Wanker of the Week

This week’s wanker is the lady above. For anyone who hasn’t come across her before, she is called Liz Jones and she supposedly writes about the life of women today for the Daily Mail. What she actually writes is crap about the life of Liz Jones and if you thought I was a bitch with a habit of picking on other people’s unfortunate character traits then you haven’t seen anything until you’ve read Liz Jones. She however tends to skip the ‘humour’ bit.

Anyway, you may be thinking that all that is a little bit general, not really enough to be awarding her Wanker of the Week, especially in a week where we’ve seen that airlines haven’t been bothering to check whether anyone is putting exposives in freight, presumably because parcels don’t wear shoes or a belt. And you would be right, it IS a bit general, there is more to offer on the fragrant Ms Jones and it is this article . Let’s have a look in more detail shall we?

The title reads: Is there a man left under 40 who isn’t a rude, ignorant pig? Well there’s an interesting question. Surely something truly calamatous must have happened to leave her with such a wonder. So what was it?

Yesterday, I drove out of a car park in ­Kensington, London, to find the power-steering on my BMW had gone. The car wouldn’t move.  Not a great start Liz. In one sentence you’ve said ‘Kensington’ and ‘BMW’, already putting you straight out of the salary bracket of virtually everyone reading. And our sympthy is beginning to wane straight away. Why not just say ‘the car broke down’ instead of pointing out to us all that you drive a posher car than we do?

Thankfully, I was in a cul de sac, not a motorway.I stopped and tried to pull over. My car was one foot from the kerb. I put my hazard lights on.Next to me was a building site full of men in fluoro ­jackets standing doing ­nothing.They could see my distress when I began ­peering under the bonnet.I got back in the car, and on my mobile phone to call the BMW breakdown ­service to get the vehicle recovered. I was in tears. Still no one ­bothered to help.  Seriously lady, get a grip. You’ve broken down in a cul de sac in Kensington. You are not sat in a dilapadated Skoda on the fast lane of the M6.  And once again you feel obliged to tell us you’re posher than us because you don’t call Green Flag, the RAC or the AA like we would. No, you call the BMW breakdown service. Pretentious twat.  What the hell are you in tears for anyway? Because something has gone wrong and in all your 50 years you’ve not learned how to deal with a problem? Leaving aside the fact that a group of contruction workers who are trained in building trades; joinery, carpentry, brick laying, concrete fixing etc are likely to have the square root of bugger all idea of how to fix the complicated electronic steering system of a modern BMW, if you were a man in this day and age would you approach some hysterical baggage who is having a hissy fit because her posh car isn’t working? I certainly wouldn’t.  Given what she’s just called men under 40 in the headline I suspect that should this happen again she may well find herself without assistance once more. So what else went wrong for Ms Jones?

Instead, do you know what the great British male subjected me to? Three cab drivers drew up beside me, shaking their fists and swearing. It wasn’t even as if I was blocking their way.Another van driver got out of his vehicle and banged his fist on my car. ‘You f****** cow!’ he shouted. This statement leads us to believe Ms Jones, that you may have told us a teeny tiny fib. People don’t wave fists and bother to get out of the cab to call you names just for being at the side of road NOT blocking their way, do they? You were blocking the road weren’t you? And I’ll be honest, that sounds like an awful lot of traffic for a cul de sac….

In the midst of all this, a parking warden knocked on my passenger window. I wound it down. ‘I can’t hear you,’ I said. ‘Why didn’t you knock on the driver’s window?’Do you know what he said? ‘To do that I would have to stand in the road and I might get run over. The absolute bastard. The cad, the BOUNDER! How DARE he make your strain your teeny weeny little lady-ears just to avoid getting flattened by the stream of blocked traffic you just described. Lady, I have to ask because I’m genuinely curious…are you on glue? Can you really be that self obsessed that you’d expect a man to stand in a busy road just so you don’t have to make an effort to hear him? I fear you may be entirely insane.

It is young men — up to the age of 40 — who behave like louts.I had thought it was just my ex-husband who used to allow me to put petrol in the car while he sat warm in the passenger seat, but if my ­experience yesterday ­morning is anything to go by, it’s a generational phenomenon. What? Seriously woman, what the fucking hellski are you rambling about? You surely didn’t mean to type that. Mr V doesn’t put fuel in my car if he’s in the passenger seat and d’you know why? Because putting a fuel pump into the opening to the fuel tank of my vehicle is not bloody rocket science. It’s my car, my responsibility to put fuel in it. I can also check my own tires and put air in them, refill my own oil and, (get this chaps) change a tyre. Good god I must be some sort of men-woman hybrid. Or a lesbian. Because clearly in Liz’s world little ladies can’t fill their own fuel tanks, they need a strapping chap to it for them . If you are too girly to put a nozzle into a hole and press the handle Liz then might I suggest you are too delicate a flower to be on the roads, stick to staying home and writing your bile from there.  

