Updated nursery rhymes for Britain today

Having recently spent some time with a friend's little boy and heard her singing nursery rhymes to him, it occurred to me that these little rhymes are now hopelessly out of date and are teaching today's sproglets nothing about living in modern Britain. This is no use at all, we don't want our kids growing up with a ridiculous romantic notion of the world (which I'm sure is against government guidelines, as most things are) and it's time to update the rhymes so kids learn about Britain today.

Georgie Porgie
Georgie Porgie pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry
This is technically known as 'sexual assault'
And explains why Goergie has been put on the sex offender's register until he's 50.

Twinkle twinkle little star
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are,
However if I want to find out I'm going to have to look it up on Google
Because the national curriculum no longer has time for science in between learning about socialism, diveristy and why James in 5B has 3 dads.

The Grand old Duke of York
The grand old Duke of York, he had ten thousand men,
He marched them up to the top of the hill,
And he marched them down again.
He then marched straight into an industrial tribunal,
Where he was charged with breaching the European Working Time Directive by not providing adequate rest breaks and welfare facilities
And done under the equality rules for not having enough women, transgender or ehtnic minorities numbered among his ten thousand.

Dr Foster
Dr Foster went to Gloucester
In a shower of rain
But it was alright because on call doctors drive fancy-pants Range Rovers which can cope with most adverse weather conditions.

Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water,
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
This is what happens when you embark on an activity without proper analysis of ground conditions
And a full risk assessment.

Ladybird, Ladybird
Ladybird, ladybird fly away home,
Your house is on fire and your children are gone.
They've been taken into care by Social Services
And are now learning how to pick locks and hotwire cars
From some miniature delinquents in a children's home in Dagenham.

Baa baa black sheep
Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes, but I prefer to be referred to as a 'sheep of alternative coloration'
and I can't guarantee that my product is 100% free of any traces of nuts.

Half a pound of tuppenny rice
Half a pound of tuppenny rice, half a pound of treacle
Will not only cause all your teeth to fall out but can also lead to obesity, diabetes, strokes, heart disease, the collapse of the NHS, the end of days and being referred to as 'lard arse' at school.

It's raining, It's pouring
It's raining, it's pouring,
And this is because of climate change, caused exclusively by your evil parents who don't like taking the bus because it's full of weirdos and people that smell of wee so instead use the Audi. If they don't cut this out then you're definately going to drown in the resulting 500ft tidal wave before you're 20.

Sing a song of sixpence
Sing a song of sixpence, a pocket full of rye,
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie,
Is not only against RSPCA rules on animal cruelty but is also a faff to make. It's miles easier to wang a microwave dinner on than piss about with pastry and live birds.

There was a crooked man
There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile,
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse
And they all lived together in a little crooked house.
However they aren't going to be living in it for much longer as the local council have issued a notice ordering the crooked man to tear down the house and rebuild as it didn't have planning permission and contravenes the building regulations. It will be replaced (at the crooked man's expense) by a nice, square-built semi-detached in a mock tudor style.

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18 Responses

  1. No wonder we are all the evil people we are … it's Mom and Mother Goose who are to blame!(I figured you were going to tell me the Grand Old Duke of York was brought up on war crimes charges by the UN.

  2. Oooh, I didn't think of that! Can't believe I missed it. See, you could write new nursery rhymes too, and with entertaining drawings to go with them….

  3. Splendid. I am particularly fond of the 'miniature delinquents' …

  4. Love these 🙂 You've clearly had a productive hour or so! 😀

  5. Very entertaining. I'm still wondering why Jack and Jill went UP the hill to find water when logic would suggest going in the other direction. Was there another agenda?

  6. @GOF, going 'up the hill' to get a pail of water is of course a euphemism for under-age sex. Or maybe not. Anyway.Nice work V. You've a twisted sense of humour. As usual.

  7. It was a slow afternoon at work….

  8. I don't really understand why the well would be at the top of the hill, surely water flows downwards so a well should be situated at the bottom of the hill? Still, I'm not a geologist so I might be wrong. It's possible that they were both just criminally stupid.

  9. Love it! You are too funny!

  10. Bahahahaha… that was too funny – I loved the baa baa black sheep…oh thanks from bringing a smile to me face 🙂

  11. [这个好]

  12. You're very welcome. glad you liked them!

  13. What can I say? Good stuff!

  14. Vicola are you married? Can I have your babies? Can you get cheap seats to Australia, we could have a Traveller wedding…

  15. I'm a woman so if you're the sex of person that I consider marrying the chances are that no, you can't have my babies because you don't have the internal equipment. Still, thanks for the comment, it's certainly much nicer to receive than the usual email grief I get on a Monday morning!

  16. Oh, c'mon… we could get a donor, it is all the rage in Oz these days.

    Then, we could 'accidentally' implant two embryos, and sue the clinic for the extra expense of raising the 'surplus to requirements' child – yay, early retirement!!

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