Corporate Wankery

Before christmas, I received an email from Big Cheese at The Client’s Offices, a man whose sole aim in life appears to be to make more pointless work for myself and my equivalent in other companies. It said:

All, on behalf of Capital Maintenance and for the H&S elements discussed during the MWAF Contractors Forum held on Monday, I thank you for your contribution.Following on from the Forum, I attach copies of the standard suite of “Safety First” Construction starter Packs that were distributed on the day together with the covering letter addressed respectively to each of you.

Whilst you have now been issued with a convenient number of suited documents, going forward, we would be delighted if you could produce further laminated copies and issue to your site personnel yourselves in similar presentation wallets (NB we feel that the transparent wallets give a special significance to the initiative each time they are issued).

 Best regards and wishes to you all for a happy Christmas and a safe & healthy New Year.

What Cheese’s ‘suited documents’ actually contained, was a poem which I am expected to put up on site, trying desperately to ignore the mocking I receive for this and the comments about laminated works of Shakespeare in the bogs, and a bloody poster that states how many weeks since last accident, last reportable accident and some other nonsense. Which needs updating every single week, on every single site and according to Cheese, in every single mobile van we have in the region. Aye, right. That’s really going to happen. As is of course his idea to glue laminated copies of the documents to the dashboards of the vans so they could be seen. I’m not kidding you either, the man wanted 4 A4 laminated sheets glued to the dashboards. The electrical manager promptly went mental and refused to have anything to do with it. Sensible chap.

Anyway, seems Cheese has been doing some more thinking about his little initiative. Either that or he’s completed Angry Birds and is looking for new ways to occupy his time. This morning I received this:

All, I am pleased that your CM construction sites are being provided with the attached suite of documents, which are being used & posted effectively.In going forward, I thought that it would be beneficial to advise how the initiative is expected to operate with respect to the Accident Board.

 With effect from 01.04.11., I will issue details that we relate to in  Competitive Tender Services, including Capital Maintenance, which will be represented on your board for the items below. I will then only inform you, at least weekly, if there has been any adverse activity to alter the total (UU CTS CM) & respective detail.

Therefore, “no news is good news” and you will then increase the weekly count by 1. Likewise, if your corresponding total is adversely affected, then you should inform me accordingly. In both cases, the running total will return to zero.

I suggest that we all share the datum of the week corresponding to 27.10.10, which is the date of  CTS last Reportable accident.

 v  Nr Weeks worked since last Reportable Incident –  Competitive Tender Services, including Capital Maintenance 21

v  Nr Weeks worked since last Reportable Incident – your “wider” Company, including other projects and projects for other company clients ?

v  Last Reportable Incident Details –  Competitive Tender Services, including Capital Maintenance 27.10.10, Fractured Rib, Daniels employee, TA Outage project

v  Topic for the Month – either  Competitive Tender Services, including Capital Maintenance’s Topic or, your preferred topic Driving Safely

 NB. The figs in red are current entries on  CTS CM Board for your information, which you can update your construction sites accordingly.

 The “Topic for the Month”, whether this is one you choose or the one nominated by  CTS CM, is expected to encourage a suitable degree of pro-activeness amongst your employees & sub-contractors throughout the month.  At the start of each month, I will advise  CTS CM Topic of the Month and vice versa.

At the end of the month, I should like you to provide feedback on how well the topic went, or otherwise. This info could then be shared across our MWAF Contractors, in the interests of best practice.

 Best regards,

This email must have taken him a while to write but I’ve got one tiny problem with it – I can’t work out what the hell he’s asking for. It’s couched in so much corporate crapspeak (and he does actually talk in this language, it’s not just the way he writes) that I can’t grasp the meaning. I suspect I don’t want to grasp the meaning because when I work it out it’s going to be something that fruitlessly takes up my time and achieves nothing of any value other than a kiss to the client’s rosy behind but for now I shall do nothing. Because it’s Monday morning and I can’t really be arsed wading thigh-deep through corporate nonsense to get to a meaning.

 

 

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9 Responses

  1. I couldn’t understand it either and I’ve had years of ploughing through corporate bullshit…but. I’ll have some of whatever he’s been smoking.

  2. I have no idea at all what he’s on about. must’ve taken him hours to come up with all that gobbledegook.

  3. I’ve got a Masters in Bullshit and Administration, yet this guy’s lingo is light-years over my head. If he puts his email address out in to the workforce, how long will it be before someone drops him a line to say ‘What?’

  4. In every construction job I had we routinely ignored all H&S crap that didn’t pose an actual imminent danger to life and limb.
    I actually told an H&S manager that he had one of two choices if he ever darkened my screen with his shit again:
    1) I would fill those forms in truthfully. Leaving nothing out.
    2) he could fill them out for me however he wished and forge my signature and NEVER BOTHER ME AGAIN.
    I never heard from him again.

  5. Be patient and eventually this human being will end up as a source of energy and fertilizer, which seems to be from the sound of things the one and only reason that he was put on earth

  6. Jeez, he sounds like David Brent from ‘The Office’. Don’t worry, his own asshole will eat him soon.

  7. P.S. I forgot to say ….. you should post more….. your blogs are really bloody entertaining! You have got natural humour which is really rare.

  8. Having a PhD in physics I have read many a research paper, journal article and thesis that made absolutely no sense what-so-ever on the first read. Even after disseminating the reports sentence by sentence I still had to go visit my supervisor to get the proper meaning of the author’s work. What I have just read in Mr. Cheese’s email is worse than all those papers, journals and reports put together.

    My favorite sentence is:

    ‘I suggest that we all share the datum of the week corresponding to 27.10.10, which is the date of CTS last Reportable accident.’

    Is “the datum of the week” something similar to Harry Hill’s ‘TV Highlight of the week’?

    Also,

    ‘Therefore, “no news is good news” and you will then increase the weekly count by 1. Likewise, if your corresponding total is adversely affected, then you should inform me accordingly. In both cases, the running total will return to zero.’

    makes no sense. So if there isn’t an incident this week increase your weekly count from there not being incident by 1, fine so far. Likewise? Surely conversely (?), if there is an incident this week reset the number of weeks since an incident to zero – ok makes sense. But the last sentences states that in both cases, i.e. incident or not, this number will return zero. What?

    Additionally,

    “I will then only inform you, at least weekly, if there has been any adverse activity to alter the total (UU CTS CM) & respective detail.”

    Why underline the word only? (see the original posting above) Does he usually do more than just inform you? Does he come to your desk and rub his “suite of documents” in your face?

    And WTF does the phrase “going forward” and actually mean?

    I would suggest that in the interests of best practice this person being removed from this post and be replaced by somebody who can communicate in plain English, or a monkey.

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