Tuesday musings

Today is a good day people, a good day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, we are nearly halfway through the week and the client forgot he asked me to do a presentation at today’s meeting so all that stress was for nothing. Even getting lost in the horrendous collection of closed roads round Preston and getting locked into the client’s reception because the door in front of me wouldn’t let me in and the one I’d come in through wouldn’t let me out couldn’t ruin today. As an aside, the client would do well to rename reception to something more appropriate, given that there isn’t anyone in it, just a book telling you to sign in and a sign on the door that says push. A fruitless exercise given that it’s locked and you have to wait for one of the surly employees to let you in. Perhaps they could call it something a little more descriptive, like ‘sweaty holding cell’ or ‘room where our employees can laugh at you pointlessly buzzing about like a fly in a bottle.

In my meeting today I noticed that the man next to me had a mole. This is not newsworthy. However, you know how some people have a mole with a hair growing in it? Well this chap’s mole had MANY hairs growing in it. And they were long hairs. It looked most peculiar, a bit like a mole in a wig. After a while I had to start concentrating really hard on not staring at the mole-in-a-wig, which possibly made me look a little bit like I might be a weirdo. Still, better than being rude eh? Well better get off and google ‘fly spray’ in readiness for tomorrow’s little adventure, ‘Vicola vs The Swarms of Evil Shitflies’. I’ll be sure to let you know how I get on.

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A little update from me.

In case anyone out there is still reading after my prolonged absence, I thought I’d update with ‘things that are annoying me this month.

SPIDERS

What the hell is going on with the spiders in this country this year? Really? Has someone in the Manchester area released some variety of chemical that has caused the spiders to swell to gargantuan proportions and become even more malevolent than usual? We’ve had some utter bastards this month. The one that abseiled down the curtains last week was nearly as big as my friend’s kitten and there was one crossing the piano last night who I swear was making actual footstep noises as it went. And why did I have to end up with the only dog in the nation that is as scared of spiders as I am. Other people’s dogs eat them, mine retreats, barking and glaring into a corner and when one ran at him he turned tail and legged it. Big brave guard dog my arse.

BANKS

We all know banks are utter bastards, that’s not really news, but really, their system for alerting people to overspend on their accounts needs work. Yesterday I got one of their snooty letters informing me that I was £100 over my overdraft limit and so would be charged interest blah blah blah and a £22 admin fee. Fucking brilliant, I’m clearly skint and so what would be the best way to address this? Absolutely it would be to charge me £22 for someone to print out a standard letter and whack it through the second class category on the franking machine. Total cost of ‘administering’ my overspend to the bank £1, total profit for the bank, £21. Job’s a fucking good ‘en you robbing arseholes. And while we’re about it, since you’ve spent considerable time and energy making it as difficult as possible for me to access my personal information, meaning I now need 3 passwords, my card, a card reader and a decent internet connection to see if I’m anywhere near the overdraft limit, would it have been entirely beyond you to text or email or write to me BEFORE I went over my allowed amout, saving me £22 and whatever hideous and as yet undisclosed amount you’ve decided to charge me in interest on my ‘reserve account’? God forbid you actually worked as though you were a service industry instead of behaving as though you do us all a massive favour by taking our money, storing it and then investing in the dodgy and ridiculous deals that have caused the worldwide recession. It’s not really that surprising everyone thinks you’re twats is it?

WORK

This is pretty much an ongoing irritation, with new little branches cropping up from time to time but this week’s include:

The client – no, grabbing me and kissing me when you come into the office is not acceptable. I don’t like and I would recommend you don’t do it again. If you’re not going to do it to the hairy-arsed grafting blokes who work round this place then don’t do it to me just because I’m female and under 40. And do be aware that if that hand strays, you will lose it. Remember that.

Mr Useless – How hard is it to fill in some forms? Really? I’ll tell you how hard is ISN’T, it isn’t 7 calls to me in one afternoon hard. If you’re too stupid to work out what to put in the ’employer name’ box and how to tick the ‘plant’ box then I’m sorry, I can’t help you because you’re too stupid to live. I suggest you ask the office manager to order you a box of crayons and you can spend the rest of the afternoon drawing pictures of ‘In the Night Garden’ on the walls, leaving me to get on with some work.

And I have a cold.

So those are my irritations for this week. How’s your week going?