Militant cyclists and why they need a slap in the chops.

When driving back from walking the dog last night, I came to a mini roundabout. Nothing was coming at me from the right but a cyclist, dressed head to toe in fluorescent yellow spandex like a giant psychedelic canary, was coming towards me from the left. I started to pull out and swung into the corner wide to give plenty of room should he accelerate, because to be dressed like that he had to be a lunatic. As I suspected, I pulled out, he sped up, looked me straight in the eye and as I drove off down the road, he flicked me the bird. Angry doesn’t even begin to describe it. Let’s get a couple of things clear here and now, you lycra-loving asshat:

  • The rules of the mini-roundabout in the UK are thus: give way to traffic coming at you from the right or coming straight at you indicating right. They are not “anyone on a fucking bicycle dressed like a twat has automatic right of way”. I was in the right, you were in the wrong. Just because you’re only on two wheels, doesn’t mean the rules of the road don’t apply you and yes, I do include traffic lights in that. You’re only a poor man’s motorbike and where would we be if all our motorcyclists suddenly decided they could do whatever the fuck they liked on the roads?
  • I don’t give a tiny flying rat’s ass if you think you have right of way, you don’t.
  • Sometimes you have to slow down or even stop at a junction. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. You may think you have a divine right to sail merrily across a roundabout, set of traffic lights or level crossing as you see fit but believe me, eventually this will end badly for you. And it’ll fucking well serve you right you cocky prick.
  • No matter what you may have read in ‘Cycling Weekly’, pitting yourself against the business end of a tonne of metal with an engine in an attempt to prove your roundabout superiority is not a good idea. There is no question that you WILL come off worse. You may think you’re clever and cool, flicking the bird and cycling up the tailpipe of my car but had I stamped hard on the brakes, you’d have looked like a giant parakeet as you sailed up and over my roof. Not so clever then eh? Your canary yellow outfit may make you look like a comic book character but be assured that it does not give you super powers, if I smack you with my car you will still break.
  • Lycra is terribly unforgiving, in your case wearing it was an error.

Militant cyclists. They all need a slap in the chops. And a lesson in appropriate clothing to wear in public.


13 Responses

  1. Love the “poor man’s motorbike” phrase.
    In our town cyclists totally ignore red traffic light and habitually ride down the wrong side of the road. Next time you’re down this way Vicola, let’s go out and slap a few of ’em around the chops.

  2. Flipping the bird whilst wearing bright yellow spandex can be VERY hazardous to your health.

    • It certainly can if you’re tailgating MY car. Fucker was lucky I didn’t anchor on the brakes because he would seriously have FLOWN over the roof. Had it been my car not the company’s, I might have thought about it…

  3. It’s not just the militant cyclists, it’s all of them. No test, no insurance, no intelligence, no balance.

    • And no fucking legs if they pull that crap on a roundabout with me again. Next time I’ll not bother with the wide berth and if the spandex loving fucktard smacks straight into the vehicle then so be it.

  4. lol – you cheered up my friday morning after waking up at stupid o’clock because my alarm is set to go off on weekdays!

  5. One thing that drives me nuts is when they ride on the road when there is a bike track provided. I ride a bike myself but a $10 number from a garage sale and, as yet, have not succumbed to the lycra (everyone else in my neighbourhood can breathe a sigh of relief at that).

  6. You know who I had to bitchslap off my twitter (i.e. unfollow)? Ben Goldacre. I had enjoyed his book Bad Science so thought I’d look him up. Not only does he tweet like a 12 year old girl on crack, that is, every 5 minutes, but he also is a RABID cyclist. I had the pleasure of him responding to one of my replies to his fanatical cycling bullshit. He was skewing statistics, as well as being completely irrational about it. So much for bad science!

  7. Thanks for this, my vow never to own another car has been strengthened, so does my resolve to piss as many like minded motorists off as I can … And I carry 10mm ball bearings in my lycra especially for the paint work of idiots in cars … 🙂

    • Oddly enough, following the rules of the road makes you a law abiding citizen rather than an idiot. Not obeying them on a bicycle makes you an idiot, a law breaker and a danger to your own health. Be warned, damage my paintwork and I will come after you and wedgie your Lycra so far up your arse that you cry for your mother. It will not be dignified, it will not be pretty. There will be chafage.

    • Also, to be honest, if you truly do believe the rules of the road only apply to a few users and only if they don’t inconvenience your journey, it would probably be safest for all concerned if you stick to your guns and don’t get another car. There is after all a minimum amount of carnage you can cause with a push bike.

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