Young working British men: you should be ashamed.Did this sort of foul-mouthed male really win us the war? We don’t need more aircraft ­carriers, we need men who are not rude, ignorant pigs. No they didn’t because you’re moaning about the under 40s. The war was 1939 – 1945. You do the maths darling. And in the war, women didn’t just refuel their own cars, they refuelled industrial vehicles and drove them (without the aid of power steering), they spied, they made munitions, built tanks, nursed, drove ambulances, helped fix planes, farmed, plotted aircraft courses and a million other jobs, without needing a man to hold their hands and without bursting into floods of hysterical tears because one little stumbling block had come their way. They were tough, resourceful and resilient. So it could be argued that women like YOU Liz didn’t win the war for us either. We don’t just need men who aren’t ‘rude ignorant pigs’ (and may I say for the record that the vast number of under 40s I know aren’t rude ignorant pigs), we need women that aren’t self pitying whiners who fall apart under the strain if they are left to deal with a frankly insignificant incident all on their girly wirly ownsome. Get a fucking grip you silly bitch, women fought long and hard for equality and a level playing field, you can’t now complain because that’s what we’ve got. Equal rights for women isn’t something you can turn on and off as the occasion suits you and frankly, if you were as rude to their faces as you’ve been in this article, I’m not at all surprised the builders didn’t help you, I wouldn’t either. Also, what of the women who walked past you and didn’t help? Mind you, they might have read your previous nonsense and be afraid of being eviscerated in your next column of crap so I suppose they can be excused.

So, for being a whinger of the first water, unable to cope with a simple car breakdown, being an embarrassment to womankind and rude to boot, I award Liz Jones “Wanker of the Week”. Now take it and sod off you irritating woman. Something tells me this might not be the last time Ms Jones receives this award….


35 Responses

  1. Well deserved award, Vicola. And she actually gets paid to write that shit?

    • Having googled it, I have discovered that the lowest figure quoted for what this boot earns is £200,000 per year. The other figure I came across was £450, 000 a year. She gets paid shedloads to write that shit. Google her articles, they are truly hilarious, there’s enough material in what I came across to have ‘wanker of the day’ for at least a year.

  2. Winnnnaaaahhhh! I know a few of her type who ended up making a career out of writing tosh like that in our local rags. I only see them once every 20 years, thankfully.

    • It is utter crap. I backtracked through some old stuff of hers and she really is that much of a whiner in every article. She must be an absolute hag to live with, it’s no wonder her marriage fell apart.

  3. Entitled much? Holy shit, this is going to put her in the running for wanker of the decade. Even my wife knows how to pump her own gas and she’s as girlie girl as they come.

  4. She’s a complete drag on this planet’s resources. We should throw her off it.

  5. I must have missed the part where she politely asked the construction workers to kindly push her car out of the roadway. Or, most likely, she didn’t want them to get her fancy car all smudgy with their grubby work calloused hands.

    • Ask? ASK? Don’t be silly GOM, she shouldn’t have to ask, the workers should be spending their whole day stood about waiting for her to require assistance so that they can rush over and provide it, leaving her with no responsibility for her own problem whatsoever. Ask. A woman as posh and important as that shouldn’t be required to ASK anything of mere construction workers. The snotty witch.

  6. How are the newspaper sales going for her rag?

    Our papers often complain about the Net but realistically the quality is higher on the Net dispite their whining to the contrary.

    • She writes for the Mail which is pretty much regarded as a hysterical rant-fest anyway. Which I guess is why she fits right in, the hatchet-faced whine-bag.

  7. First thing: nothing wrong with a pleasant wank, it relief tensions and makes rosy cheeks.
    Second: hysteria is connected with an inability to “let go” into orgasm, so bitching around like a demanding spoiled attention seeker at a certain mature age is the sign of a missed life not fulfilment and INNER bounty.
    Must be one of these girls at my boarding school who did not get picked up at the weekend by social over busy parents.Misery has many aspects.
    Posh hungry souls are hungry souls too.
    Blaming an all gender to not be able to serve “darling” the right way, shows that getting older reveals the inner substance in humans and wines.Some get spirit,some turn to lousy vinegar.

  8. Changes are coming fast our way, and some will have a rude wake up!

  9. Well said, Vicola. I have been reading this woman’s articles with horrified fascination for a few years. She was writing a weekly article in either The Mail on Sunday magazine, or Saturday, I can’t remember. It chronicled her relationship, subsequent marrige and disintegration of same, to some poor sod. He must have been really chuffed to see all his habits exposed to over a million people every week.

