Odd Emails

Recently I’ve had some odd emails come through to my hotmail address.

From a Mr Richard ‘Lonewolf’ Parker:

hey friend, lets get together and talk in privte on msn messanger im online madison19hall@hotmail.com just relocated, dont know anyone and i thought you were a cutie on those pics i saw from that site.
 
Dear Mr Lonewolf Parker,
Thank you for your kind message but I’m slightly concerned as to which site you are referring to, given that I wasn’t aware I was on any site. If I’m in the buff and have a tan on the site you mention, I should probably tell you that that isn’t me. I have never appeared in any variety of porn production and in answer to what may well be your next question, no thanks, I’ll give it a miss. Two small pieces of advice to you to aid you in your quest to find ladies desperate enough to have a kinky conversation with a total stranger:
1) Punctuation – use it. It makes your sentences easier to understand and makes you look slightly less illiterate. Think about your message, you just sent me an email, telling me that you are online is not really necessary, I didn’t think you’d come all the way over to my machine and slotted a post it note into the CD drive to make the message appear on my screen.
2) Richard ‘Lonewolf’ Parker? I see what you were trying to do here, you were trying to give the impression of a tall, muscular,rugged, outdoor, Canadian type who has been relocated off his snowy mountain into a city and is looking for someone to chat to. Unfortunately, given the message you sent and the addition of ‘Lonewolf’, I’ve got more of an impression of a portly middle aged man who lives with his mum, smells of feet and wanks over old copies of the Radio Times that contain Carol Vorderman. This does not make me want to ‘talk in private on msn messanger’, mainly because I’m afraid you’ll track my IP address and I’ll find you stark naked in my garden riffling through my bins. Word of advice, drop the ‘Lonewolf’, Richard Parker sounds dull but not actually psychiatrically dangerous.
Good Luck
Vicola.
 
From S Caruso
I saw ur pics on that site, and i thought you were extremely adorable. If you wanna talk private, maybe cam up, you can find me on msn messenger, im online right now, madison20up@hotmail.com … im 25 years old female new and lonely around here 😉 lets have fun babe
 
Dear Ms Caruso
Now I’m even more concerned about my web presence as you’ve clearly been on the same site as Lonewolf. What the hell is on there? Seriously? You are the second person to inform me that I’m on some site and I’m beginning to get alarmed that someone has installed spycams in my shower. Can you tell me if there are tiles in these pictures and if so, what colour they are? It’s a test you see, to check whether I need to get counter surveillance teams in to sweep the bathroom.
As I told Lonewolf, the naked bin-raider, you don’t need to tell me that you’re on line right now, you’re sending me an email so therefore you’ve got to be online right now. I might not be a chess grandmaster but logic hasn’t entirely passed me by. If it’s alright by you, I think I’ll pass on the offer to chat as your invitation to ‘cam up’ has me rather alarmed. I’m taking this to mean chatting on a webcam because other possibilities are frightening but since I suspect that if I contacted you by webcam you’d a) be naked and b)charge me £5 per half minute for the privilege, I think I’ll give it a miss. By the way, you say you are female, 25 and NEW? New? New to what? Randomly sending pervy emails to complete strangers inviting them to ‘cam up’? On the plus side, I must congratulate you on having a much better grasp of the English language than Lonewolf. Perhaps you two would get on, would you like his email address?
All the best
Vicola.
 
Who knows what interesting character I may find in my inbox tomorrow??
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14 Responses

  1. Evidently you are way hotter than I as the only emails sent to me are from old chidders about to croak from some strangely named disease I cant even say let alone type, or a reverend who wants me to launder some money through his church, or a job offer from China Oil Company to process all their UK payments.
    Bad times but take solace in the fact you’ve still got it…. Whatever ‘it’ may be.

    PG

    • Scarily I think ‘It’ may be the online version of whatever I had that used to attract every freak, no-mark, lunatic, drunk and social misfit to me when I spent time in pubs and clubs in the city centre. Seriously, if there was one person with a serious personality defect in the entire city, they’d end up stodd next to me in the bar, I’d be polite to them and then they’d trail me round for the rest of the night until it got alarming and I went home. One nutter actually followed me home in a taxi and tried to get me to let him into my house. Fortunately my dad was tall and my mother is ferocious so they saw him off as he was trying to barge his way in. And that’s before we go into the 6ft 6in rugby player who I went out with for a fortnight and who proceeded to stalk me for months, once ending up sobbing in my parent’s porch because I wouldn’t return his calls. Yep, what ‘it’ is in my case is a psycho-magnet, which is not at all handy….

  2. Perhaps Ms Caruso is a newly made female since the surgery…. Spam boxes are wonderful – I love that everything is captured in the same place for hours of entertainment.

  3. You didn’t know about that site with all those scandalous photos of you cavorting about? Really? Maybe you’d better have a chat with Mr. Vicola!

  4. It’s always tempting to reply to those things, but the downside is that your email address goes on a list of ‘live’ email addresses, and gets traded to every spammer in the world.

    • Given the amount of shite that arrives in my inbox, I suspect that every spammer in the world already has my email address. Bastards. I mean look at the name on the email address, does it SOUND like a penis extension or viagra would be something I’m interested in acquiring?

  5. A pal of mine recently got an email from a ‘Solicitor in Malaysia’ claiming a relative of his had died – you know, ‘send me £350 and I will organise the release of his fortune to you’. He called himself ‘Mr Chew Kok’.
    ps am sure you are spectacularly right about ‘Lonewolf’ aka Billy NoMates.

    • I’ve had a couple of those. My favourite was the one from an African ‘Prince’ who required £250 of my assistance to reclaim his throne. Once he had reclaimed it, he was going to reward my loyalty with £5000 and a trip to his palace. Lucky me. Sadly I was skint that month and had to decline his kind offer.

      • It was particularly good fun when my mate responded suggesting they meet at Heathrow and Mr ‘Chew Cock’ (oh yes, he did) should bring a big bag of cash …

  6. I have discovered Russian chicks go mad for me, the poor dears. But it’s a big improvement over the folk who think I might need Viagra.

    Perhaps I have been profiled and seeing as the Viagra isn’t required then obviously the Hot Chicks are next. I shudder to think that if I don’t respond they will think I’m batting for the other team and start sending me gay stuff. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that) ((I’m so PC it’s sickening)).

    Seriously, I wish I had a way to reply to these characters with the email addresses of the other characters and let them duke it out via email.

    • Can you imagine the fun that could be had in a conversation between your Russian girls and the terrifyingly named Lonewolf? It could be epic entertainment, right up until the point when Lonewolf gets kicked off the PC because his mum wants to use it for online bingo….

  7. I love replying to those type of emails and getting them involved in conversation. You can while away hours amusing yourselves with the mentalists. You should give it a go, it would provide you with further amusing blog fodder! 😉

  8. Whats wrong with Carol Vorderman?

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