It’s like banging your head against a wall…

What I wrote in the email:


Could I remind you to fill in the attached display screen equipment assessment and send it back to me? It is not just an internal survey, it is a requirement brought up at the latest external 18001/ 14001 audit and has to be completed prior to this year's visit from the auditor so if you could return the completed forms to me as soon as possible I can then close out this action.





What I wanted to write in the email:

Listen up you pair of pig ignorant asshats,

I sent the original email asking for these assessments to be completed and returned to me 3 weeks ago. Then the following week I sent a reminder. Every other person in the company has managed to do this and although I knew bloody well that you two would ignore me, I feel compelled to waste some more of my time asking you once again to do something that I know you aren't going to bother with. This is going to come as something of a revelation, I know, but you two are not above company procedures. If we don't retain the 18001/ 14001 accreditation then we'll be kicked off the water company framework. This will mean that there will be no more cash and therefore you, Chief Beancounter and you, Chief Beancounter's bitch, will be umemployed along with the rest of us. People of far higher status in this company, such as the deputy managing director, have filled in my questionnaire and sent it back so quite why you think you don't have to is a mystery. I realise that you are obsessed with the bottom line so let me tell you a little secret: Manners cost nothing. It's fucking rude to ignore someone's repeated requests for information. I'm not asking for it because that's how I get my kicks, believe me reading lord knows how many people's whinges about their office chairs and the fact that it's too warm in here in summer is not my idea of a riveting morning, I'm asking because the auditor said we have to do it and believe me when I tell you that if he questions why two people haven't got DSE assessments in the file I won't be taking the rap, I'll tell him exactly why and I'll have print outs of the emails I've sent repeatedly asking you to do it. Don't think I'll be making any effort to cover your arses. And when we end up with a non-conformance that has to be put before the board for explanation, I will hand over the file to the MD and we'll see exactly how happy he is with his little grovelling lapdog when it's threatening his company's accreditation.

Now sit your arse down at your computer and get it fucking done you pair of pricks.









Read and post comments | Send to a friend


25 Responses

  1. I like the second email best. Hey, send it. Its only a job when its all said and done.

  2. Indeed but if I don't have it then I'm going to end up homeless, carless and living in my mum and dad's spare room with Mr Vicola and the dog. This would not be ideal. However should I ever hand in my notice and have my reference in my hand, I shall send emails to each and every person who has narked me off, highlighting exactly what their flaws are…

  3. So you place that much importance on eating. Come to think of it, old habits do die hard, I suppose. Think of the next life. Hopefully, they will come back as rats or something…

  4. I'm rather hoping they come back as mere minions whose requests for help or information are entirely ignored by some supercilious twat with a power complex….

  5. some supercilious twat with a power complex…. Now who would you have in mind for that?

  6. I like the second email too – although I do take your point about being plunged into abject poverty.
    At my work if I need information from Fembot (for example), I'll send her the first request – she'll do nothing which is as expected, I forward the same request a week later ccing her Director – sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't as she deletes her Director's emails and then a week later if I've still not heard anything I'll re-forward the email ccing in her Director and the Chief Executive. I've not had to go beyond this stage before she pulls her finger out of her arse, but I still have the Chair and the President at my disposal.
    Do you have a similar heirarchy you can utilise to expose their lazy incompetence to?

  7. I do, and I think I may start to use it. This time I'll send the email ccing my boss, the safety manager in. If this doesn't work I'll cc in the deputy MD. If that doesn't work I'll hand the whole thing over to my boss who will probably go rampaging downstairs to cause havoc. We had the same problem when the grant auditors were in. I had to get the start dates of a few people and when I asked beancounter's bitch for these he told me I couldn't have them till next week as he was far too busy to help. The auditor was set next to me tapping his fingers on the desk and I had to send my boss downstairs to extract it from him. But when he rings up here looking for something he expects an instant answer. Well he can fuck right off, I'm FAR too busy this year, I'll get him the info he requires in say, June of 2011.

  8. My Fembot equivalent – aka Mrs Passive Agressive, or Mrs Pain in the Arse, if you prefer – in this firm has just sent me an email telling me her boss can't come to all the meetings around the country that I set up anymore because she's so busy (what with being offered a peerage y'know – good grief). I know. I told her this about 4 months ago and said I'd sort cover if she just lets me know which meets her boss does want to go to. She's had the full list for yonks.
    This has come up now because I offered to sort travel for her boss and me for a Scotland trip in a couple of weeks. Her boss can't do it – which is weird, because the silly caah confirmed it with me only last week.
    I give up.

  9. They drive you daft don't they? Work would be so much easier if we didn't have to put up with other people.

  10. Yup. God only knows what Mrs PA is going to be like once her boss is a bloody baroness – she's insufferable enough as it is. Her job is 'Keeper of the Diary'. That is pretty much all of her job. We found out recently that when she offers dates in the sacred diary, she doesn't actually pencil anything in and then not offer said dates to other people until you confirm which suits the other attendees you're dealing with. Oh no – she just keeps on handing out the dates willy nilly and fucks the rest of us about something chronic. How she keeps her friggin' job just beggars belief.
    Ahem. Rant over. I'll get me coat.

