The Fridge-Witch is circling again…



Once again the Fridge Witch has swung into action, breaking yet more rules of toilet etiquette and just plain normality.

As I was stood in the toilet cubicle this morning getting some loo roll to blow my cursed, hay-fever ravaged nose I heard her approaching the lavs, coughing and spluttering. Of course she's heading my way, the bloody woman is bog-stalking me. Not wishing to be liberally sprayed with the germs from the 430th virus she's brought into the office, I shut the door. Now it was plainly obvious that someone else was in the loo with her but what does she do? Sits down in the cubicle opposite mine and starts humming away to herself while having a noisy dump. What the fuck?? EVERYONE knows that the rules of bog etiquette are such that you NEVER ever have a dump while someone else is in the other cubicle. Even if you have advanced dystentary you stand in the cubicle, hanging on, praying to whatever deity you follow, until the other person has left and you are alone in the room. It's just how it is. And humming while cranking one out in the company of a colleague? That's surely a sign of insanity.

But that's not all she's done this morning? No folks, the Fridge Witch is the gift that just keeps on giving.

About 45 minutes after 'Turdgate', I went into the loo for a pee. As I returned to my desk my phone was ringing. I picked it up and it's the Fridge Witch, who is manning reception until the usual receptionist arrives at 9. "I've got a call for you" she says. Well thanks for the heads up love, I kind of assumed that the call was for me, as you called my phone to put it through. Anyway, she puts it through and it's a chap I've got to rearrange a meeting with, who sounds a bit bemused. "It's not often I get a running commnetary from reception" he says. I ask him what he means. "Well", he tells me, " I asked for you and the lady on reception informed me that she couldn't put me through because you were on the toilet. Then she said, 'oh wait, she's just coming out of the loo, she must be finished, she's heading down to her office now so I'll put you through'. Not many receptionists share that level of detail". Really? Can you guess why that might be? Because it's utterly fucking unprofessional that's why. And how does she know I'm in the loo unless the mad bitch is spying on me. This is following hot on the heels of the 'coming into the loo while I was having a piss to inform me that someone was on the phone for me' incident. The woman is obsessed with my toilet activity and it's starting to scare me. I'm going to go down to reception in a minute and tell her in no uncertain terms that telling someone she doesn't know that the person they want to speak to is on the crapper is utterly unacceptable behaviour. Does she think the Queen's secretary acts this way? "Oh I'm sorry, her Maj can't speak to you right now, she's gone for a shit. You could hold but I think she'll be a while, she went in with a copy of Horse and Hound. Actually I'll just stick my head round the door and see where she's up to. Liz…Liz…you done yet? Oh right. No, she's going to be at least 20 minutes I'm afraid and I've got to go round the palace and tell everyone else to give it ten minutes once she's out. I'll get her to call you back".

The woman is a fucking nutjob, plain and simple.

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16 Responses

  1. I can see I live a dull life. Your account of Liz on the throne had me in tears. Er, the other throne…

  2. What kind of receptionist tells people ringing up that someone is on the crapper? The two blokes coming in to see me about confined spaces courses were still laughing about it when they arrived.

  3. That is hilarious but dreadful. Maybe you should ring up and give her a detailed account of exactly why you're off to the loo, how long you'll be, how many squares of toilet paper you anticipate using and what reading material you're taking. (This is coming from someone who just took her MP3 player to a quiet cubicle just to listen to Diana Ross, mind. This office drives me mental.)

  4. I don't need to tell her, the scary psycho bitch seems to just know anyway. It's not bloody right I tell you. I'm surprised she didn't just come in and tell me the guy was on the phone, it's what she did last time. She's nuts. Hiding in the loo to listen to Diana Ross is not a good sign. Have you ever considered changing offices? Oh, and did you notice that Chat! It's Fate was the chosen publication on Have I got News For You the other week? I saw it and though of you…

  5. Ha. I see you work with crappy amateurs.Sadly I can top your experience. In fact I may have referred to it before. When I was still employed by the slave masters that employ people, and for the final month or so of it working at some rather posh offices in the city, late one afternoon (…it may have been a stormy and windy afternoon or an eerily clam one….) as I had just sat down in one cubicle, along comes jovial phone-Jack.

  6. Thankfully my computer's broken so I'm in the cold side room using a different one. I'd rather be cold than dealing with colleague's madness. Have you had a word with the receptionist yet?
    I missed the C:IF week, sadly. I bet there were some amazing headlines.

  7. You're right Vic – nutjob. An autistic nutjob.

  8. Oh there were. Spectacularly so…

  9. With a toilet obsession…

  10. That is bloody disgusting. My brother used to do that to people, you could hear him chattering away through the door as he took some quality 'me-time' on the throne. I think my dad does it too. In fact my dad used to go in there with cigars, there was an ashtray on the windowledge of the downstairs kazi.

  11. Hahahah CIGARS??My God…was he celebrating the "birth" of each of his products???

  12. I laughed so hard when reading this I almost dropped my iPad into the toilet! I find "the stall" to be an excellent blogging place.And, of cvourse, you know I'm joking because you know from reading my blogs that there's no way in hell I'd actually buy an iPad.

  13. one up her,eat chilli and drink sangria all weekend then follow her into the bathroom and let loose with a natural disaster,and come out of the bathroom blaming it on her…………..

  14. You are restrained, aren't you? You've left out details of her poo, the grunting, groaning and whether or not there were any lingering after-effects.However, a small point: a place I used to work at in London had a gents bog with three traps and three urinals on the 3rd floor – and 48 guys to share the 'facilities'. There was no hanging on. If you had to go you had to go and if there was someone in one or both of the neighbouring traps – as there usually was – you just had to let it all hang out. :)But yes, I agree with you, it does sound as if this woman is a nutter.

  15. I wouldn't buy an iPad either, not just because it looks like a bigger, more expensive iPod Touch (which I also don't own) and so is just a con but also because my parents own a nursing home for very very mentally inbalanced people and they buy a product with a similar name. It had NOTHING at all to do with electronics and more to do with toilets. Or more accurately the inability to use one.

  16. I can't believe what the 'Fridge Witch' did! Unbelievable! I loved the picture you have posted too – it conveys the idea of the 'Fridge Witch' quite well 🙂

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