Why is nothing to do with computers ever bloody well simple?

Why won't this bastard thing work?

Why won't this bastard thing work?


It should be simple. The concept is simple. I want to update the sat nav so that it stops bleeping at me for speed cameras that are no longer there and tells me about the new ones. So I assume that I can take the sat nav into work, connect it up to the work computer, download the TomTom software, update the little gadget and all will be good.


I plug the sat nav into to machine. No problems. I start to download the software. First issue – a message comes up informing me I need to install a ‘hotfix’ because if I don’t then my computer and sat nav may crash when I remove the cable. I don’t even know what a hotfix is. Now I don’t give a fiddler’s fuck if the computer crashes, it does it twice daily anyway so once more isn’t the end of the world but I do need the sat nav as I’ve got to attend some hideously dull ‘contractors safety forum’ somewhere in Warrington this afternoon. So I attempt to get the ‘hotfix’ using the link provided. Which takes me to some complicated techy Microsoft page that is full of stuff I don’t understand. But I do manage to gather the fact that you have to put your email adddress in and request this stupid hotfix. This results in an email sending me someplace else to download the bloody hotfix. It’s the technical equivalent of those godawful phonelines that send you from autmated message to automated message before cutting you off just at the point when you think you’re going to speak to an actual person. Anyway, I head to the home of the hotfix, which contains a slightly alarming message about how this fix isn’t tested properly or something and so must only be used for the specific purpose mentioned in technical message something or other. Whatever, if I break the computer the IT department will fix it. I click the link.

Which runs for a few minutes then comes up with some message about ‘am I sure I want to run this as the publisher cannot be verified and you should only run things from authors you trust’. ARGHHH! Well I’m not bloody sure now am I? I don’t trust any of you bastards because none of you speak in proper English and you probably all still live with your mothers at 38 and keep porn under the bed and body parts in the freezer. Or you do if you’re anything most of our IT department. All I want to do is find the new speed cameras and update the time on the sat nav, is that too much to ask, you swines? IS IT?

So I’ve given up until someone from the IT department arrives and can sort it for me. Bloody technology, why does it always manage to make me look like a twat?


14 Responses

  1. I think it’s IT playing games with you. I can almost hear them rolling around the floor laughing saying heh, heh, heh, we got Vicola again. I’d give them a good slap, and see if that fixes things.

  2. I don’t trust any of you bastards because none of you speak in proper English and you probably all still live with your mothers at 38 and keep porn under the bed and body parts in the freezer.
    Standard job description there, V.

  3. And to think you are only round the corner yet still won’t tell me to come and bloody sort it out. I must stress I keep only frozen veggie stuff in my freezer. Body parts just don’t do it for me…

    • You are of course the exception that proves the rule Pete, along with Brennig. I’m sure you two don’t have body parts in the freezer! I didn’t even think of getting you to come and fix it but now you’ve reminded me, I’ll be calling on you the next time I cock up what should be a perfectly simple task!

  4. Step 1: toss the TomTom in the bin.
    Step 2: buy (or get the company to buy) you a Garmin.
    Pilots have been using them since TomTom was an ejaculation in some pimply teenager’s Kleenex.
    Yes, the software updates are expensive but
    they WORK. That beats cheap & shit any day in
    my book.

    Oh, and you might look into the modern miracle, the papers with coloured squiggly lines on. I believe they call them “maps” or some other modern nonsense.

    • Maps? Pah. Maps are no good to the likes of me, blessed with absolutely no directional sense whatsoever. I like the TomTom, it’s easy to use and I understand it. Plus I can’t afford a hundred quid or so for a new sat nav….

  5. Vicola, try the following.

    Drop-kick the stanav over the nearest building.

    Use a map.

    Works for me.



    • Map? Map is no use to me because I’ll mow something down trying to read it while driving. And what happens if a road is closed and my route has to change? It’s like the end of days. Maps are all very well for people who have an innate sense of direction and are able to recognise where they are meant to be going. For those of us born without the geographical gene who have ended up with a kind fo directional dyslexia, sat nav is a gift from the gods and is to be obeyed at all costs. With the notable exception of that time when mine told me to do a u-turn on the M56 motorway.

  6. This “nothing is as easy as it seems” rule applies to everything in my life…

  7. Redhead Girl recently threw out her A to Z.
    I resisted twitching because it was hers…but later I realised what was wrong with her plan. When civilization collapses entirely as a result of a large solar flare that kills every bit of electronic kit on Earth, A to Z books will be the only way to get out of the death-trap that will become London, as it will be filled with mindless, starving, retarded zombie-like cretins who will barely know what sunlight is. And that’s just the office workers….

    • When civilisation collapses neither myself nor Redhead Girl will require maps because we’re only going to have to find the nearest course of food and water and we won’t be able to venture as far as the borders of the city due to the people-killing zombies roaming the streets. In the event that we DO have to evacuate our area then on this ONE occasion we will be happy to delegate map reading and the giving of instructions to your good selves while we concentrate on driving and mowing down as many zombies as possible.

  8. Doncha love the way IT offer a solution and then absolve themselves from blame with a disclaimer.

    They hating taking responsibility.

  9. I’d love to make a sensible comment here Vicola….if only I knew what a TomTom and a hotfix were.

    Someone once showed me porn under his bed, but as far I I know he didn’t have body parts in his freezer. 🙂

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