  11. Tetchy this morning, V?
    Like Snowy, I prefer the second email. Had I been the wanker it was directed at, I would happily have filled in my questionnaire without making a complaint about your email – because you're right.
    People 'in power' really piss me off because they are for some reason under the impression they are too important to worry themselves with petty questionnaires which will keep them in a job.
    Ah well, if all else fails you could do what our company does. We bought our IIP award. We didn't earn it, trust me, I speak to a lot of people in here and know none of them are happy. This company invests in those who know of buzz words. And they are not people. I appreciate the ISO award is completely different but at the end of the day, cold hard cash pays.

  12. Go kick some backside V. I think you should have sent the email you wanted.

  13. They sound like a right pair of douchebags. I almost want them to ignore it again so you can get someone higher up to have to tell them off, but then it just means more hassle for you, and likely not enough trouble for them to make it worthwhile.

  14. Keep a copy of that second email Vicola. One day you might be in a position to get some real value from "accidentally" sending it. 🙂

  15. You are far more patient than I.First request ignored … fine. Second request ignored … not so fine. I'd go straight to my boss with a "They're doing it again" rant, and tell him I'd try one more time. The cc'ing it idea is also a good one. I'd be tempted to cc ALL correspondence to these 2 since they always seem to be a problem.

  16. I can totally relate…

  17. I would have sent the second version – a much clearer form of communication!

  18. To take an unpopular stance…(I know, I know…but I'm used to it Earthlings), back in the dark ages when i was employed by others, I sometimes got dumb-ass health and safety requests for information, which i summarily ignored. This was not due to any power complex, but rather to honesty.
    Let's face it, the whole "is your chair/monitor/mouse-pad working for you" is a ginormous waste of fucking time. They are NEVER ok. They suck. They are third hand pieces of shit at hobbit height and will give you carpal tunnel just by looking at them never mind using them. So I ignored these RFIs until said H&S robot was sent to "speak with me". At which point I told Bobby, the H&S guy that I could not in good conscience fill it in as I wanted him to keep his job.
    When he looked confused I handed him a hardcopy print out of his questionnaire filled in accurately and asked him if he really wanted that. He perused it, blanched, then thought I was joking and became relieved at which point I said he was welcome to it as my official entry. He blanched again and said "no please". At which point I told him to never bother me agin with any such stupid ass form which I had just proved would NEVER be actually acted upon. And if he did need such forms with my name on it then he was welcome to fill them in for me and sign them too on my behalf. He looked shocked at my suggestion that he forge my signature. Then he realised the alternative and said thanks and left. Never had to bother with one of those completely and utterly useless bits of bullshit paper again.
    So that's my 2 cents.

  19. I'm always tetchy in the morning Pete, it's my default setting. Had this pair of prize planks just ignored me the once I wouldn't bother, after all I have been known to ignore the odd email myself if it's a particularly stupid one from he who shall remain nameless but is fucking useless. No, these twats gave ignored every single request for help or information that I have ever asked for. And I've been here 7 years. That's a lot of ignoring. But if THEY want something from you, you're expected to drop everything and deal with it instantly. Well they can kiss mine because if they think they're the only ones who can operate a policy of non cooperation then they're mistaken, And if we get a non conformance from the auditor because we've ignored his comment it won't be my backside that gets kicked because it won't be my fault.

  20. Thing is that the guy who audited the company for our accreditation (which we need if we're not going to lose every single tender we ever send in and all end up unemployed) said we have to do it otherwise we get marked down. And if we get marked down too often we lose the accreditation. I don't give a fuck if people have a shit chair and computer and I really don't want to read 40 copies of the same whinge about chairs and the heat in the office in summer but it really isn't optional for either me or the people filling them in. And if they really can't be arsed doing it properly there is always the option of printing it out, ticking 'yes' next to every question and wanging it in the pigeonhole. 30 seconds effort, maximum. As opposed to having to scan it, read it, log it and record any actions required then sending findings on to line managers, which is what I have to do. These two fucktards aren't making a stand against health and safety, they are making a stand against having to anything requested of them by someone who doesn't have the word 'manager' in their job title.

  21. Oh one day, when I go to work somewhere else, I will be sending a number of emails that have been floating around in my head for some time….

  22. Ah see, that's the one benefit of working shifts. I get to be tetchy 24/7 because I have no morning or evening! Every cloud and all that.There are some people in this world who shouldn't be in a position of work, never mind an alleged position of power. These people wouldn't be fit to scrape the dogshit from the cracks of my soles. Good luck on the ignorance front, but part of me is thinking you're way too professional to allow this to affect your career, or the company's position anyway.

  23. Ah for the chance to be tetchy all the time….I have regular work patterns so am knackered first thing, tetchy mid-morning to early afternoon, relatively cheerful 2 till 4 as we're on the home stretch to leaving work and then can be anything from irritatingly chirpy to homicidal from 4 till bed at 10.30, depending on circunstance…..You get to vary it because of your shifts, adding a little bit of excitement to the day (or night)…

  24. Agreed, but in thinking about it, the downside is that I can only be tetchy with myself at certain times of the night. I work alone, which apparently is illegal, but according to the company I work for, because we have cameras in some rooms which may or may not cover all areas of the room it's not. I could keel over at 8pm one night and not be found until some time after 7am the next morning because 95% of the sealed room in which I work is not covered by camera. Oh well…This morning, I am mildly irritable.

  25. Mildly irritatble is pretty impressive for a monday morning. I am still too tired to be properly tetchy yet but have managed to achieve 'very grumpy'….

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: