Dear Ambulance Chasers…

Dear Ambulance Chasers,

Let me thank each of you who has, since some insidious fuck-turtle at Churchill sold you my details, persisted in phoning me, texting me, emailing me and posting crap to me for your sterling efforts to secure my case. Truly, I have rarely felt so wanted, imagine my delight when I actually make the effort to get out of the bath and locate the phone, in case it is someone important, then answer it only to find that once again, David would like to know how my day is going and whether I was aware that I could get up to £4k for my accident. Lovely David, my day was going just fine but now there’s soapy footprints all over upstairs, I’m cold and there’s shampoo in my eye. So please, get off my phone line before I go blind. I have three major problems with the barrage of pestering I’m currently receiving:

1) I hate ambulance chasers. They’re driving up the cost of insurance, they’re weaselly little scrotes who spend their days trying to persuade pikeys that their utter inadequecy and inability to get through life without mishap is someone else’s fault when in fact it’s just because the said pikey is borderline retarded. If you’re too stupid to put one foot in front of the other without falling over then natural selection is bound to weed you out sooner or later and if you can’t see the object that you walked into then that’s your lookout.

2) I object to the insurance company selling my details. I didn’t give them permission to do this, I didn’t want them to do this and perhaps if I sold their chief executive’s details to some bunch of sharply suited cowboys who then took to badgering him at every available opportunity then he’d understand how annoying it is.

3) My accident consisted of a lorry smacking the wing mirror off my car. That’s it. A lost wing mirror. No whiplash, no injury, no problem. They admitted fault and it was all cleared up nice and quick. So no, David, I am not going to get up to £4k for my ‘accident’ and no, there wasn’t a passanger with me but had there been, I have absolutely no doubt at all that they’d have been as utterly uninjured as myself.

Now please, fuck off all of you.

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8 Responses

  1. I’m with you 100%. No, fuck that. I’m with you 150% and screw the maths. My mobile is on 24/7. I get legal spam SMS all the time, and by all the time I mean I get three a week. Usually at 2am. Bastards.

  2. See, though, I don’t blame them. I mean, every time I call a woman and she tells me she ran naked through the house to answer the phone I call her back …

    Honestly, I can see how annoying that is and it’s not right for the insurance company to have sold your info to anyone. Maybe, one of these days, when you slip and fall on the way to the phone you can sue them AND the attorney.

  3. There was a whole thing on the radio about this yesterday – Jack Straw is campaigning against it.

    Meanwhile, for a couple of quid, you could probably get their chief exec’s home address off the Companies House website…. la la la.

  4. Thank you for the phrase ‘insidious fuck-turtle’.

  5. There’s them and then there’s vodafone – who sent a text message to my landline at 6am – and left a really long, really loud voicemail message … which I could hear from my bed. Gits.

    Seriously though, are insurance companies allowed to pass on this info? What about the famous Data Protection Act?

    I have also been getting lots of spam texts informing me that ‘You are due £3750 for your recent accident – contact us now!’. I haven’t had an accident ….

  6. In Australia we have a “do not call” list and telemarketers are not allowed to phone anyone on the list. Before that we were all being driven mad by multiple phone calls each night. Now only charities, businesses that we already deal with, and the government may phone us, if our number is on the list.

  7. The CEO’s email account could be fun.

    Next time!!

  8. I’ll make you a deal Vicola.
    You call up the fuckwits who disturb me and I will call up the fuckwits who disturb you.
    I will try to sell them re-usable sponges. I think every household these days should be ecologically concerned about sponges and I will try to sell them my second-hand sponges, bath squeegies etc.
    I am sure you can come up with a suitable product to offer my own account improvers, insurance scammers, and ambulance chasers

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