Wanker of the Week

This is our first foray into the world of wankerdom using the medium of WordPress. For our inaugural wanker, the world of stupidity has presented us with the prize specimen that is PC Alison Doyle. Looks a bit dull doesn’t she? Looks like any other hatchet-faced wench. But she’s not.

Ms Doyle was a police officer and in 2001 she made an arrest. Unfortunately the woman she was arresting attacked her and she wasn’t able to return to work and spent 8 years on sick leave from Northumbria Police. She was off sick for 8 years but was a registered PC until August last year, so technically employed by the police although not on a salary for all of her time off ( as in the UK after a certain amount of time the employer is not required to pay you and you receive statutory sick pay from the government). She argued that she should be signed off as permanently disabled, meaning she’d get a medical pension but Northumbria police argued she could work for them in a different capacity, perhaps in admin. Nope, Ms Doyle wasn’t having that. She argued that she hated Northumbria Police so much that she couldn’t perform admin tasks for them. Now don’t get me wrong, I understand the concept of disliking the boss, I once worked at a golf club where a good 80% of my breaktime was spent smoking cigs behind the bins and fantasising about what it would look like if someone accidentally dropped a piano from a jumbo overhead and it landed on the fat, angry bastard, whose main form of entertainment seemed to be enquiring at the top of his voice whether I was a moron. I understand, really I do. But I don’t really think taxpayers should be asked to foot a medical pension because Ms Doyle is pissed off with management. Hating your employer is part and parcel of the everyday work experience, if hating the boss was classed as a disability 80% of the UK would be on the sick so take your biro and your stack of filing and go do some fucking work you lazy bitch.

She’s also claiming for a few other little items such as failure to provide holiday pay: Now don’t get me wrong, but if you’re signed off, as in you’re not working, you don’t need holiday pay. Holiday pay is what they give you when you don’t go into work for a few days, perhaps to go caravanning, or maybe even venture abroad for a bit of sun. If you aren’t receiving a salary because you’ve been on the sick and an employer isn’t required to pay your salary once you go past the point when statutory sick pay kicks in there’s no earthly reason why they should suddenly pay you to take a holiday from the job you’re not doing.  

And my personal favourite, the one that really gains her the prestigious award of wanker of the week…

She has asked the tribunal to order the award of long service and good conduct medals covering her sick leave. Splendid effort you barking mad lunatic, long service medals for 8 years when you didn’t serve and good conduct medals for refusing to do admin jobs and demanding a full medical pension because you don’t like Northumbria Police any more. That shows a sterling dedication to your own self obsession and an almost admirable refusal to grasp the twig of reality. For this I salute you, very carefully of course because were I to touch you by mistake you’d be bound to sue me for something, and present you with the award of Wanker of the Week. Well done you.  Now you can go back to sitting in the corner dribbling and whining about how Northumbria Police is full of big meanies whose sole aim in life is to pick on you.


18 Responses

  1. Really? 8 years? By that time here, she’d be on a permanent disability at about 60% pay. But then, if it was determined she could return to do some sort of work, I’m pretty sure she’d not get even that … especially if she just refused to work.

    And the award for service when you’ve not been there … I’m going to try that with my work. We get bonuses for longevity, I’m going to see if they’ll give me credit for time I’ve not been there … like maybe the 30 years of my life BEFORE I was hired. That makes as much sense.

  2. What a complete and utter tosser. Her, not you, obv.

  3. At least she is trying to do this all by the book. Disability for Dummies.

  4. Do you have a Wanker of the Year Award, Vicola? This one must be a top contender.

  5. I think the holiday pay is perfectly reasonable. However, would that just mean she gets paid the usual “salary” for her holiday time. Given she’s not getting paid a skerrick, that should work out quite well for her.


  6. Wow. Are people born with that kind of nerve, or do they cultivate it?

  7. My favourite point about her claim was that her hatred of Northumbria Police was so bad it should be legally regarded as a disability. The stupid caaah. Let’s hope the tribunal takes the same view.

  8. Ugh, people suck. I think 8 years off is a pretty great freaking vacation. It’s about time she got off her ass and started working again.

    • Exactly. Loathing your employer isn’t a bloody disability, if it were I’d have been entitled to benefits on a number of occasions. The problem is increasing in this country, too many people think they’re entitled to a massive wodge of money for sod all.

  9. Wonderful and worthy virgin WordPress recipient of your prestigious WOW award Vicola.

  10. Would I be right in suggesting she hasn’t put her teeth in?

    I guess you don’t have to “dress up” to sit on the couch and worry about your next holidays.

    I think Snowy is on to something here. How about labelling them by week and having a grand prize winner?

    Paikea has a couple of hopefuls if you want to go global and are running short of candidates. I’d but nominating your PC Shiny Buttons too.

    • I did love PC Shiny Buttons, his zealous attitude to crime is exactly what Wanker of the Week was invented for. If only there were more like him, the world would be a far more hilarious place.

  11. What fun! I like this new category that you have. She is hilarious. Does anyone take her seriously??

    • Not the judge apparently, who overturned her disability certificate, presumably on the grounds that loathing your boss doesn’t class as a disability and if she was physically capable of doing the admin tasks then she’s just taking the piss.

  12. Hi, Vicola,

    It’s great to have caught up with you again. I really missed your excoriating take on the world and its vicissitudes. I tried to keep up but I had so many problems trying to log on to vox that I gave up. I don’t know whether it was vox being crap, me being a complete techno-numbskull, or my anti-virus program deciding that it wasn’t going to play ball; who cares? Life’s too short,

    I was particularly drawn to this WOW be cause she occupied the job I performed for 30 years and defiled it. I would like you to know that we are, (or were) not all like that. When I joined in 1976, the principal requirements were that you should be intelligent, educated at least to 5 ‘O’ levels, robust of character, 6′ tall (5’8″ female) and fluent in English and Violence. If you were proficient at sports, that was even better. I was no good on that last bit until the Course Chief Inspector, who fancied himself a bit, challenged me to a table-tennis match and I battered him all round the room, having slightly undersold my previous experience.

    I think the ketyphrase is “robust of character.” We didn’t suffer “stress.” We didn’t know what it was; we just got pissed after the nasty bits. It worked for us.

    Take care.


    • So now we know you’re a closet table tennis champion! She’s clearly deranged. Suddenly the country seems to be full of deranged people, it’s quite alarming really.

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