I’m wondering if some trickery may be afoot.

Today, in my inbox, I received the following email:

Hello dear member,Your account is suspended due to the number of incorrect login attempts.

For your protection, we’ve suspended your account . To reactivate your account

please click the link below:https://retail.santander.co.uk/

If not completed until March 20, we will be forced to close your account .

Note: If you received these e-mail in your BULK/SPAM section please add to your address book retail@santander.co.uk

Thank you,
Customer Support Service.


Copyright © Santander Group Bank Plc. Limited. All rights reserved.

 
 So I thought I should reply.
 
Dearest, beloved, almighty and adored miscellaneous banking person,
Thank you so much for your charming letter, showing both your regard for my accounting continuity and my finer feelings. Never before has the bank addressed me as ‘dearest member’ but I’m delighted to see you’ve now adopted this form of address. To show my appreciation, I have addressed my email to you in a similarly warm manner.
 
Now to business.
 
I was a little surprised to hear that you had suspended my account, my suprise possibly caused by a combination of not having made 3 incorrect login attempts and also banking with someone else entirely. Still, it’s lovely to know that you watch over the accounts of people who are not even banking with Santander, truly this is going above and beyond the call of duty and I know I for one will sleep more soundly knowing that you are on the case. I clicked on your link but no, what is this, a note comes up saying that your page has been marked as unsafe! Surely the forces of evil have struck against you, perhaps it is the same tricky scamsters who sent me the almost identically worded email with a Lloyds heading at the top of the page last month interferring with your operations! I recommend you report it to the constabulary forthwith.
Thank you so much for the clarity of your deadline. You state that ‘if not completed until 20th March we will be forced to close your account’. It’s a good job you sent me this on the 19th, otherwise I might have missed the deadline. I hope you’ve had the foresight to warn all the banks of your 20th March deadline, some of them might be quite surprised to find accounts closing all over the place on the 21st. Still, I’m sure you’ve got it covered, right?
 
Well, I have to go now, there’s a London bridge on Ebay that I’m very interested in and then I’ve got a busy afternoon writing cheques ahead of me. Who could ever have guessed how many Nigerian millionaires there were out there who just need a few hundred of my savings in order to free up their huge inheritences? I’m certainly looking forward to receiving their grateful rewards of several thousand pounds. Especially since disappointingly my winnings from the Congalese lottery haven’t come in yet, despite the £2500 I sent to cover the administration fee and bank transfer. Still, I’m sure it’ll be in soon and when it arrives, I’ll rest easy in the knowledge that you are out there taking care of my finances.
 
Once again, thank you beloved Santander employees for you diligence. May the sun shine always on your vegetable patch and your goats ever be fruitful.
 
Yours
 
Sweeney Tood.
 
 
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