Royal Wedding – what tat would you like see?

In case you were stuck in a cave yesterday or you accidentally went blind and deaf I shall enlighten you to a little talked about fact from the UK – Prince William and his girlfriend Kate are now engaged. It’s wall to wall coverage. Every ruddy channel and radio station is talking about it. Prize for the most pointless bit of journalism must go to Sky News who sent a reporter all the way to Kenya to stand in front of some trees, in the dark and talk about royal engagements because Kenya is where William proposed a month or so ago. I bet their roving reporter is grateful he didn’t pop the question in a public convenience in Piccadilly Gardens or she’d be spending the next week sniffing in bleach, piss and tramps. Why do we need her to report from Kenya? I’ve seen David Attenborough programmes, I know what African Plains look like. And it’s not like someone has put up a plaque. Yet.

Yesterday the newly engaged couple did an interview and I couldn’t help but wonder what they’ve done to Miss Middleton. The last time I heard her speak, which admittedly was a while ago, she sounded a bit posh but reasonably bright. Gone are those days. She now has an accent you could use to cut through steel and the intelligent comments have been replaced with a sort of disturbing doe eyed simpering. I’m wondering if the Royal Household has given the poor girl a transfrontal lobotomy of some sort. “It’s all rather daunting but I’m just looking forward to spending all my time with William” she gushed. Pull the other one Kate, you’ve been with him for 7 years and unless you’re completely different to all the intelligent girls I know, you are well aware that if you spent “all your time with William” you’d want to kill him slowly and painfully in less than a month. It’s a fact of life. Sadly it seems that to be a royal woman you have to put all thoughts of a personality, job or spirit behind you and concentrate on looking pretty and not doing anything controversial. I was quite surprised that he’d chosen to give her his mother’s engagement ring. I mean it’s a nice thought and all but really, does Princess Diana’s engagement ring say “long and happy marriage”? Not so much, it’s leaning more towards “Miserable existence where he lusts after someone else so you bang other people to bolster your self esteem and ultimately die in a tunnel in Paris with your lover”. Personally I’d have rather had a nice diamond or something. Or a horse. Nothing says ‘let’s get married’ like a new horse. If you’re posh anyway. Or at least that’s what happens in Poshworld in my head, this may bear no relationship whatsoever to reality.

So far the collection of commorative tat has been rather disappointing. It’s been 24 hours, I was expecting some truly marvellous concoctions to have emerged by now but no, so far we just have the Asda mug in the picture. I’m thinking that most people are going to go down the dull, tried and tested route of mugs and plates and I think this leaves a gap in the market for alternative wedding related crap. Instead of wedding related shit that you bung in a cupboard to gather dust until your grandkids drag it out and laugh at you, I think we need a range of useful tat and so I present to you:

THE VICOLA RANGE OF ROYAL WEDDING HOUSEHOLD CRAP

• Wills and Kate loo roll, available with a variety of photos on it, in aloe vera, quilted, double quilted and, for the less affluent tat hunter ‘cheapshit that scrapes the skin off your arse and disintegrates as you use it’. Who could ask for more?
• The Wills and Kate cake spatula, shaped like either a grinning Will or a grinning Kate – who hasn’t wanted to remove Victoria Sponge mix off the inside of a bowl using the flat side of the heir to the throne?
• The Wills and Kate plastic tablecloth – covered with a variety of pastel coloured scenes from the cheaper tabloids and ideal for children’s parties because the little sods always tip ice cream and Coca Cola all over your table. Doubles up as a plastic undersheet if you happen to have a household member who wets the bed.
• The Wills and Kate Wheelbarrow – Hand painted by people who can’t really draw but who we met in the pub and agreed to employ, complete with a plastic Wills glued to one handle and a plastic Kate to the other. Now you too can pretend you’re at Balmoral by wheeling the bag of horseshit you bought for the roses from one side of the garden to the other in a truly royal contraption. We take no responsibility for any injuries received if the wheels fall off.
• Truly the jewel in any commemorative tat crown, the Wills and Kate 1kg bag of tiling grout. Available in black and grey.

Hurry hurry people, these items are going to literally rocket out of my shed so you need to get your order in early. And if anyone else has any great ideas for practical commemorative tat, now is the time to share them!