Royal Wedding – what tat would you like see?

In case you were stuck in a cave yesterday or you accidentally went blind and deaf I shall enlighten you to a little talked about fact from the UK – Prince William and his girlfriend Kate are now engaged. It’s wall to wall coverage. Every ruddy channel and radio station is talking about it. Prize for the most pointless bit of journalism must go to Sky News who sent a reporter all the way to Kenya to stand in front of some trees, in the dark and talk about royal engagements because Kenya is where William proposed a month or so ago. I bet their roving reporter is grateful he didn’t pop the question in a public convenience in Piccadilly Gardens or she’d be spending the next week sniffing in bleach, piss and tramps. Why do we need her to report from Kenya? I’ve seen David Attenborough programmes, I know what African Plains look like. And it’s not like someone has put up a plaque. Yet.

Yesterday the newly engaged couple did an interview and I couldn’t help but wonder what they’ve done to Miss Middleton. The last time I heard her speak, which admittedly was a while ago, she sounded a bit posh but reasonably bright. Gone are those days. She now has an accent you could use to cut through steel and the intelligent comments have been replaced with a sort of disturbing doe eyed simpering. I’m wondering if the Royal Household has given the poor girl a transfrontal lobotomy of some sort. “It’s all rather daunting but I’m just looking forward to spending all my time with William” she gushed. Pull the other one Kate, you’ve been with him for 7 years and unless you’re completely different to all the intelligent girls I know, you are well aware that if you spent “all your time with William” you’d want to kill him slowly and painfully in less than a month. It’s a fact of life. Sadly it seems that to be a royal woman you have to put all thoughts of a personality, job or spirit behind you and concentrate on looking pretty and not doing anything controversial. I was quite surprised that he’d chosen to give her his mother’s engagement ring. I mean it’s a nice thought and all but really, does Princess Diana’s engagement ring say “long and happy marriage”? Not so much, it’s leaning more towards “Miserable existence where he lusts after someone else so you bang other people to bolster your self esteem and ultimately die in a tunnel in Paris with your lover”. Personally I’d have rather had a nice diamond or something. Or a horse. Nothing says ‘let’s get married’ like a new horse. If you’re posh anyway. Or at least that’s what happens in Poshworld in my head, this may bear no relationship whatsoever to reality.

So far the collection of commorative tat has been rather disappointing. It’s been 24 hours, I was expecting some truly marvellous concoctions to have emerged by now but no, so far we just have the Asda mug in the picture. I’m thinking that most people are going to go down the dull, tried and tested route of mugs and plates and I think this leaves a gap in the market for alternative wedding related crap. Instead of wedding related shit that you bung in a cupboard to gather dust until your grandkids drag it out and laugh at you, I think we need a range of useful tat and so I present to you:

THE VICOLA RANGE OF ROYAL WEDDING HOUSEHOLD CRAP

  • Wills and Kate loo roll, available with a variety of photos on it, in aloe vera, quilted, double quilted and, for the less affluent tat hunter ‘cheapshit that scrapes the skin off your arse and disintegrates as you use it’. Who could ask for more?
  • The Wills and Kate cake spatula, shaped like either a grinning Will or a grinning Kate – who hasn’t wanted to remove Victoria Sponge mix off the inside of a bowl using the flat side of the heir to the throne?
  • The Wills and Kate plastic tablecloth – covered with a variety of pastel coloured scenes from the cheaper tabloids and ideal for children’s parties because the little sods always tip ice cream and Coca Cola all over your table. Doubles up as a plastic undersheet if you happen to have a household member who wets the bed.
  • The Wills and Kate Wheelbarrow – Hand painted by people who can’t really draw but who we met in the pub and agreed to employ, complete with a plastic Wills glued to one handle and a plastic Kate to the other. Now you too can pretend you’re at Balmoral by wheeling the bag of horseshit you bought for the roses from one side of the garden to the other in a truly royal contraption. We take no responsibility for any injuries received if the wheels fall off.
  • Truly the jewel in any commemorative tat crown, the Wills and Kate 1kg bag of tiling grout. Available in black and grey.

Hurry hurry people, these items are going to literally rocket out of my shed so you need to get your order in early. And if anyone else has any great ideas for practical commemorative tat, now is the time to share them!

