Advice to our politicians in the run up to the general election.

Well once again that time is upon us. Just when we'd begun to forget the revolting display of poor grace, bad manners and pointless mud-slinging that was the last general election, another one rolls along and since the competition is promising to be more closely run, it promises to be even more stomach churningly ridiculous than the last one. In fact the shit-slinging has already started. So, in light of this, I'd like to offer a few pieces of advice to our politicos.

Stick to policies, not personalities.
Ever since Tony "I am Satan's Handmaiden' Blair ascended to power, politics has been less and less about what a government is doing or promising and more about the brand the PR people manage to weave around each character. Let me share a little secret – I personally do not give a fuck if David Cameron was brought up in the Queen's household, put to bed in a solid gold cradle and encouraged to spend his childhood chasing peasantry round the countryside on horseback. Neither do I give a rat's backside if Gordon Brown was brought up in a shoebox blessed by the Methodist Church, with 48 other poor-as-church-mice children and now spends his time hanging researchers by their feet from the chandeliers of Westminster in order to make it easier for him to beat them with birch twigs. I would make some comparison with Nick Clegg as well but frankly I know nothing about him and he's too nondescript for me to bother researching. What I care about is what Labour/ Conservatives/ Lib Dems will do about the fact that the country's finances are screwed, the government has vastly overspent and the books don't balance. I want to know when we're going to pull out of Afghanistan, not whether the shadow treasury minister is so posh that he learned Latin at school. I don't give a bugger about the individual ministers, they're interchangable and will be replaced as soon as they're caught in bed with someone who isn't their spouse or fiddling their expenses claims. I want to know what the party stands for and if the politician is opening his mouth to tell me that someone or other's wife earns loads of money yet he still claims housing expenses then he can just bloody well shut it again because I'm really not interested. Stop behaving like kids in the schoolyard and stick to the matters that count.

Stick to the issue and don't bore me with irrelevances
This election is looking increasingly like it's going to be fought on class lines and the latest crap about Lord Ashcroft is a perfect case in point. Conservative donor Lord Ashcroft has come out and revealed that he's a non-dom and hasn't been paying UK income tax on money earned abroad. Leaving aside the fact that I don't see why he should be paying income tax on money earned somewhere else, he's now come clean. What he did wasn't illegal and is being done by a couple of high placed Labour personalities as well. In other words they're all at it. So no, Lord Mandelson, we don't need a fucking inquiry into the matter. We don't need one because Ashcroft has come clean about his tax status and so that should be an end to it, there's no need to waste more public finances on an inquiry that will reveal what Ashcroft has already revealed. It may suit your class fight agenda to drag this out for frigging months but it's already grinding the gears of the public. Added to which, politicians rattling on about others not paying all the tax they should are on something of a sticky wicket, given how many of them were revealed to have flipped their second homes to avoid paying capital gains tax.

Cut the class crap
I've spent a week listening to ridiculous debates about fox hunting. Let's be clear – if something isn't done to curb government spending we will go bankrupt, the NHS is a mess, a large number of kids are emerging from state education illiterate and unable to count once they run out of fingers and we've run out of prison places. Do these people really think that I count whether or not red-faced colonels on horses should be allowed to chase the 'ickle fluffy foxes across fields as one of the most pressing issues in this election? Because if they do they're even more fucking insane than I thought. It's another tactic from the revolting spin teams at no 10 to rouse the rabble to the flag and paint the opposition as toffs who spend all day sipping claret out of the hollowed out skull of a tenant farmer. Which is ludicrous given that a cabinet minister earns £120k basic plus expenses so Labour's key figures have hardly stepped straight out of 'Oliver Twist'. The Conservatives have not yet let rip with their own spin salvo but I suspect it'll be on its way very soon and it'll no doubt piss me off. Let's be clear – I don't give a shit about class issues, especially since these days ALL main parties are middle class, not the traditional working class Labour, middle/upper class Conservative. Those days are gone and I don't need some tit with a qualification in PR trying to resurrect them for political gain.

The election isn't likely to be until May, that means a whole two months of this crap. Give me strength. Or, more pertinently, give me information, information on what you're going to do about the economy, the increasing state interference in our lives, the encroachment on our civil liberties, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the lack of equipment and compensation for our troops, antisocial behaviour from feral kids. Just don't tell me that the Health Secretary's uncle is a bin-raiding alcoholic who once got nicked for stealing cider from Tesco. Because I really don't care.

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9 Responses

  1. Nail on the head as usual. Might I suggest you forward this to the bods at Question Time? G'wan ….

  2. [esto es genial]

  3. Great commentary once again Vicola. At present things are not quite as bad here even though we have an election approaching too.Refreshingly we have a Prime Minister who is not afraid to admit when mistakes have been made, apologise for them and get on with rectifying matters.I hope all your politicians read your blog.

  4. I want them to discuss hunting! Politician hunting. Stole money, caught corrupting and blackmailing and lying? A licence can now be issued on you. We can have different levels of them…say from egg-throwing right up to hang from nearest lampost….I'd become a professional hunter on the spot. Taking safari parties from other countries to hang around Westminster and select the licenced politicians for this noble sport.

  5. They'd never allow anything as fruity as that on Question Time, it has to be wiffly nonsense that the politicians can bandy about without ever actually answering….

  6. I seriously doubt any of them do. Otherwise my phone and house would have been bugged. Our government doesn't like dissenters of any variety, hence the raft of measures that are ostensibly aimed at the shadowy 'terrorist' but are worded so that they be applied with equal devastation to anyone they don't like. It's just one of the many reasons I hate them. So to MI5, if you're reading this and you're planning to come round and put bugs in the house while I'm out – don't use the downstairs bog, it's broken.

  7. Or, we could replace 'foxes' with 'politicians'. Release the politicians into the countryside, give them half an hour to huff and puff their way over the horizon then…release the hounds. Away we all go, on horseback. after the suitclad scallywag and we hunt him to ground. Hurrah!

  8. politician hunting,now this sounds good,maybe just paint guns but still alot of fun.

  9. Amen! Someone who is able to express what I've been thinking for so long (different country, different politicians – same crap) I am in for the hunting – someone willing to show me how to ride? 😉

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