Motoring advice

Right motorists of Manchester, I think it’s time we had a chat about driving etiquette, in particular the use of headlights.

We live in a city, a big city and it’s lit up brighter than Beelzebub’s boudoir. The purpose of your headlights is not to enable you to see in the dark, because it isn’t bloody dark, no the purpose is to give away your position to other motorists around you. This means there is NO GOOD REASON for you to be driving round the M60 motorway with your full beams on, temporarily blinding the poor bastard in front of you.  That is especially true of anyone driving one of those bloody great 4x4s whose ordinary lights are capable of causing permanent retinal damage to anyone who happens to be in front and whose full beams are of such ferocious wattage that they will cause any small furry creature caught in their glare for more than a nanosecond to spontaneously combust.

And another thing. The law states that if you are driving a car you must have TWO functioning headlights. TWO. Your car does not suddenly become legal if you make the one functioning headlight twice as bright to compensate for the fact that one of them is fucked. So don’t be a cheapskate, pay the fiver to get a new bulb and replace the damned thing.

Now we get to ‘the laws of physics’. The laws of physics state that two solid objects cannot occupy the same physical space without catastrophic side effects. For this reason it is not a good idea to attempt to put your car in the space that mine is currently occupying. Yes BMW driver who this morning attempted to wipe me off the motorway so that he could get one car in front, I’m talking to you. Trying to bully me off the road by threatening to smash the side of my car if I don’t alter the laws of physics and suddenly create a space where one did not previously exist does not work for the simple reason that it isn’t my car. If you break it, I don’t pay for the damage, your insurance does and it doesn’t affect mine one jot as I’m on work’s insurance policy. They’ll provide me with a courtesy car until the usual car is fixed then all continues as before for me, meanwhile your insurance company will put a big red stamp on your file reading ‘arrogant twat’ and stick an extra 0 on the end of your next insurance quote. So cut it the fuck out, alright?


12 Responses

  1. Oh please, Vic, can I just interject with a couple of other additions to this?
    1. Red lights mean stop. Not think about stopping, not speed up just to get through, stop. Its not hard. The yellow one before it means slow the fuck down and prepare to stop, again not speed up. There is ample time.
    2. In line with your creating space rule, just cos you blat down the motorway right to the last second then indicate (if we’re lucky) and try to built your way

  2. Right I quit. No more phone blogging.

    I continue, if I am allowed…

    …correction from above:

    …try to bully your way in to the lane I am in does not automatically qualify you to get in that lane. I will drive like a twat (admittedly not as much of one as YOU are) and ensure you don’t get in in front of me, and no amount of beeping, shouting and swearing will change my decision to not let you in. Feck off.
    3. Driving up my arse whilst I am doing 30 in a 30 zone, or 20 in a school zone will NOT make me drive quicker. In fact I am that asshole that will drive slower just because you tried to push me to go faster. If you can’t read speed limit signs, get off the road.
    In fact, just get the hell off the road anyway while I am on it. And Vic. We both don’t like to be irritated when travelling by the sounds of things.

    • I too am the person that slows right down when some tool drives right up my arse. I’m also the person who glues myself to the car in front when some bellend is attempting to force his way in from of me in the queue on the sliproad of a morning. It used to be mainly BMW drivers who were the biggest assholes on the road but Audi drivers are now starting to make a break for the front of the pack. And the really annoying thing about Audis is that their headlights could sear the flesh from your eyeballs BEFORE they put the full beams on….

      • Totally agreed Vic, they should be pimp-slapped for having those kind of headlights. I suffer migraines regularly and believe me, the searing pain of the eyeballs melting in my head is second only to the bolt of lightning playing havoc with my frontal lobe.
        Your car choice is pretty much spot on but I will always have a secret dislike for the BMW range.

        Far from being a complete twunt, I do actually let people out from side streets, give way when an obstruction is on my side of the road, let people in who are quite obviously lost or not as familiar with the roads as they would be if they were from round there. I try and be courteous. I do unto others, though I am completely aethiest – it is out of respect for my fellow beings, however there is less respect these days than ever.
        I do understand there are some quite nice BM drivers, same for Audi. At one stage I believed they had to pass a separate test when they bought those particular brands of cars to build up a certain level of wankerism (yeah, it’s a real word now OK?) before they were allowed to drive out of the showroom. Seems not all human decency is dead.

  3. I too hit the brakes when some git tailgates me. I do, however, occasionally let people into the queue on the grounds that I have found myself in the wrong lane on more than one occasion because I’m new to the area …. This of course does not apply to barsts who try and push in just because they wouldn’t join the very, very obvious queue …

  4. I do not know if this is a problem “across the pond” or not, but …

    FOG lights are for when it is FOGGY, not just because you feel like making drivers approaching you feel they are encountering an alien spacecraft …

    • Oh but it makes your car look beefy and mean. Bollocks. It just makes you look retarded. I cut someone up (on purpose) on my commute to work one morning. Incensed, at the next lights this wanker pulled up beside me so I calmly wound down the window and asked what the problem was. “You cut me up, dickhead”
      “Oh, I didn’t see you on account of the pea soup fog we’re in today”
      “It’s not foggy though”
      You can guess what’s coming next, can’t you…
      “So why, fellow road user, are you driving round with your foglights on? Now who’s the dickhead….”
      And still on the subject of foglights, just because you switch them on when you have a defective headlight DOESN’T make you road legal, in fact 3 points for the defective headlight (or spot fine, whichever earns the twossers most in the way of costs) and same again for using foglights on a clear day.
      Here endeth the rant, before I explode.

  5. (Of course … you people all drive on the wrong side of the road anyway. Drive on the right and you’d have no problems …)

  6. My current daily commute is 150-mile round-trip that involves 2x trunk ‘A’ roads and a stretch of the M4. I count 1-in-10 oncoming cars with defective headlights. Which means that probably 10% of the cars travelling in the same direction as me have defective rear lights.

    As a car will fail its MOT with a defective headlight and 20% of the cars on the road are, logically, MOT failures, we need the polis to get of their big fat fucking collective arse and enforce the fucking law.

    Just saying.

    • Yeah but that would involve them actually working rather than just generating revenue from the useless speed cameras dotted around the country. Accident prevention? Fuck off. New car for the Chief.

  7. Nice serve Vicola.
    It’s comforting to know that those drivers in your country who seek to change the laws of physics actually have insurance.
    A lot of them here don’t have a drivers licence, car registration or insurance…..they just have slightly reddened knuckles from where the judicial system has slapped them with a feather on all the previous occasions when they were caught driving illegally.

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