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27 Responses

  1. Brilliant Vicole – bruddy brilliant!

    I can’t express how utterly, utterly indifferent I am about this wedding that we’ll all be paying for in the middle of a recession. Will be booking my travel out of London as soon as the date’s announced ….

    • You could probably make a small fortune by renting out your flat while you escape to some mental loser who’s obsessed with the royals and is willing to pay you four figures for the privilege of being in the same city as their idols. And 4 million journalists plus 6 million other mental losers. You’re right, you want to get the hell out of London for that week.

  2. The only thing you know you won’t see is a comb and brush set. For obvious reasons …

    • Although you could have the ‘Commemorative William Head Buffer’ for polishing the pate of the more follically challenged gentleman to a high lustre sheen….

  3. Wow, I missed a lot when I did not turn on the TV yesterday!

    The items you mentioned for sale are crazy! What happened to normal memorabilia, LOL!

  4. I don’t know if you can knock one up, but I would really like a commenorative William and Kate toilet seat. I would like it to be clear perspex with their faces encapsulated at regular intervals.

    And for personal reasons I would like Williams face to be at the front.

    • Brilliant, the William and Kate toilet sear, I love it. Perhaps for the deluxe edition there could be a little device that you install so that every time you flush the kazi it plays ‘God Save the Queen’?

  5. I’d have Royal Wedding Sleeping Bags please. Because the yawns are already hitting hard.

    • Like it. We could expand that idea in the Royal Wedding Tent. You can either buy the ‘Wills’ version or the ‘Kate’ version. You enter the tent by opening the zip in the arse and crawling in. Lovely.

  6. Good one, Vicola. I think the toilet rolls (cheap) would be my pick. Put me down for half a dozen. They’ll make good Xmas pressies for some monarchist politicians I can think of here in Oz…

    • Who hasn’t wanted to wipe their ass on a major public figure at some point? Someone once bought me a roll of Tony Blair toilet roll, it was awesome and I used to save it for really special occasions.

  7. How about Wills and Kate fish wrap?

    • Oooh, Wills and Kate fish wrap, I like it. We could team it with the ‘wedding burger’, which is essentially exactly the same as a ordinary burger but with a little rice paper picture of Wills and Kate riding bareback on peasants or shooting fluffy animals or whatever it is posh people do when ‘at home’.

  8. SO not watching it. *Snore* My mom got me up for Di and Charles wedding. I even got to miss school for it. Lol!

    Spot on post, as usual, Vicola:)

  9. it’s all over the papers here, btw. can’t get away from it. can’t they just put cute animals on the front page instead?

    • Or fit blokes. I’d much rather look at fit blokes than a balding 20 something and his pointy looking girlfriend. Sorry, fiancee.

      • pointy – lol! – she’s totally pointy – did i ever tell you about seeing Wills very clearly from about 4 feet away in my car while his motorcade was passing me on the street after they’d gotten in to the airport? – i think the first thought that struck my mind was “wow, he really IS going bald” (well, after wondering why the windows weren’t tinted – lol!)

        i’m with you – fit blokes – for example Alex O’Loughlin – a fit Aussie actor i’m currently always happy to see pics of – heheh

  10. *yawn* Sorry, did I miss something? LOL

  11. All I want is the Royal Wedding Bank Holiday, please.

    • I will be so much more fond of Wills and Kate, or ‘Wate’ as I’m now going to call them because I can’t be arsed to keep writing both names. if we get a bank holiday for their wedding. I shall spend it in time honoured royal wedding fashion – half cut and armed with a bottle of chardonnay.

  12. Sign me up – I’d love to smear shit over Wills’ face. I have to be honest and admit I had no clue they were getting married. I am not 100% sure I even know who he is, and I definitely don’t know or care who she is.

    So is this pointless wedding going to cost me, the taxpayer, more of my hard earned coinage? There’d better be a bloody bank holiday week if so…

    • Yes it is, although someone the other day did point out that it shouldn’t because traditionally the bride’s father pays for the wedding and after show party. That must be a thought to make poor Mr Middleton lose his hair overnight. It’d certainly be enough to make him lose his pension, his company and his house overnight and that’s just the dressmaker and stylist….

  13. put me down for the wills and kate wheelbarrow – horsepoo is great for every garden

  14. I just want the gushing in the media to stopppppp!!! Phaaaknell, enough already!!

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