Kiss and tell slappers

spud-faced moron

Once again the murky waters of celebrity stupidity have been stirred, this time by everyone’s favourite Scouse spud-face, Wayne Rooney, once again proving that even the simplest lessons cannot be learned by a man with the functional IQ of a stuffed raccoon.

This week it has emerged that Wayne has once again liaising with the world’s oldest profession, or, if you prefer, he’s been at it with hookers. To give him his due, in response to his enhanced salary he has moved up from a £40 bunk up with a grandmother known as ‘Old Slapper’ to a £1200 a night bunk up with, well, a much younger slapper, the delightful Jennifer Thompson. Now while Mr Rooney should and most probably will, be roundly criticised for his dalliance with a very expense call girl, attacking a man who is an utter moron is a little like fighting an unarmed man, so let’s have a go at a different target, Ms Thompson.

While the girl is not unattractive, she’s also not going to make men fall over in the street with her unearthly beauty either, plus being from Bolton she’s going to have a voice like a bag of spanners being dragged across a pavement. So it makes you wonder what on earth she does that costs £1200 a night. The mind truly boggles.What she shouldn’t do, if she’s a hooker, is kiss and tell, especially not in the manner she has done in the Daily Mail. Let’s have a little look at some of what she’s said shall we?

“Wayne chased me wtih sex texts and paid in wads of cash, he didn’t seem to care that he was betraying Colleen”. Well since he presumably didn’t get your phone number out of a local phone box, we can assume that neither did you dear. The sisterhood evidently not a bar to making a few quid out of shagging someone else’s husband while the wife is expecting a child.

“Wayne certainly enjoyed all our meetings and didn’t seem to care what he was doing to his wife. As a woman I wouldn’t want that done to me – especially if I was pregnant” – which would beg the question Jennifer, why do it to someone else?

“Wayne told us he’d never had a threesome before. He was shy and awkward” – My eyes are burning. Literally burning. Never should I have had to read the words ‘Wayne’ and ‘threesome’ in the same sentence. Never.

“I went with a few girls and the whole team was there…about half an hour later he held  my hand in front of everyone and led me away down these stairs. Michael Owen was looking at him in disgust. He made no effort to be discreet and I was embarrassed” – however not quite embarrassed enough to tell him to sod off it seems. And certainly not embarrassed enough not to tell millions of people about it in a national newspaper.

“You can love me or hate me. Don’t really care what people think” – especially not Mrs Rooney it would seem. And where is the option for ‘utter indifference except for a brief flash of contempt for a woman who would quite brazenly shit upon another woman’s world for no other reason than to earn a few grubby quid’. Being a hooker may be thought a dirty profession by some but to my mind it’s a deal more honourable than earning your cash through kiss and tell stories. At least it’s an honest exchange.

“I’m very much a family person. Nothing makes me happier than to wake up in the morning knowing I have the best family in the world and the best friends I could think of” – And mustn’t they all be proud of you right now? For such a ‘family person’ she’s shown remarkably little thought for what Colleen Rooney and her family feel. She also better make the cash from this interview last because she’s not going to be getting another penny from nights with premiership footballers now they know she’s indiscreet to a spectacular degree. I suspect the parties with footballers are also now going to be off limits. And since she’s now being blamed for Wayne Rooney being shit during the world cup she might be advised to stay indoors for a bit…

So gentleman, let this be a lesson to you – slappers have mouths that flap like a broken toilet door in a gale, learn from the errors of Mr Rooney and sport’s other legendary pork swordsman, Tiger Woods. Keep the mouse in the house and all will be well.

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20 Responses

  1. being from Bolton she’s going to have a voice like a bag of spanners being dragged across a pavement.

    Y’know, Vicola, I never knew just how shallow, dull and limited my vocabulary is until I read your blog. A bag of spanners dragged across a pavement….. that’ll keep me smiling for days. Which I imagine Rooney isn’t doing much of these days.

