I’m wondering if some trickery may be afoot.

Today, in my inbox, I received the following email:

Hello dear member,Your account is suspended due to the number of incorrect login attempts.

For your protection, we’ve suspended your account . To reactivate your account

please click the link below:https://retail.santander.co.uk/

If not completed until March 20, we will be forced to close your account .

Note: If you received these e-mail in your BULK/SPAM section please add to your address book retail@santander.co.uk

Thank you,
Customer Support Service.


Copyright © Santander Group Bank Plc. Limited. All rights reserved.

 
 So I thought I should reply.
 
Dearest, beloved, almighty and adored miscellaneous banking person,
Thank you so much for your charming letter, showing both your regard for my accounting continuity and my finer feelings. Never before has the bank addressed me as ‘dearest member’ but I’m delighted to see you’ve now adopted this form of address. To show my appreciation, I have addressed my email to you in a similarly warm manner.
 
Now to business.
 
I was a little surprised to hear that you had suspended my account, my suprise possibly caused by a combination of not having made 3 incorrect login attempts and also banking with someone else entirely. Still, it’s lovely to know that you watch over the accounts of people who are not even banking with Santander, truly this is going above and beyond the call of duty and I know I for one will sleep more soundly knowing that you are on the case. I clicked on your link but no, what is this, a note comes up saying that your page has been marked as unsafe! Surely the forces of evil have struck against you, perhaps it is the same tricky scamsters who sent me the almost identically worded email with a Lloyds heading at the top of the page last month interferring with your operations! I recommend you report it to the constabulary forthwith.
Thank you so much for the clarity of your deadline. You state that ‘if not completed until 20th March we will be forced to close your account’. It’s a good job you sent me this on the 19th, otherwise I might have missed the deadline. I hope you’ve had the foresight to warn all the banks of your 20th March deadline, some of them might be quite surprised to find accounts closing all over the place on the 21st. Still, I’m sure you’ve got it covered, right?
 
Well, I have to go now, there’s a London bridge on Ebay that I’m very interested in and then I’ve got a busy afternoon writing cheques ahead of me. Who could ever have guessed how many Nigerian millionaires there were out there who just need a few hundred of my savings in order to free up their huge inheritences? I’m certainly looking forward to receiving their grateful rewards of several thousand pounds. Especially since disappointingly my winnings from the Congalese lottery haven’t come in yet, despite the £2500 I sent to cover the administration fee and bank transfer. Still, I’m sure it’ll be in soon and when it arrives, I’ll rest easy in the knowledge that you are out there taking care of my finances.
 
Once again, thank you beloved Santander employees for you diligence. May the sun shine always on your vegetable patch and your goats ever be fruitful.
 
Yours
 
Sweeney Tood.
 
 
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Stupid things researchers say.

Now don’t me wrong, sometimes researchers come up with some very valid information and make important observations that can enhamce people’s lives, such as whoever worked out that Apple is worth more than Poland, but sometimes they just spout unadulterated crap. Today, on the BBC news website I found an article about the huge dangers of eating red meat.

A diet high in red meat can shorten life expectancy, according to researchers at Harvard Medical School.The study of more than 120,000 people suggested red meat increased the risk of death from cancer and heart problems.Substituting red meat with fish, chicken or nuts lowered the risks, the authors said.The British Heart Foundation said red meat could still be eaten as part of a balanced diet.The researchers analysed data from 37,698 men between 1986 and 2008 and 83,644 women between 1980 and 2008.Dr Rosemary Leonard says the risks associated with eating a lot of red meat are “very clear”

They said adding an extra portion of unprocessed red meat to someone’s daily diet would increase the risk of death by 13%,

Victoria Taylor, a dietitian at the British Heart Foundation, said “If you eat processed meats like bacon, ham, sausages or burgers several times a week, add variation to your diet by substituting these for other protein sources such as fish, poultry, beans or lentils.”

Ok, let’s look at things one bit at a time.

A diet high in red meat can shorten life expectancy, according to researchers at Harvard Medical School.The study of more than 120,000 people suggested red meat increased the risk of death from cancer and heart problems – So not ‘will’ and ‘definitely proved’ then. I might win the Euromillions but I’ll not be sending a scanned picture of my arse to the managing director on the strength of it. So I’ll not be ditching the bacon on the strength of possibly.

They said adding an extra portion of unprocessed red meat to someone’s daily diet would increase the risk of death by 13%, – I’ve not done any study of biology in recent times but I’m pretty much certain that I was taught the risk of death for humans was 100%, whether they lived solely off bacon and sausage sandwiches or macrobiotic mung bean casserole. I didn’t think I would have to point out to Harvard Medical School that eating red meat cannot possibly increase the risk of death by 13%.

Victoria Taylor, a dietitian at the British Heart Foundation, said “If you eat processed meats like bacon, ham, sausages or burgers several times a week, add variation to your diet by substituting these for other protein sources such as fish, poultry, beans or lentils.” – I hate to burst Victoria’s bubble but generally they aren’t eating bacon, ham, sausages or burgers because they are a source of protein, they’re eating them because they taste nice. Or because they’re hung over. A lentil and bean sandwich is going to do fuck all to improve your day should you have consumed your own bodyweight in Russian paintstripper the night before but a big, dirty bacon and sausage butty will sort you right out. Besides, if you’re eating bacon, ham, sausages and/or burgers several times a week, you’re going to be carried off by obesity related diabetes long before bowel cancer gets the chance to have a go. We all know eating 3 packs of bacon a week is bad for you but don’t go making stupid suggestions like ‘replace them with lentils’, that’s just not realistic.

.Dr Rosemary Leonard says the risks associated with eating a lot of red meat are “very clear” – the risks of getting in my car and getting on the road are very clear, the risks of having a stressful job are very clear, the risks of existing in the modern world are very clear. If we alter our entire existences on the basis of avoiding shit that’s dangerous or bad for us we’ll have no fun at all, mealtimes will be miserable and at the end of it, we’ll live to be 107, eking out our days in a nursing home with other ancient mad people who are boring and grumpy. Where the hell is the advantage to living until you’re incapable of functioning normally and doing things for yourself? Plus, you’re still guaranteed to die at the end of it. Must remember to email Harvard Medical School and let them know that…..