Happy Friday everybody!

Today is going swimmingly.

This morning I got up, got dressed, trundled downstairs to put the alarm off….and stepped barefoot straight into a freezing cold dog turd, kindly left next to the front door during the night. Lovely. A bit of turd had gone on the bottom of my trouserleg so I did what any sensible person would do – I attempted to take off my trousers in the hall, resulting in a bruise on my elbow, much swearing and now, shit up the INSIDE of the trouserleg as well as on the bottom. I’m standing in the hall in my pants and the woman in the house opposite, who is often hanging out of her window smoking at early hours of the morning is looking at me like I’m a nutter. So I do what any dignified person with presence of mind would do – I hop upstairs on one foot, boil wash my shit covered one in the shower and head to work, leaving Mr V to deal with the chilly turd and ponder why my work trousers are in a heap in the hallway. By the end of today I’ll probably have decided whether to boil them or bin them.

So off I go to work, managing to lose one of my favourite earrings on the way. When I get there I discover that in all the crap-based drama I’ve forgotten my phone. Still, these things come in threes don’t they so I’m out of trouble now, right?


I open up my emails to discover that The Twat (client) has passed our details on to some other bloke who now wants to come and do a complete waste management audit on one of our sites, to see if we are complying with ‘legislation, best practice and The Client’s Waste Management Declaration’, a document so well hidden that I suspect it doesn’t exist and is just a phrase made up to piss on my morning.  Now the rest of the day is to be spent researching waste management policy, deciding whether I have to spend the remainder of this month’s salary getting the dog’s damaged leg seen to and pondering whether my trousers will be too short if I just snip off the section at the bottom that got dog shit on it.

Happy Friday people. Gin anyone?


7 Responses

  1. Jesus, V, you really do have them. I think we’re all (probably) blessed with absolute twats at work, but you manage to have a day of twat-events before you’ve even got to the orifice. I don’t know whether to congratulate you or sympathise.

    • I like that you referred to my work as ‘the orifice’. Was that a type or deliberate? It was accurate, whichever way it came about, my work is more of an orifice than an office. And not one of the good orifices either. Mr V did clean the main shit off the hall carpet but in a fit of rebellion he left the mini satellite turds that surrounded it, the swine. Fortunately this week has so started better than last week ended so I’m hoping to go the entire week without skin contact with a turd or losing anything important. Fingers crossed I make it…

  2. I couldn’t help but notice that you failed to mention putting another pair of pants on before leaving for work. I’m sure no one noticed the missing earring!

    • I KNEW there was something I forgot. And there was me thinking that everyone was gawping because they somehow knew about the shit incident…

  3. Rinse the shit off and give the trousers a (or several) good washing, they’ll be fine. There’s a metaphor for life somewhere in there.

    Have yourself a good solid gin, it’ll be Monday before you know it!

    • It is now Monday and the trousers are still soaking in the washing equivalent of Napalm, leant to me with many dire warnings about overly strong concentrations of lethal washing liquids designed for use in infectious medical environments. When I remove the trousers they will either be so hygienically clean that I could operate in them, or full of holes where the washign liquid ate them. Either way the shit issue will have been dealt with.

  4. Hope today is a better Friday.

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