    I used to have some sympathy for her, thinking he was an unbelievably lazy, selfish bastard, then I began to realise what a precious little cow she really was and wondered how he managed to live with her without wringing her whinging neck several times a day.

    Any time you feel you are not already wound up enough by the twats who cross your path from time to time, just read her. It works for me.

    Pound to a pinch of shit she dies a spinster, a mad spinster, surrounded by cats.

    • I had a quick scan through some of her back catalogue and I’m astounded her marriage lasted as long as it did. If she’d been living in my house I’d have had her dead body buried under the veg patch in less than a fortnight. She’s a really genuinely unpleasant woman with no redeeming characteristics at all. If I were that dependant on men to sort my life out, I’d have more dignity than to admit it.

  10. As long the platitudes of such vacuous minds matters more to media than articles about strikes and work condition in an ending neoliberalism, we will see who s spirit they are.

  11. If only I could afford to be as sanctimonious as Liz 🙂 ……. I’m pretty girlie but I’m also extremely capable. I guess at 200,000+ pounds a year she doesn’t have to be even marginally capable.

    • She clearly thinks not. Apparently she shouldn’t have to sort her own life out, the rough builders sat around doing nothing (a most flattering description don’t you think) should be doing it for her. I’d be ashamed to admit to being that dependant on men.

  12. Cash does not fall from the sky, it has to be sucked out of resources and humans elsewhere. Each earning more than his true human needs, will have to legitimate it to humanity.

  13. you should totally send this in – somewhere – as a response to that article – do they have a “letters to the editor” section? – hehehe – awesome

  14. A very worthy recipient for the award Vic. Lizzy-no-mates. No, really, I bet she has no women friends – far too embarassing to be around a whinging no-hoper like her. Reminds me of an ex-friend who told me ‘But I don’t know how to work a screwdriver!’. Oh yes she did.

  15. Wonderful dissection of Ms Jones, Vicola.

    Did you say she was 50? Therein lies an explanation.

    Withdrawal symptoms from all the “younger than 40 men” who fail to recognise her exterior gorgeousness any more..

    She’ll get over it after a few Chardonnays.

  16. Being a narcissistic lost soul in need of confirming attention is not the privilege of any age, and the attraction between humans can transgress easy clichés. Having a rich inside life increases the external “gorgeousness” naturally , maybe that should be told to this surface repair obsessive era.

  17. She wants people to pander to her BECAUSE she’s female? Not to do things for people and have them do things for her due to reciprocation? Lucky she’s a dying breed – she just makes it more difficult for men to understand our generation. I can’t bear the thought of men treating me like a baby in need of help.

  18. Wow. I love the part where she says she is not blocking traffic and then says things that prove that she obviously is!!! Your comments were the best of all. I laughed throughout the reading because you made so much sense and said it in such a humorous way! Great post.

  19. I submit to you my dear that Baggy old Liz vomited such vituperance on the british male for a simple reason: At her age, not even a hard up Albanian refugee working as a brick-layer would deign to piss on her if she were on fire, never mind actually stick his dick in her.
    Dear old Liz is suffering from the well-known phenomenon that drives bitter old ladies bat-shit crazy: lack of penile entertainment.

  20. G…what happen to men in need of acting out macho ageism at young age,
    how bitter do they turn later ?
    Saw some with expecting fantasies too, confusing the attraction of their bank account with their own worth, driving sport cars where they get lumbagos from the cold air .

    Superficial people exists in all gender and ages, and the privilege to be a charming young idiot might not last .
    It takes inside filling of heart&brain to grow up and age wise.

  21. I’m new here – I came from Brennig’s blog!. What a brilliant post – I laughed my head off (ha ha bonk). That woman is truly vile, I have never heard of someone who expects everyone to pander them to that degree before. A well deserved ‘Wanker’ Award!

  22. On reading through it again, one other thing struck me. WTF did she look under the bonnet for? A button that said, “Press this tit to get your steering working again?” I know my way around cars pretty well, you had to when I started driving, but I wouldn’t bother looking under the bonnet of a BMW, or any other modern car for that matter, because, apart from topping up water/oil/screen washer, I wouldn’t have a forkin’ clue what to do.

    • Ridiculous isn’t it? Modern cars are so complicated that unless you’ve got PhD in engineering and electronics you’ve got bog all chance of doing anything more advanced than checking the oil and possibly changing a tyre.

    • As a passive-aggressive demonstration to the builders that she “needed” help?

  23. The actual technology in cars and other “improved” objects are made to make you dependant from expensive “repair and help structures”.Neoliberalism is only conceptual hot air sold in fancy bags.

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