In which I fall out with the bean counters again.

So I’m driving down the road in the company car, heading for a company site using my own sat nav to get there when suddenly the light on the charger goes out. It’s broken. I try something else, nope, the power supply has blown and it’s taken my cable with it. Bugger. I can’t find my arse from my elbow with a map and a signpost, in a job that requires me to travel from site to site, sat nav is a must if I am to arrive there instead of driving round the countryside swearing like I’ve got Tourettes for the rest of the week. There’s nothing for it but to go and get the fuse in the power supply fixed (local garage, cost £1) and the cable replaced (Halfords, cost £18.99, robbing fuckers). So I duly put my receipt for the cable in with my expenses and think nothing of it. You can see where this is going can’t you?

I get this:

Hi Vicola

 Was the TomTom Power Cable that you bought on 01/09/2011 from Halfords for a company Sat Nav or for your own?, Regards, Bean Counter’s Glovepuppet.

I reply with:

Hi Bean Counter’s Glovepuppet,

It was for my own sat nav but I had to buy it because the power socket in the company car overloaded and blew it and without the sat nav I can’t find the sites I have to go to.

 Cheers

Vicola

Little Miss Jobsworth replies with:

Hi Vicola

I have checked your claim with Bean Counting Bastard, unfortunately you cannot claim the expense of the cable because the SatNav is your own.

Oh right. Is that so. You really want to play ‘who can be the most pig awkward’ do you? Fine, consider this then. You have managed to save the company £18.99 in cable. Well done you. However there is a slight catch. I am under no obligation to use my personal sat nav for work, so I’m not going to anymore, I’m going to order a shiny new one on company funds and since you’ve bought one for two other advisors you can’t refuse me. So that’s £18.99 saved, £140 lost. Fucking cracking, well done. I send her back this:

Hi Bean Counter’s Glovepuppet, 

As my property was damaged by company property while on company business through no fault of my own I have to say that I find this conclusion objectionable.  Were the brakes on the car to fail and it to plough into someone’s wall, the company would be expected to make good the damage, I fail to see why as an employee I should be subject to different rules, particularly since I was only using my personal sat nav to save the company the expense of purchasing an item for me to use that I already own. If the company will not do me the courtesy of replacing the item damaged by company property while on company business, could I please have my receipt for the cable back?

 Regards

Vicola.

Wankers. As Best Friend pointed out, there is a special circle of hell reserved for these pedantic, bean counting twats and if they want to play ‘Who’s an unhelpful fucker?’ then I’m not doing them any favours by using my own kit to save company money. What’s that on your desk Bean Counter? It’s a shiny colourful A4 photocopy of my arse with the word ‘fuck’ on one cheek and ‘you’ on the other. Enjoy.

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6 Responses

  1. This is exactly why at my work I refuse to use anything of my own. Not even a pen.

    (Go back to the garage and have them rewrite the receipt as $1 for the fuse, $18.99 to install it … sorry, can’t make the Pound sign).

  2. Will send you my stick ASAP>

  3. Oh FFS!

    And that is exactly why I stopped letting my old firm contact me on my personal phone and expecting me to call them back on my tab. You want to talk to me when not at my desk, you get me a company phone, innit. They also demurred for ages about providing me with a laptop – not in addition to a desktop tha’ knaws, instead of – as I spent a lot of that job sitting on trains and in cheap hotel rooms. Seems they thought it was a toy, or a privilege of senior management, not a tool of the job. I said fine, I’ll just spend those 4 hours on the train to Edinburgh/Glasgow/Plymouth/wherever reading my book then shall I?

  4. I am a glovepuppet. In my defense, last week one of our contractors tried to palm off a bottle of bourbon and cigarettes as “miscellaneous snacks” on a trip to North Queensland. Not on my watch, buddy.

    Having said that, your Bean Counter sounds like a total knob jockey.

  5. Ha ha ha ha! Bloody well funny post Vicola – I actually laughed out loud. How stupid are those bean counters. Everywhwere I have ever worked, the bean counters are obsessed with pathetic details rather than seeing the bigger picture (that phrase could be included in Bullshit Bingo)

  6. For people who are considered of bean counter character they see a document with the word ‘Policy’ in the title, typically preceded by the word ‘Company’, and believe that document to be sacred. The words within are The Truth and no more bendable or breakable than the Laws of Physics. For to question such a sacred document is blasphemy and would incur the wrath of those on high i.e. their line manger. Also, it would require some thought and effort above and beyond what they’re payed for, which lets face it, is above and beyond their mental capacity…. too harsh?

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