Wanker of the Week

This week’s wanker is the lady above. For anyone who hasn’t come across her before, she is called Liz Jones and she supposedly writes about the life of women today for the Daily Mail. What she actually writes is crap about the life of Liz Jones and if you thought I was a bitch with a habit of picking on other people’s unfortunate character traits then you haven’t seen anything until you’ve read Liz Jones. She however tends to skip the ‘humour’ bit.

Anyway, you may be thinking that all that is a little bit general, not really enough to be awarding her Wanker of the Week, especially in a week where we’ve seen that airlines haven’t been bothering to check whether anyone is putting exposives in freight, presumably because parcels don’t wear shoes or a belt. And you would be right, it IS a bit general, there is more to offer on the fragrant Ms Jones and it is this article . Let’s have a look in more detail shall we?

The title reads: Is there a man left under 40 who isn’t a rude, ignorant pig? Well there’s an interesting question. Surely something truly calamatous must have happened to leave her with such a wonder. So what was it?

Yesterday, I drove out of a car park in ­Kensington, London, to find the power-steering on my BMW had gone. The car wouldn’t move.  Not a great start Liz. In one sentence you’ve said ‘Kensington’ and ‘BMW’, already putting you straight out of the salary bracket of virtually everyone reading. And our sympthy is beginning to wane straight away. Why not just say ‘the car broke down’ instead of pointing out to us all that you drive a posher car than we do?

Thankfully, I was in a cul de sac, not a motorway.I stopped and tried to pull over. My car was one foot from the kerb. I put my hazard lights on.Next to me was a building site full of men in fluoro ­jackets standing doing ­nothing.They could see my distress when I began ­peering under the bonnet.I got back in the car, and on my mobile phone to call the BMW breakdown ­service to get the vehicle recovered. I was in tears. Still no one ­bothered to help.  Seriously lady, get a grip. You’ve broken down in a cul de sac in Kensington. You are not sat in a dilapadated Skoda on the fast lane of the M6.  And once again you feel obliged to tell us you’re posher than us because you don’t call Green Flag, the RAC or the AA like we would. No, you call the BMW breakdown service. Pretentious twat.  What the hell are you in tears for anyway? Because something has gone wrong and in all your 50 years you’ve not learned how to deal with a problem? Leaving aside the fact that a group of contruction workers who are trained in building trades; joinery, carpentry, brick laying, concrete fixing etc are likely to have the square root of bugger all idea of how to fix the complicated electronic steering system of a modern BMW, if you were a man in this day and age would you approach some hysterical baggage who is having a hissy fit because her posh car isn’t working? I certainly wouldn’t.  Given what she’s just called men under 40 in the headline I suspect that should this happen again she may well find herself without assistance once more. So what else went wrong for Ms Jones?

Instead, do you know what the great British male subjected me to? Three cab drivers drew up beside me, shaking their fists and swearing. It wasn’t even as if I was blocking their way.Another van driver got out of his vehicle and banged his fist on my car. ‘You f****** cow!’ he shouted. This statement leads us to believe Ms Jones, that you may have told us a teeny tiny fib. People don’t wave fists and bother to get out of the cab to call you names just for being at the side of road NOT blocking their way, do they? You were blocking the road weren’t you? And I’ll be honest, that sounds like an awful lot of traffic for a cul de sac….

In the midst of all this, a parking warden knocked on my passenger window. I wound it down. ‘I can’t hear you,’ I said. ‘Why didn’t you knock on the driver’s window?’Do you know what he said? ‘To do that I would have to stand in the road and I might get run over. The absolute bastard. The cad, the BOUNDER! How DARE he make your strain your teeny weeny little lady-ears just to avoid getting flattened by the stream of blocked traffic you just described. Lady, I have to ask because I’m genuinely curious…are you on glue? Can you really be that self obsessed that you’d expect a man to stand in a busy road just so you don’t have to make an effort to hear him? I fear you may be entirely insane.

It is young men — up to the age of 40 — who behave like louts.I had thought it was just my ex-husband who used to allow me to put petrol in the car while he sat warm in the passenger seat, but if my ­experience yesterday ­morning is anything to go by, it’s a generational phenomenon. What? Seriously woman, what the fucking hellski are you rambling about? You surely didn’t mean to type that. Mr V doesn’t put fuel in my car if he’s in the passenger seat and d’you know why? Because putting a fuel pump into the opening to the fuel tank of my vehicle is not bloody rocket science. It’s my car, my responsibility to put fuel in it. I can also check my own tires and put air in them, refill my own oil and, (get this chaps) change a tyre. Good god I must be some sort of men-woman hybrid. Or a lesbian. Because clearly in Liz’s world little ladies can’t fill their own fuel tanks, they need a strapping chap to it for them . If you are too girly to put a nozzle into a hole and press the handle Liz then might I suggest you are too delicate a flower to be on the roads, stick to staying home and writing your bile from there.  

Young working British men: you should be ashamed.Did this sort of foul-mouthed male really win us the war? We don’t need more aircraft ­carriers, we need men who are not rude, ignorant pigs. No they didn’t because you’re moaning about the under 40s. The war was 1939 – 1945. You do the maths darling. And in the war, women didn’t just refuel their own cars, they refuelled industrial vehicles and drove them (without the aid of power steering), they spied, they made munitions, built tanks, nursed, drove ambulances, helped fix planes, farmed, plotted aircraft courses and a million other jobs, without needing a man to hold their hands and without bursting into floods of hysterical tears because one little stumbling block had come their way. They were tough, resourceful and resilient. So it could be argued that women like YOU Liz didn’t win the war for us either. We don’t just need men who aren’t ‘rude ignorant pigs’ (and may I say for the record that the vast number of under 40s I know aren’t rude ignorant pigs), we need women that aren’t self pitying whiners who fall apart under the strain if they are left to deal with a frankly insignificant incident all on their girly wirly ownsome. Get a fucking grip you silly bitch, women fought long and hard for equality and a level playing field, you can’t now complain because that’s what we’ve got. Equal rights for women isn’t something you can turn on and off as the occasion suits you and frankly, if you were as rude to their faces as you’ve been in this article, I’m not at all surprised the builders didn’t help you, I wouldn’t either. Also, what of the women who walked past you and didn’t help? Mind you, they might have read your previous nonsense and be afraid of being eviscerated in your next column of crap so I suppose they can be excused.

So, for being a whinger of the first water, unable to cope with a simple car breakdown, being an embarrassment to womankind and rude to boot, I award Liz Jones “Wanker of the Week”. Now take it and sod off you irritating woman. Something tells me this might not be the last time Ms Jones receives this award….