Something strange is afoot in the countryside….


About a quarter of mile from my parent’s house is a country lane that runs into the Irwell Valley and it’s where mum and me walk the dog each night in a desperate attempt to make us as svelte as the hound. Well that’s every night when it isn’t raining and we can both be arsed, otherwise the dog has to make do with being dragged half-heartedly around my local park. The lane runs down the back of a housing estate into the countryside, past a couple of farms, the old Jewish cemetery, past some fields and the new Jewish crem and out by the rugby club. It’s pretty dark down there but I’ve never seen anything weird. Well there was the drug dealing but that’s more dodgy than weird and anyway, it’s just kids buying weed who ignore you. There was also the gay sex in cars period, where everytime we took the dog out he’d end up on his hind paws barkeing at whoever’s naked ass happened to be pressed against the passenger window that particular evening but when the police started cruising round each evening that died out. I guess this is what happens when you put a bit of countryside on the edge of a city, people use it to shag in. But apart from these occurrences nothing weird and certainly nothing uncomfortable, until this evening.

We set out with the dog as normal, past the housing estate, past the farm and as we rounded the corner we saw two cars parked outside the old crem with their lights on. And they clearly saw us too. Suddenly men swapped from one car to another, they started up and drove past up the way we’d come. So we assumed they were just an early season group of shaggers, until the first car, which had obviously turned round rather than just drive up to the road at the top, drove past us again going the other way and slowed down as it passed. Then we saw the other one coming towards us, there were clearly men in the back and it was slowing down. Now mum and me are not hysterical women, we are made of stern stuff but something didn’t seem quite right here so we decided to take the only sensible course of action – yes, we made an undignified scramble over a rickety gate into a field and headed towards the new crem hoping to cut through the wood and come back out on the track further down. As it got level with where we’d climbed into the field it slowed right down and we heard voices. The dog was helping no end with our stealth mission by running round like a twat and yowling but we persisted, aiming for the far end of the field. About the same time we discovered that sometime in the20 years since I last trespassed in that particular field, some bastard had installed a barbed wire fence, the car by the gate moved on round the track. We stood for a moment trying to decide whether to risk trying to climb over the barbed wire fence and and then looking really stupid as we explain to the nurse giving the tetanus jab WHY we’ve both got lacerations or whether to go back across the field and head up the way we came when the cars reached the point in the track where we would emerge if we took the way by the woods. And stopped. And cut their headlights. Decision made, we were going back the way we came, at a decidedly quicker pace than we headed there. So we practicaly jogged all the way back and emerged sweaty and slightly embarrassed into the housing estate and safety.

The countryside – clearly not only full of wolves and bears and roadkill but now also homicidal maniacs hunting in packs. And they say city streets are dangerous….


21 Responses

  1. But just think … you got more exercise than you would have without the ‘help’ of the men in the cars! (Lucky one didn’t get out and start walking into the woods …)

    Definitely strange. Around here I’d suspect a major drug deal going on.

    I guess that also means the dog is going to have to be satisfied with the park for awhile?

    • I did think major drug deal so I’m not 100% sure whether I should report it. There’s also been badger baiting down there in recent times and it might have something to do with that.

  2. yikes. whoever they were, glad you made a clean getaway (no tetanus shot needed)!

    • It was indeed a clean, if rather undignified, getaway. Not helped by the dog who thought it was all the most amazing fun and proceded to tear round our ankles shouting. Stealthy he most certainly isn’t.

  3. Scarey stuff. And good choice – discretion being the better part and all that stuff …

  4. Jesus Christ.

    I think you should report it. Report it in precisely this way – that you didn’t know what was going on, but whatever it was made you fear for your wellbeing.

    • I have now reported it. I don’t suppose the police will do very much but at least they know. They’ll probably just send a car down there a couple of times.

  5. Cheeses fucking Christ what a big pile of scared! I would have been cacking it. Real cack. All over the place. Big well done to you and your mum.

    • I’m with Brennig on the cack. I’m cacking myself reading it! I’d be reporting it too… it’s not like they’d put you in charge of ID’ing them in a line up, would they?!

      • I reported it the day after. I got a rollocking off the woman on the phoneline for not reporting it at the time but they’ve said they’ll send some cars down to have a nosy about. I’ve been down there a couple of times since then and there’s no sign of anything dodgy so hopefully they’ve found somewhere else to sell crack or whatever.

    • Cheers! We’re no nonsense Northern women so we’re not easily alarmed but something just didn’t seem right and generally it seems a good idea to follow instincts. Like the time I thought the cows in a field were going to do something so let the dog off the lead in preparation and then ended up doing a record breaking sprint across the field followed by an undignified head first dive over a barbed wire fence as the bastard things charged. Instinct generally seems to know best.

  6. Email me your password Vicola.

    I didn’t know you had posts protected.

  7. Oooh, me too, with the password.

  8. Shit, that is REALLY freaky. I have got iron filings running through my veins instead of blood and it would have freaked me out.

    I laughed my head off at the bit where you said that your dog was helping the cause by running around like a twat! Genuis gal!

  9. P.S. What is all that milarky about having to input a password to read a post? Is it X-rated or something? If it is, please can you send me the password.

  10. You ladies are made of good hardy no-nonsense stuff. I’d have been rooted to the spot most likely or done something silly like popped my camera out for the shot of the day! It’s always best to go with that gut feeling when it comes to safety.

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