo! Oh – and they didn't leave when they saw how big (little) he was – they insisted on going out the back to look at the fence where the crime was being committed!!

  12. Love the picture Vicola. That face says it all 🙂

  13. Everyone knows a tit like PC Shiny-Buttons, the one who thinks that success is measured by meeting targets and sticking to the very letter of the rule book. I bet he has the ladies queuing up round the block. In a neat and orderly fashion of course, whilst not blocking the public highway or makign excessive amounts of noise….

  14. What a twat. Why on earth would you bother doing that with your cap? You might as well attach a badge saying "I'm a tit" to your front. Mind you, I am impressed that he is now wearing something that is not strictly regulation issue, in his world that's about as cutting edge and rebellious as it gets.

  15. I wouldn't guarantee that it will be, the guy who has been fined has said he'll fight it in court but the police force concerned are not backing down and dropping it. I guess it's a tough call for them, if they take it to court the country will laugh at them because it'll now be reported but if they don't then they're effectively saying one of their officers isn't up to the job and is making ridiculous charges. Personally I think the best solution would be to demote Hamish McTwat to Chief Filing Bitch and keep him the back office all day where the damage he can do to the force's reputation is minimal.

  16. Glad you liked it! The world needs to know that there are people out there amusing us with their petty-mindedness and pedantry.

  17. Really? That is ridiculous. Since when was it a crime to throw toys over a fence? The old bat next door to you must have led a very sad and boring life to report a three year old to the police. Did it not occur to her at any point to perhaps knock on your door and tell YOU that your son's toys were accumulating in her garden?

  18. Indeed it does, it's a face that says "Young man, I haven't yet found the rule that says you can't wear your jeans slung that low but I will, so help me I will and when I do you're for it".

  19. Brennig, I have heard that it's to do with hiding the eyebrows and therefore hiding emotions and empathy with others (which is why police officers and military wear visors on their caps). That's my very potted explanation of the theory anyway…

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