    • I imagine he isn’t. Once Colleen has finished with him, Ma Rooney will have a crack and she looks like a fearsome woman. No, Wayne is going to have very little to smile about in the coming months. Perhaps his wife will even leave him, as unlike most of the footballer’s wives that get cheated on, she earns a lot of her own money.

      And if you’ve ever heard a broad Bolton accent, bag of spanners being dragged across a pavement is accurate, it’s horrendous.

  2. You certainly have a way with words Vicola. I was laughing throughout this, not at the situation, but at your writing. Do you write for a newspaper there? If not, perhaps you should!

    • I write for Harlot’s Sauce Radio, just random things either taken from the blog or on items ther editor, Patricia, would like an opinion on. Oddly, a woman contacted me on Facebook today to ask if I’d submit something on being childfree and people’s attitudes towards it. If it got published it’d be paid writing and that would only be the second time so far I’ve made money from it!

  3. Lets face it, once Rooney walked through the door, I bet you anything that all she could think about was Max Clifford and selling the story.
    Surely our Wayne knew this, what a total knob head.

  4. Ugh. People make me sick. Men who cheat on their wives… and the women who help them do it. (And women who cheat on their husbands as well.. I don’t understand it.) I don’t have any problem with hookers, honestly, more power to ’em. But to sleep with a married person and then sell the story to the tabloids? That’s despicable.

  5. A hooker with flexible morals.

    You would think 1200 smackers would buy you discretion regardless of her other attributes.

    I guess she can advertise as cheap regardless of the asking price.

    Moralising when you are a party to the deed seems bizarre. What next? Will we see a photo op of her taking communion next week?

    • She must have been offered a serious wodge of cash for this story. Either that or she was too stupid to figure out that by selling her sordid little story, she not only makes herself look like a total bitch but also ensures that no footballer or public figure of any variety will ever pay her £1200 to turn tricks again. If you look, she is wearing a crucifix in the picture and apparently lists her religion as ‘Catholic’. I think she could perhaps do with a little refresher training from her priest.

  6. How did I miss that crucifix?

    Not sure priests are a good guide on morality though they could teach her about keeping “Mum”.

  7. Very interesting post. I do not know who he is but he made the classic mistake that has been made soooo many times before by famous people. It always seems to end up on the front page of the newspaper!

    • He’s a premiership footballer for Manchester United, one of the biggest teams over here. And he is a Grade One idiot. It’s not even the first time he’s been caught with hookers, when he was about 17 or so, he got caught doing it with a 48 year old Manchester grandmother known locally as ‘Old Slapper’. And she was mighty rough if the pictures were to be believed.

  8. I agree with Snowy….keep up the good work Vicola…we’re all learning a more colourful vocabulary here. 🙂

  9. On the up-side at least two of his sponsors, Travelodge and Durex, aren’t cancelling their contracts 😉

  10. Vicola, firstly I would like to take strong exception to your vile characterization of stuffed raccoons. Thieving little garbage pillagers that possibly carry disease and lice they may be, but comparing even their stuffed carcasses to Wayne Rooney is a low blow to raccoons all over.

    Secondly I would like to correct a few readers who instantly spotted the “crucifix” as did I, but on closer inspection I think one will find it’s more of a “aim here” marker for when she indulges her patrons in oral gratification. It is clear from her shallow morals that she has no common decency and despite the £1200 a night it is doubtful to me she understands that her mouth has better uses than talking, thus it is no surprise that she can’t even get the whole “facial” deal right.

    And lastly… Wayne Rooney. You just have to laugh. And yeah…I agree with you about the threesome…the mind recoils in horror at the thought.

    • I read a piece in the paper the other day where her dad was apologising to Wayne’s wife for the distress caused and stating that they’d had no idea what she was doing. You and your entire circle of friends and family finds out that your daughter is a kiss and tell hooker via the papers, that’s got to be embarrassing.

    • Hah. A target.

      Now I get it.

      Outstanding.

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